Winter Wakes

Katie was waiting for me just outside of the classroom. I finished my test a few minutes after she had; I didn’t feel like it had gone well. I had been unable to focus on sleep, let alone studying the night before. Some things that had been asked seemed totally foreign to me, as though he had never even covered them. What hadn’t helped was that Dr. Davis had taken the liberty of reporting the low grades of our classmates to us after they had finished and left. I had never taken such a nerve-wracking test. Not to mention mental exhaustion from a sleep-less night was another factor stacked against me. Katie had given me a piteous look upon my exit from Davis’s half-filled classroom.

“You look rough,” She commented.

I scowled. “Really? I didn’t notice.”

“Gee, someone’s pissy.” She crossed her arms while giving me a hard look. I shook my head, shifting my bag a little farther up my shoulder. My aggression wasn’t meant for her, my ability to control it was just nonexistent. It just felt like there was too much for me to deal with; it was all building, and beginning to take its toll.

“Sorry. Let’s just go get some coffee or something; I think that might help, a little at least.”

Katie shrugged as we fell in step, heading for the stairs. “Hey, it’s no biggie. I remember what my first semester was like here, so I totally get why you’re going through. If you need help with anything though, I’m always here; your free-of-charge study buddy.”

I gave her a smile of partial gratitude. If only she knew. Classes here were obviously hell-ish, but they were just a tiny portion of the copious problems that were piled in heaps on my metaphorical plate. The corners of my mind were buzzing constantly with one particular question for the time though; I wondered just how hard it would be to get it to leave me alone.

The outside world was ripe with chilling winds that cut through the layers of clothes I wore. An uncontrollable shiver rippled through my body after the first few steps. My hatred for winter was burning as strongly as ever.

Neither Katie nor I spoke as we headed in the direction of the parking lot; Starbucks seeming much more enjoyable than the small café at the base of the Political Science building. The weariness of my sleepless night felt as though it was beginning to take its toll then, my mind seemed willing to allow itself to slow at least the tiniest bit, losing some focus on the dark thoughts that had plagued me all night long. That lasted for a good five seconds before I found my body pulled to a halt, staring unabashedly in the direction of the science building. The thoughts that had just seconds before started to fade reignited themselves with the haste of fire that someone had poured gasoline on. I watched dumbstruck for a few minutes, unable to move.

It wasn’t the face that caught my attention, it was the eyes.

“Katie? Could you wait here for just a second? I need to go talk to someone,” I said, not looking at my blonde companion. I was completely trained on the flash of icy blue that had crossed my line of sight.

“Um, sure, go ahead,” She replied uncertainly.

I gave her a quick glance, and an even quicker smile. “Seriously, I’ll be right back.”

I walked briskly away, cutting through a group of students on the sidewalk. A large white puff left my lips as I huffed in frustration, hitting a boy with my bag as I tried to shove through his cluster of friends. He shot me a dirty look; I returned it with a glare.

Up ahead, he had turned his back to me. Three yards from him I stepped in to the shadow of the Science building, which produced an even colder atmosphere. He seemed to notice the loud clap of my boots against the sidewalk, slowly, he started to turn.

“Hey, Si—“

I hadn’t seen the particularly shiny patch of the concrete path, or even realized it existed until my boot hit and slid on the patch of ice. The foot shot backwards out from under me, propelling the upper half of my body forward with frightening velocity. I let out a sharp gasp, only to find myself just as suddenly stopped. A set of warm hands supported me as I briefly struggled to regain my footing, shaking a little as he helped steady me.

“Klutz.”

I scowled. “I’m sorry; I was too busy worrying about checking on someone to really watch my footing.”

He released me slowly, stepping back some. Simon had Daniel Adrien’s face pulled into a harsh frown, blue irises unfitting in his current form. I had already started to regret my uncalled for attitude.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized again, pulling a hand through my hair. “You didn’t come home last night and I’ve been really worried. I’m just stressed because of it, I guess.”

I looked up; he towered over me, an amused smirk suddenly replacing his frown.

“Wait, are you telling me you missed me? Is that it? Were you lonely, Maggie?” His bright eyes were brimming with mirth as he crossed his arms over his chest. I felt my face flush, irritation quickly boiling.

“Miss you? I just said I was worried about you, you delusional jerk. Who said anything about missing you?”

I swung at him; he stepped swiftly back, dodging me with a chuckle. “Hey, you’re blushing.”

