The Gates of Hell

“What the fuck?!” I shouted, not to loud and threw myself back from him. “Brian, what the hell? I’m married and have a child, you asshole!”

“I know this is beyond wrong, I don’t take back anything though because I don’t believe in regrets anymore,” he paused. “But I wish—I wish it was you having my baby, not Caty.”

“Brian,” I closed my eyes. “Leave now.”

“Okay,” he whispered and walked off through the woods towards his shared home.

I went back inside the house in a sour mood, I couldn’t tell Zacky, he’d flip his lid and probably kill Brian this time around. I couldn’t let that happen, so I kept quiet about it. So thoroughly quiet that each time it happened, because it did happen more, no one had a clue. Yes, I felt horrible but Brian showed me love where Zacky kind of abandoned me for Haven. I know it sounds selfish, I don’t mean it to because I couldn’t be happier that he was such a good father and loved it so much, I never had that and I’m glad Haven is going to have it, but we hadn’t been lovers, friends, husband and wife for a good six months, he hadn’t even tried to be, it was like he gave up on me. If anything, we pecked each others cheeks or lips and went on our way; I often stayed with Danielle or Brian when I wasn’t with Haven. I felt abandoned all around, because Haven preferred her father over me, I couldn’t rock her to sleep, I couldn’t feed her, I couldn’t get her to stop crying and yet Zacky had the magical touch. I wanted more than anything for my child to want her mother, for Zacky to want his wife when the day ended and Haven fell asleep, but he never did—he just went to sleep or played on the computer.

Two months into the affair with Brian and I started to feel even more guilty, pathetic, sorry. I loved Brian, but not how I loved Zacky—Brian could give me things that Zacky couldn’t when he was off in his own little world, but I wanted Zacky to be doing all those things. Depression started to leer overhead when Zacky disappeared more often, he’d leave Haven with Matt before he told me he was leaving and for me to watch her, that made me feel horrible, I’m the mother not the house keeper. Val, Caty and Danielle could see the change in me, not for the better either. I didn’t sleep all that well, I didn’t eat like I should have, I was losing weight more than I was losing my mind and no one knew it, but I kept a handy bottle of liquor near at all times in case I needed a sip. Matt was the one that found it. “What’s this?” he held up a bottle of whiskey that had been hid somewhere in my bedroom.

“Where’d you find that?” I wondered, trying to seem innocent.

“Under your bed, Haven dropped her pacifier and I found it under there with it. Zacky doesn’t drink this kind, what the hell, Briony? You’re not even legal to drink it?” he seemed pissed, I would have been—if I gave a shit.

“It makes me feel better,” I excused with a shrug, looking down at the shirt I was folding, I had just finished a load of laundry. “Did you know, Zacky and I haven’t even kissed in over five months. We haven’t been intimate in six or more. He hasn’t said he loves me in a good five months, I haven’t slept in the same bed with him in two—I think I’ve lost him.”

“Why haven’t you told me this before?” Matt asked softly as he walked across the floor and pulled me into a strong, warm hug. I loved his hugs, but the problem was they always made me show my real emotions, I started to cry.

“I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to at first—Brian showed me everything that Zacky wouldn’t, I gave in,” I whispered, I didn’t have to spell it out for him; he understood my language more than anyone. “But every time I see Brian laying in bed with me, I see Zacky—I smell Zacky, I kiss Zacky, I show my love for Zacky, but it’s not him because he doesn’t care.”

“He does care, sweetie,” he squeezed my shoulders tighter before he pulled away and looked me straight in the eyes. “He loves you very much, you two just need to talk this out, I suggest you stop with Brian if you want Zacky, okay?”

“Thanks Matt,” I kissed his cheek and trailed back to my room. I picked up Haven from her crib and stared at her. “I love you so much, you chunky little chipmunk.”

I laid with her on the bed until Zacky came back from wherever he’d been all day, he walked into the bedroom and took off his shoes and shocks before he even noticed me. “What are you doing?”

“Laying with my daughter, watching her sleep. Did you know she frowns like you when she’s having a dream?” I murmured looking up from Haven to his face. “Brian told me that you stole that Rocky girl from him when you were in your teens in high school together, they were going to get married.”

“Why would he tell you that?” he seemed angered by my confession, but I pressed on.

“He told me that you didn’t care, you loved her,” I put Haven in her crib without waking her and then I turned to him. “Why haven’t you kissed me? Or told me you love me? I’m beginning to think you don’t anymore, you haven’t made love to me in months, is there something wrong with me that made you change your mind?”

“No, Briony,” he said softly. “I have problems, I can’t stay with one person for to long. I grow tired of the same thing, I’ve done such a bad thing to you. I said I’d love you forever, that you were the one for me and it’s not true. I haven’t felt those feelings for awhile now.”

For some reason I wasn’t as shocked as I thought I’d be, I shook my head and cleared my throat of any sobs boiling to the surface. “I love you,” I murmured and turned around, I packed a bag of clothes for me and a bag of Haven’s and then I picked her up and walked past him. “I guess Brian was right, I was to young. But I don’t regret a damn thing we did Zacky, because it meant something to me, it meant everything. I have Haven, that's all I need.”

“I’ll never regret it either,” he whispered softly. “I’ll never regret us, I screwed it up by going back on my word, but I did love you, I want you to know that.”

“Just long enough to consider yourself the lucky one,” I forced a smile and walked on to my dodge ram truck that Johnny surprised me with for a thanks for having me a grandkid surprise.

I bid goodbye to my life, my love and my past.

I welcomed my new life, my new love (my Haven and my Haven only) and my new future that was in front of us.

Once you’ve hit rock bottom, there is nowhere but up to go.

I didn’t get far though, into my life, I got as far as the driveway when Brian leaped at my passengers’ side door and slapped the glass. “What do you want, Brian?” I asked after he climbed in, after he gave me the scare of a lifetime.