I'd Kiss You Goodbye If I Thought It Would Make You Stay

“Last year’s wishes are this year’s apologies every last time I come home. I take my last chance, to burn a bridge or two. I only keep myself this sick in the head ‘cause I know how the words get you.” – Fall Out Boy

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“So I talked to your mom today…” William begins hesitantly. We’re eating Cheerios at his kitchen table. I look at him questioningly. “Well, she knew I was going to L.A., so she wanted to know how you were doing, and I kind of told her you were back in town,” he says, grimacing apologetically.

“William…” I whine. “I don’t want them to see me like this.”

“Well, maybe it will cheer you up,” he suggests hopefully.

“I don’t know.”

“She misses you,” he states knowingly.

And that’s all he has to say to make me feel like crap.

I haven’t seen my parents in almost as long as I had William; probably around Thanksgiving. I hadn’t even come home for Christmas; it was more convenient for me to concentrate on the record than to face my hometown. Plus, I’ve always hated winters in Chicago.

I had made a point to avoid anything associated with Michael since the break-up, and unfortunately that included Chicago. Michael and I had shared an apartment in between tours after we’d been dating almost a year. It seems like a long time, but in between tours and band promotion, it all flew by too fast for my liking.

When we came off Warped last summer, the tour we broke up on, I had moved to California, and he had gone back to Australia. It actually worked out well; with my bandmates all living in L.A. to begin with, so it wasn’t so hard to pack up and move permanently. We headed into the studio soon after.

I really miss being in the studio. It’s just you and the music, and that’s all you have to think about.

I realize I want to go back so badly, just so I can stop thinking so much all the time.

As for my parents, they had called regularly at first, but I didn’t answer as much once we had started recording, so I think they decided to give me time alone.

Still, it's unfair to them. I’m an only child, and even though my parents have always treated William like my big brother, it still must be diffcult for them.

“You’re right,” I sigh.

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I ring the doorbell somewhat nervously. I feel an odd wave of nostalgia hit me, but I shake it off. I turn to wave at Mike, who waves back before driving away.

The door opens, and I meet my dad’s eyes apologetically, feeling like the prodigal daughter, coming back after running off for another adventure.

He pulls me into a hug before even saying a word, and before I can try to apologize.

“We were afraid you wouldn’t visit,” he says. “It wouldn’t kill you to call your mother every once in a while,” he jokes, letting go. “She worries so much.”

“I’m sorry, dad. I’ve just been so busy,” I apologize, although I know it’s not enough.

“It’s fine, Rae. I know you have a job. Let me get your mom,” he says, heading up the stairs. I sigh, sitting on the living room couch. I haven’t been home in so long.

“Rachel?” I turn to see my mom, who immediately comes to hug me tightly, and I hug her back, just barely realizing how I had cut everything out of my life the past six months.

“What’s wrong?” my mom asks, pulling away. My cheeks feel wet, and I notice that I’m crying. This is all just so overwhelming. “Honey? Are you okay?”

“I’m…I’m just so…tired, mom,” I say, wiping my eyes. She leads me back over to the couch, giving me another hug and patting my back reassuringly.

“It’s all this traveling. You’re homesick.” She shakes her head disapprovingly. “I’m going to cook you some lunch and then you’re going to lie down, okay?” I’m too tired to argue and instead just nod.

I follow her to the kitchen, where she makes me soup and talks my ears off, telling me all the latest family news. I go to my old bedroom afterwards, immediately collapsing on the bed and falling asleep, thinking it’s actually kind of nice to be home.

I wake up upon hearing the doorbell ring. I head down the stairs slowly after fixing my hair and washing my face to wake myself up.

William appears in the doorway with Mike, Sisky, and Jack. My mom greets them all warmly; William must come over more often than I had thought.

I stare at him questioningly, but he shrugs, smiling slightly.

“I asked the boys to stop by for dinner,” my mom explains to me. “You’re all so skinny, you never have home-cooked meals!” she exclaims, ushering us into the dining room.

She serves us all heaping plates of spaghetti before both her and my dad join us.

“So where are the rest of the boys?” my dad questions.

“Andy and Tony are out of town,” Sisky explains, not mentioning one certain person.

“Rae, how has Michael been?” my mom asks, and I almost choke on my food. I cough, and Sisky has to clap me on the back a few times. My parents think he and I still talk.

“Rachel, are you alright?” she asks, after my brief coughing fit.

“Yeah. Just…perfect,” I sigh, digging into my food and avoiding everyone’s eyes.

I don’t want to see the pitying looks I know they’re giving me.