“I. Did not. Miss you!” I said between gritted teeth and swings at him. I made no contact while his comments hit the marks they were so clearly meant to.

“Just admit it, Maggie. Come on, it’s not that hard,” He laughed, fingers circling my wrist as I swung at him again. He seemed so much happier than I could ever recall him being, smiling and laughing as he playfully teased me. Another facet of Simon seemed to have decided to reveal itself. Seeing him so happy was a startling difference from what he had been the day before. Not bad, just unexpected.

I had watched him leave for the fraternity house then, infected with confusion, sadness, and disbelief. It was so completely unbearable to even have simply witnessed. I hadn’t slept because of it; my mind had been a festering pot of despair and chaos. Every second of every minute I had expected and hoped for Simon’s reappearance, yet simultaneously dreaded it. George’s admission had been the other half of my restless evening. How could I face Simon and keep such a wretched secret locked securely in my mind and heart? For his sake, I had to.

“Zone out much?” Simon waved Daniel’s hand in front of my face. I jumped slightly.

“Uh, wha?” I blinked. In a Simon-like manner, Daniel’s eyebrow rose.

“Are you okay?” He questioned cautiously.

I sighed, squeezing my eyes tightly closed as I massaged my forehead. “That’s what I came to ask you, actually.”

“Well I asked first.”

“Fine, lacking in the sleep department, but fine,” I half-lied. “But now really, how are you?”

“Huh, couldn’t sleep without me?” He smirked.

“Dear god you are full of yourself,” I mumbled irritably. “Would you just answer the question, please?”

It grew quiet for a moment, the cold winter air stinging my cheeks. I stared steadily up at him, watching as the amusement slipped from his face, only to be replaced by a solemn, pensive mask. He shuffled, slipping his hands into the pockets of the Northface he wore.

“I slept last night, Maggie.”

I held my silence. The statement seemed too simple, too innocent.

He sighed. “I slept and I dreamed. You don’t know how much you take things like that for granted.”

My heart sank; more things to torment him once he slipped out of Daniel’s body and regained his hollow existence. It seemed it would haunt me almost as much as it did him. He would suffer, undoubtedly, and I would endure my own pain just by watching. Why did his misery have to hurt me, as well?

“At least you don’t feel the cold then.” I offered a fake smile. He didn’t return it. Slowly though, he removed his right hand from his pocket. My eyelids fluttered rapidly as his fingertips lightly brushed my cheek, an odd combination of warmth and cold. They lingered there, my eyes slowly closed. Simon’s face burned brightly on the back of my eyelids, another involuntary shiver ripped through me; this one not from cold. A soft flame seemed to fill my chest, warm, pleasant, all together fantastic. Slowly, the feeling dissipated as his touch left. The flame in my chest faded, eyes opening to see the figure of Daniel standing stoically in front of me.

Simon’s eyes welled with a pain that mimicked the ache I felt from the loss of his touch. “I can’t feel warmth then either though, Maggie.”

“Get out,” I said quickly, softly.

He blinked, unsure of my words. “What?”

“Get out of him, Simon. Please.”

“What the hell?” He stiffened, blue irises hardening considerably as his eyebrows scrunched together.

I swallowed, the floodgates to my immediate thoughts opened. “I don’t like it. I don’t like you in him. It doesn’t feel right. I closed my eyes just now and I saw you, but when I opened them again it was him. I don’t like what it does to you, you possessing him. You were so… drained and burnt out after the last time. It scared me, and I’ve been going out of my mind since last night. How bad is it going to be this time? The longer you’re in him, the more it will hurt you? Is that how it goes? It doesn’t feel right, seeing your eyes in his face. It’s wrong, it’s all wrong…”

I’m selfish. I want you back as you. I miss seeing your face. I miss you constantly hovering over me. Come back. I am selfish.

My sudden outburst surprised me as much as it did him. I had tried to keep myself in check, that voice of petty desires had long been caged. But Simon had always flipped things for me. He was the first person to cause me to openly admit my dislike of them, the first to get me to crack about my mother. He could break me without even trying. I had said more than I ever meant to with those few short sentences, but somehow, just barely managed to keep a smidgen of it to myself. Not that those words hadn’t come dangerously close to exposing themselves, but there was the tiniest bit of self control that allowed me to keep them down.

“Daniel?”

