Contradict Your Everything

I am waiting. I am dreaming of days when the validity of happiness is no longer questioned. My dreams are filled with the kind of euphoria that can only be brought forth by insignificant events. Somedays sleep evades me and my mind refuses to empty. It is then that I lay on my back and listen to the small sounds of my ipod. I remain completely still. I breathe out while counting to five, imagining that all the negativity is draining out of my limbs. I then breathe in while counting to five again, imagining that the positive atmosphere is filling my very soul. I just lay there and I can feel gravity pulling on every inch of my body. I feel very existent.

It is then that I decide to pray. It has been said by many that praying is supposed to bring peace. I suppose there was a time that God was a small comfort to my life, but that season has past. There is a time for everything, and the time for blind faith has seemingly slipped away.

I used to believe that heaven was just a huge summer festival. Everyone would sport old-fashioned, whimsical clothing. We would dance into the night, and no one would be sad, and no one would be forgotten. We would be eternally happy and forever celebrating.

That belief is gone now. I cannot believe that heaven exists anymore. I have this feeling that the being I knew in my heart as God has been alienated by my fellow peers. I have this feeling that they tied Him up and because they could not steal His soul, they beheaded Him. His very essence whirls around us all, vainly trying to tell us what has happened, but this does not change anything. Some of us witnessed this tragic event first hand, some of us choose to ignore it, and some of us just believe what they have been told.

They picked up His magnificent head and drenched the very floor I walk upon in blood. If this was not enough, they then pulled out a singular blade and slowly sliced into His radiant skin. Delicately, they peeled His beautiful face off and pressed it in between the pages of their book and His disfigured flesh now rots on their lies. I kneel on the floor, slowly. My knees are bruised and my clothes are covered in His blood.

I hold my hands together and wait for the words to come flooding back to me. They do, but they hold even less meaning then before.

"Our Father, Who Art in Heaven..."

But heaven does not exist anymore. If all the lessons we were taught of love means nothing, if who we are and who we love decides which one of us gets into heaven, I do not want to go. Sign me up for another 10 lifetimes, let me play Go Fish with the devil himself, but do not make me spend my afterlife in a room full of hypocrites. I would rather kill myself.

"...Hallowed be thy name..."

Yet, people use His name for their own personal opinions. It is all a matter of opinion. "I do not believe you are correct, so I will throw the all-loving God at you." These people never realize that their opinions mean nothing to me. They will never tell me what to believe, they will never hold such control over me.

"...Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven..."

If the people spewing these horrors are going to heaven, then I do not want to go. If I have to be judgmental and hypocritical, what's the point in going? I do not want a Heaven with a foundation built on lies.

"...Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us..."

However, I do not want absolution from the dead skin cells. I do not need absolution. I do what I think is right, and the repention for my wrongs is my guilt. Nothing could possibly be worse than how I torture myself when I do something wrong. We all make mistakes, but we need to learn to forgive ourselves. Only then can we forgive others for their blunders as well.

"...And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil..."

But what is so evil about the physical contact between humans? As I stare at my bloodstained hands in prayer, I note the way my fingers look. They remind me of two bodies intertwined in embrace. The feelings the two anonymous bodies have shared and the touches they have exchanged--how can this be sinful? Somehow, I have a feeling that they decided to make lust a sin so we will feel isolated from each other. Without another human's warm skin against us, without two bodies becoming one, how can we remember that we are all the same?

"...For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever..."

You are the kingdom, the power, and the glory--for love is our only home. I believe that You are the physical manifestation of love, and we are all searching for You. I have this overwhelming feeling that You are hiding from society, waiting for us to forget you. This way You can try again--maybe.

"...Amen."

I end my prayer and I do not feel anymore hopeful than before. Maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe something is wrong with them. Nothing will change either of these facts, however. I'm back where I started with less of a reason to live. I'm sitting here contradicting myself and the only conclusion I can draw is that hope no longer exists.

No, it no longer exists.