I'd Kiss You Goodbye If I Thought It Would Make You Stay

“This heart, it beats, beats for only you. My heart is yours.” - Paramore

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“Aw, come on, Bill!” I complain. He shakes his head, frowning at me.

“Yeah, come on, Bill!” Butcher chimes in, speaking in that weird high-pitched voice before taking my drink back from William’s hand and then handing it to me.

“Thank you,” I say, kissing his cheek before walking off to talk to Sisky.

“Enjoy it, because that’s the only one you’re getting!” William calls after me.

I ignore him and leave the kitchen to wander to Tony’s living room.

I pass time talking to Jon while we wait for everyone else to get here, and eventually Sisky, Jack, and Mike walk in, and I go talk to them for a while, since I haven’t had a real conversation with them in ages.

Some time passes, and even Joe and Patrick show up, but Andy and Pete aren’t in town.

I’m talking to Patrick, thanking him multiple times for his amazing work on our new album, which come to think of it, is going to be released in a little more than a week.

We’re discussing lyrics I’ve been working on when I get a tap on the shoulder.

Patrick excuses himself before I turn to see who it is, but when I do, I know why.

“Drink?” Michael offers me, and I take it. Surprisingly, it’s only my second drink; I’m actually being good tonight, mainly because I feel I owe it to William and Suzieand Michael to clean up my act.

“Excited for tour?” I ask, taking a stab at this ‘friends’ thing.

“Of course,” he replies. He’s smiling crookedly, and I know he doesn’t mean anything by it, but it’s giving me the old butterflies whether I like it or not, and I have to look away.

“Are you going to stay here until then?” he asks, the hint of a hopeful note helplessly apparent in his tone.

“I haven’t really thought about it,” I confess, but I’m thinking about it now.

And I want to stay, because I just haven’t gotten my fill of my hometown in the few weeks I’ve been back, but mostly I can’t bear to go from constantly seeing Michael to not seeing him at all, even though I know tour’s right around the corner.

But I know what I have to do.

I have to break my addictions one by one.

Alcohol is easy compared to what’s next.

Michael.

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I’m calling Suzie, because as much as I love Chicago, I’ve grown attached to L.A. as well, and I want to go back before tour starts to get everything together.

“How have you been?” she asks immediately.

“I think I’m a lot better now. Really,” I reply.

“That’s great, Rae,” she says happily. “So…I mean…we still have to do that Fuse interview the day before the record release, if you’re up for it…”

“Yes. Definitely,” I say. “I’m ready. I mean, just…I miss who I used to be, you know?”

“I miss her too,” Suzie agrees. “So you think you’re okay?”

“I think…I think I’m going to be. I talked to Michael.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” I reply. “I think I can handle it now. We’re friends,” I add, but I’m not sure if it’s more for her benefit or for mine, and that one saying that insists you can’t be friends with your ex pops into my head.

“I hope so.” We talk about much more pointless things for a few minutes before getting back to business. “Okay. So if you come in that Sunday, then you’ll be good to leave for Fuse on Monday, Tuesday’s the release, and then we have pre-production and tour rehearsal for the rest of the week. Sound good?” she asks.

“Sounds great,” I answer. “Tell the guys I can’t wait to get there and see you all.”

“Okay. Bye, Rae.”

I hang up, and do you know what the crazy thing is?

I’m smiling.