The heavy silence between us was shattered by a third party. My attention slowly shift to my right. Just a few feet a way, a striking platinum blonde stood with her arms crossed tightly over her chest. Clad in dark-washed flare jeans and a brown leather coat she stared blatantly at me, although his name had been the one she called. Her brown eyes rolled slowly over me, small pouted lips a harsh line. She shook a few silvery strands of hair out of her face, shifting her attention ever so slowly to the body of Daniel Adriens. She felt familiar, I was sure I had seen her tight figure and Hollywood-blonde hair somewhere before.

“Sorry to interrupt, but we have plans, or did you forget already?” She placed a hand on her hip giving him an acidic glare. The glare I remembered. The glare made things click. For a fraction of a second at Simon’s funeral I had bumped into this girl, only to receive that very look. But I swear it felt like that wasn’t the only time I had seen her, it felt like there was something else, something I was missing.

“Uh…” Simon stood staring; mouth slightly agape, blue eyes nearly bugging out of Daniel’s skull. He seemed completely dumbstruck by this girl; I gave her a quick glance before reverting my focus back to him. A bitter, stinging sensation hit my gut, and lingered on the back of my tongue. I tried to block it out, tried to tell myself it was Daniel ogling this stereotypically beautiful girl.

“Oh come on, Daniel,” she huffed. “Do you want to fail Samson’s class? I found out when there was a lab room open just for you. Are we going or not?”

He still seemed flabbergasted, eyes shifting uneasily over the girl. “I… Sure…”

The girl hesitated slightly; a hold of apprehension hit her at the notice of his strange behavior. Slowly, she stepped forward and linked her arm in his.

“Alright, say goodbye to your…” She gave me a derisive once-over. “Friend.”

He merely nodded in my direction, not even offering the briefest eye-contact as the slender blonde pulled him into the doors of the science building. I stared after them momentarily, the biting pang of jealousy hitting me again. I headed back for Katie in a worsened mood, fingers burning with cold, gut festering with an unpleasant ache, body suffering from the heavy weight of exhaustion.

She didn’t smile as I approached her; instead her eyebrows were pulled high in a look of blatant disbelief, arms crossed reproachfully over her chest.

“Daniel Adriens, huh?”

By the look in her eye, and her mocking tone, her insinuation was hard to miss. I shook my head rapidly.

“No, no, Katie. It’s nothing like that, I swear,” I stated. “He really is in my Algebra class, and I had to ask him when our next test was, that’s all, really.”

Katie rolled her eyes. “Uh huh. That’s not what it looked like to me, Ms. Red Cheeks. Come on, let’s go. Really, Maggie, you don’t need to deny it. I have never seen anyone blush the way you did when you were talking to him. You’re smitten.”

“Smitten?” I felt my cheeks glow even brighter as we walked towards our cars. “Who uses the word smitten anymore?”

“I do. And it’s because you are. Just admit I’m right.”

I am not smitten with Daniel.” It was the truth. I had absolutely no interest in Daniel Adriens. “Besides, I just ended a relationship. Trust me; I don’t want another one right now.”

Katie looked over at me as I pulled a few loose strands of hair away from my face. “Oh? I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, two year relationship down the drain after I caught him and my best friend playing tonsil hockey over sushi,” I admitted darkly.

“Damn, girl. Is she still your ‘best friend?’”

I rolled my eyes as I reached for the door handle and proceeding to quickly slide into Katie’s chilled Camry. “I haven’t spoken to her since. What do you think?”

“And him?”

I flinched, fighting away the images of my last confrontation with Darren. “One unpleasant encounter, then the same.”

The car’s engine roared to life, I dropped my head back against the headrest. Darren was still missing, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell Katie that the boy on the news everyone was searching for was the ex I had been speaking of. I didn’t want to think about what may have happened to him; but a strong gut feeling told me he was no longer in the world of the living.

“Well, you’re a lot tougher than most girls, including myself,” Katie admitted, pulling out of the parking lot. “The first time Daniel cheated on me, I took him back.”

My head whipped involuntarily in her direction. She was smiling, staring straight ahead.

“Wait, what?”

She looked over at me, jade eyes seeming to laugh slightly. “What? I dated Daniel my first semester here. Please quit looking so shocked. We’re over now; we’ve been over for a good year, Maggie. Nothing to worry about. If you want him, go for it, but that nice little confrontation you had with Felicia earlier won’t be the last if you do.”

I groaned. “Katie, seriously, I am not interested in Daniel, I swear. And who the hell is Felicia?”

“Maggie, you can’t tell me you didn’t see the blonde that waltzed over, interrupted your conversation and drug Daniel into the science building,” She scoffed. “That was Felicia Derby.”

