I'd Kiss You Goodbye If I Thought It Would Make You Stay

“Long night spent with your most obvious weakness, you start shaking at the thought. You are everything I want, ‘cause you are everything I’m not.” – Taking Back Sunday

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Michael

When I get back to the bus after our set, all the guys and our crew are in great moods, cracking jokes and messing around.

Not that I’m in a bad mood, per se, but only one thing can truly make me that happy.

The bus’s door opens, and the Paint Me Perfect crew and members join us.

“What’s going on?” Suzie asks.

“Celebrating the last day of an awesome tour,” Mike answers happily. He’s gathering what alcohol we have left in the cabinets and then starts pouring it into cups. Butcher joins him, walking through the bus and handing everyone a cup.

I see Rachel try and reach for one, but Suzie stops her with just a look, and she sighs and hands it back to Butcher, who then passes it to Tony.

I study her for a few seconds and I’m about to go keep her company when Sisky calls for my attention. He starts telling me a pretty pointless story, and by the time I can politely excuse myself, Rachel is nowhere in sight.

I ask around the bus, which is pretty crowded by now, and find Suzie.

“Have you seen Rae?” I ask her, but she’s a little distracted, not to mention tipsy, talking a little too closely to Mike, who’s not so sober himself.

“She left awhile ago,” Seb offers from nearby, most likely the only other sober person on this entire bus besides me. “I think she said something about a walk,” he shrugs, and I thank him before heading back to the front of the bus.

I grab a bottle of wine on the way out, along with two cups. She deserves to celebrate the last day of tour too, doesn’t she?

I wander around a bit, but it’s too dark to see much. I’m about to check the Paint Me Perfect bus when I see a silhouette on the grass nearby.

I walk over to her and notice she’s shivering a little. I slip off my jacket and drape it on her shoulders once I’m right behind her.

“You didn’t come back, so I got worried,” I say, as she slides her arms inside my jacket’s sleeves. She doesn’t say reply, but I settle myself onto the grass next to her anyway.

“I brought something,” I inform her, after a few more seconds of silence pass between us. She notices the wine and cups and I catch a hint of a smile on her lips as I pull the cork out. I pour some into the glasses and hand one to her.

We share more silence, taking long sips of our wine and feeling no need to speak.

We finish the bottle, still without having exchanged words, and we’ve somehow ended up side by side on our backs, staring up at the stars in the night sky.

She shivers again, scooting closer to me and resting her head on my shoulder. I’m a little caught off guard by this, but I just pull her closer to me and close my eyes.

It’s nice to have her so close to me again.

Suddenly, she wraps an arm around my waist and moves her head to my chest. I will my heart rate to stay calm, although I’m sure it’s faster than usual.

“I love you,” she murmurs a few seconds later, surprising me yet again. I wait to see if she’s going to continue, but her breathing slows and I’m pretty sure she’s asleep and I don’t even know if I just imagined those words or if she actually said them.

I hold her for awhile longer, not moving because it’s too peaceful of a moment to ruin.

I’m not sure how much time passes, but I find myself falling asleep and I know that as much as I’d like to stay here with Rae all night, the busses are leaving early tomorrow, so I should probably get her back to hers.

I’m filled with selfish regret that the night as well as tour is over and I sit up straight, careful not to move Rae too much. She sighs and murmurs a little as I pick her up in my arms, but she doesn’t wake up. She cuddles deeper into my chest as I start walking.

“Michael,” she hums softly, and for a second I think she’s awake, but her eyes are still closed and her head’s lolling against my chest comfortably.

Luckily, Seb’s hanging around just outside their bus, talking quietly on the phone. He helpfully holds the door open for me, smiling sympathetically, and I walk past Jude, who’s snoring loudly on the front lounge’s couch.

I gently place Rae in her bunk. She looks so small, like my jacket is swallowing her whole. I don’t remove it; I don’t want to wake her, and frankly, it’s nice to think she’ll have something to remind her of me while she’s in L.A. I pull her blanket over her body.

I press a soft kiss to her temple and she smiles peacefully in her sleep.

I leave the bus, trying not to think about the fact that I don’t know for sure when the next time I see her will be.