I'd Kiss You Goodbye If I Thought It Would Make You Stay

“Take what you want from me. I’ll give you anything. It’s so pathetic, I make myself sick. I can’t get over you, I can’t get over any of it.”- New Years Day

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Six months ago…

“Isn’t it so nice out tonight?” I asked, resting my head against him. The cool breeze from the open window lightly whipped around us, and it felt nice against my skin. It felt like the perfect end to the tour.

“Rae, I need to talk to you about something.”

“About what?” I asked, pulling away from his arms and turning to face him. He wasn’t smiling. Something was completely off. My heart plummeted.

“Rae, I just…” he began, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. He sighed.

“Are you breaking up with me?” I demanded, backing away. He looked back wordlessly, biting his lip in regret.

“I’m sorry, Rae. It’s just…you’re amazing and beautiful, and…well, you’re going to record, so you’re going back to L.A. after this. And then you’re going to have to tour again after that. You know I’m going home, and I’m not so sure what the band is doing after, and-”

“So?” I demanded, interrupting his rambling monologue.

“So I think…I think you shouldn’t have to wait for me. Look, you and the band are going to be big and it’s not fair to you if I’m holding you back.” I stared in disbelief.

“I…I can’t believe you’re saying this,” I managed to say. “I told you I’d do anything for you.”

“Would you quit the band to stay with me?” he asked. “Would you quit music for me?”

“I said anything,” I reminded him firmly. He sighed.

“Don’t you see that’s the problem? You’re letting me interfere with your music, and I can’t let you do that. You need to focus on the band right now. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself for messing up your chances with this. You’ll thank me when you’re signed and famous. I’m only thinking of what’s best for you, Rae.”

Cue the tears and mental breakdown.

He kissed me once on the forehead as the tears coursed down my cheeks.

“I love you, Michael,” I tried, my last desperate attempt to reverse the sloping road we were headed down.

“I love you too,” he replied, before leaving the otherwise empty dressing room. He turned halfway around at the door. “I always will, Rae.”

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“Rachel, what are you looking forward to most on the upcoming tour with The Academy Is…?”

The question catches me off guard, even though I had come in expecting some variation of it. I see my band mates exchange that look that’s becoming too common for my own good these days. I glance at the interviewer, who is eagerly waiting for my answer. What does she want me to say?

Oh, yeah, I’m so looking forward to seeing my perfect ex everyday so he can see how I haven’t managed to pull myself together ever since he dumped me. Next question?

“I think we’re all looking forward to hanging out with some good friends. We haven’t seen them in a long time, and we’re pretty excited to see everybody again,” Seb answers for me. “And of course, we can’t wait to start playing shows again. Right, Rae?”

“Yeah, it’s going to be…great.” I try to smile, but the truth is I haven’t cracked a real one in what feels like forever ago.

“Well, thanks for taking the time to talk to me, I’m sure you’re very busy,” the lady says.

I can’t remember her name, but I shake her hand and murmur a goodbye anyways.

We head for Seb’s place afterwards, and I gladly collapse on the couch.

“Rae, we need to talk to you about something,” Jude says.

My eyes widen in panic, because now I’m remembering that that’s what he said before he…before that, and I just can’t deal with those feelings right now, but now that I’m thinking about it, I can’t stop, and God, I just need a drink or something…

Seb shoots him a warning glare, Wes rolls his eyes at his younger brother’s tactlessness, and Suzie smacks Jude upside the head to drive the point across.

“Oh my God, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-” he begins, realizing his poor choice of words.

Suzie immediately comes to hug me.

“We just wanted to make sure you’re going to be okay for tour in a few weeks,” Seb revises smartly.

“Yeah. I’m great,” I lie unconvincingly. They do that look thing again.

“We’re worried about you. You haven’t been so great lately,” Suzie continues, while shooting Jude an annoyed glare.

But it’s not his fault I asked him to bring over some alcohol last night because I ran out.

“If you really need it, we can reschedule a few dates, or-” Seb begins.

“No! Look, I just need a few days alone. Okay? I’ll be fine. I just need to…to write, or something. We’re not post-phoning tour,” I state firmly. I won’t let them, no matter how messed up I am. I don’t want to be pathetic.

They glance at each other unsurely.

I wish they would stop doing that.