“Oh, her,” The words came out with a bit more disgust than I meant for them to have. Katie let out a tinkling laugh.

“That’s how the majority of the sororities feel about her too, ya know,” She chuckled. “I myself wouldn’t mind ripping some of that stringy hair of hers out if the opportunity presented itself.”

“What did she do, exactly?” My curiosity butted in

Katie sighed, “The better question is who hasn’t she done? The girl is a notorious man eater, and generally once she gets her claws in someone, she doesn’t let them go so easily. I mean, Simon escaped her via suicide, so death is clearly an easy way out.”

A sharp jolt of shock ripped through me, leaving me dazed and stunned as I stared, fixated on Katie. Had I heard right? My head was thrown into a sudden spin cycle, the world around me seeming to move as I hung swaying, ready to lose my grip on reality at any second.

“Felicia was with Simon?” My throat mimicked the feeling of sand paper as I tried to swallow.

“Yeah, they started dating about a month into last semester. Despite how big of a dick the guy was, he was actually a pretty faithful boyfriend. I can’t say the same for her though. God knows how many times I saw her drag Daniel or that red-headed fuck George into an empty classroom when he wasn’t around. The guy was oblivious to it all, too. I don’t think she had any intentions of ending the relationship either, considering who his mother is,” Katie explained. I let my head swim, I let it try to wrap around her words, but it didn’t want to. “And now she’s still screwing around with Daniel, as a Chemistry TA though it’s a lot easier for her to get away with a quickie in an empty room since she knows all of the lab schedules and has her own keys. She said something about helping him with a lab or studying or some bullshit like that, didn’t she?”

I nodded numbly, a steel fist had a firm hold on my stomach, squeezing it tightly, making it difficult not to upchuck in Katie’s floorboard. The thought of what could be going on between those two led to one of the worst sensations of sickness I had ever experienced.

“Aw, shit, Maggie, don’t look so upset. Dammit, I said too much didn’t I? Shit, Maggie, I’m really sorry. Look, I’ll buy you a mocha or hot chocolate or whatever you want at Starbucks, okay? It’s my treat.” She gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “Just think, she’s doing 101 labs since it’s a requirement of her Chemistry major, so if you ever have her, you can just accidentally pour a test tube of acid or something on the bitch. Isn’t that a pleasant thought? It always cheers me up.”

I stared blankly at the road ahead of us; more than a few of Katie’s words were beginning to click in a sinister, horrifying way. In my mind, Felicia was becoming more devastatingly devious by the minute. Chemistry major; her relationship to Simon; her possible tie to George; maybe it was just my urgent sense of dislike, but it felt like she had to be tied to Simon’s death. Simon hadn’t drunk himself to death; someone had attained access to the rophynol that was so kindly slipped into my drink; Felicia was a Chemistry major, not to mention a TA. Wouldn’t she have access to all sorts of chemicals? Wouldn’t she have some sort of knowledge of their uses and effects?

“What year is she?” I asked quietly.

Up ahead, between power lines and business signs the Starbucks emblem could be seen. My need for a caffeinated drink seemed to have dissipated. I was now fueled by the thoughts of plots and corruption.

“Senior. She’s going to graduate with the highest GPA in her major,” Katie replied. “Why?”

“Curious, that’s all.” I undid my seatbelt as Katie turned into the Starbucks. My mind was in overdrive as we quickly crossed to the building’s entrance. The puzzle pieces were beginning to fall into place. There were a few missing, here or there, but the picture as a whole was beginning to take shape. What was there was not pleasant. It was a twisted, horrifying portrait of betrayal, murder, and misplaced trust. It was something I had to be sure to hide from Simon at all costs.

**

I dozed on and off that night. Sleep was teasing me, taunting me with whispers in dreams that felt all too real. The shadow dreams that hung in the realm right between wake and sleep used their haze to trick me into hearing Simon’s voice; a voice that wasn’t there, one I found myself desperate to hear. The lack of his usually intimidating, unpleasant presence was oddly unnerving, not calming or peaceful like I had originally imagined.

I hadn’t seen him upon our return to school; after Women’s Studies I had gone out of my way to walk past the science building, to my dismay, there was nothing.

My chest felt heavy as I pulled the silk comforter up closer to my chin. The past twenty-four hours had taught me a few things, one about myself instead of Simon’s murder. The “it’s just concern” excuse when considering my anxiety over his absence was slowly falling to pieces. Concern wouldn’t make me jealous; it wouldn’t make me blush. Concern wouldn’t make me so absolutely desperate for his return. Decisively, I was going mad. He was dead; and that was all there was to it. There could never be anything more. He was intangible, no longer belonged in the realm of the living, and presumably would have to move on. There should be no emotional ties, only a business-like partnership. This was after all, merely for the sake of bringing his killer to justice. He was still here for a reason wasn’t he? Wouldn’t that be it, wasn’t that his unfinished business?

I had to rid my head those thoughts. It was imperative emotional ties were cut; it was complete nonsense that I had dropped my guard in such a manner. It was just like the funeral home transactions; it needed to be strictly business, an avoidance of any type of emotional attachment. But for some reason, this felt as though it would be much more costly in that aspect if things were to go badly, or when the deal was done. I needed to be guarded; but simultaneously I needed to protect him.

Heart versus head should have been an easily decided battle. But that was never the case; especially not then. All logic pointed to scraping any feelings tied to the ghost boy; my heart was elsewhere, it was telling me it was too late, that it was already caving and crumbling to Simon Dreyton. I sighed, squeezing my eyes closed and burying myself even further in my nest of pillows and sheets. I was going out of my mind, and thoughts of Simon were beginning to hurt.

Somewhere in the house, an almost unnoticeable whoosh sounded, followed shortly by a similar sound as the heater kicked on. The vent in the upper right corner of my room, near my bed let out an audible, continuous sigh. That sound, was for some reason relaxing.

My mind was in a state of utter chaos, thoughts unstable and easily derailed, but at that point the previous night’s lack of sleep seemed all-consuming. Trained unintentionally on the humming from the vent I began dozing off once again. The peace and calm I was being lulled into seemed like a fantastic blessing.

Then, through the warmth, a soft whisper of cold brushed my cheek. Slowly, it moved, rolling down my side, barely nipping me through the silk comforter. The cool sensation pressed against my back; a chilled arm wrapped around my torso. I shivered, with difficulty opening my eyes to find a glowing, semi translucent arm draped over me. A small shot of elation riddled with a trace of shock ripped through me as I tried to shift onto my back to face him. His hold tightened.

“Don’t, Maggie. Just don’t move, please.”

I was frozen. His words rendered me motionless, the farmiliar voice a welcome sound to my ears. I didn’t say anything as his hand shift, tracing its way up my arm through the comforter. His fingers found the spot where the sheets ended and pulled them down to expose my bare shoulder. I closed my eyes, breathing slowly as he began to lightly run his finger tips along my skin in circular patterns.

With his other hand he brushed my hair back over my shoulder. I felt him move, and ever so gently a pair of cold lips brushed the back of my neck. They lingered there, lightly pressed against my skin as I tried to maintain my composure. My chest felt as though it was on fire, the nerves in the spots he touched were left tingling with a pleasant, but almost unnerving sensation.

“Simon? Are you okay?” My voice came out a strained whisper.

His lips moved against my skin as he spoke, small bursts of the tingling sensation struck me with every tiny motion. “I’m tired, Maggie, very tired.”

There was a long silence as we lay there, his words extinguishing the flames in my chest, a heavy, dark ache taking their place. Once again separation from Daniel seemed to have taken its toll on him. What would happen when it became too much for him to handle? If he was like this now, what would he be like then? The mere thought terrified me.

“Don’t do it again, Simon, please.”

Behind me he let out a weak scoff, I could feel his cool lips form a small smile against my flesh. “It seems as though you’re one of the very few who has ever really worried about me. And I’ve been horrible to you, I don’t understand it. It really sucks, Maggie, learning you were just a tool for someone else, that they never even liked you.”

Felicia. Of course there was no way he would be able to avoid learning the truth if she drug him into one of the empty science labs for a little one-on-one time. I didn’t see a way for him to avoid the truth if he had that type of confrontation with her.

“You deserved better,” I replied, looking towards my window and into the dark of the night.

“So did you.”

I ached to touch him, just even something small, like pushing one of his curls away from his face, or even just be able to brush finger tips with him for half a second. Using a medium like Daniel didn’t seem right; it was a cheap imitation of the real thing, a puppet, but nothing more.

I sighed. “Promise me you won’t do it again.”

“What if you need me though?” He replied against my skin.

“I don’t care. I’ll be fine,” I stated. “Just promise me you won’t do it again. For me, please.”

He had begun running his fingers along the crook of my neck all the way back to my shoulder. I could feel the goose bumps spring up across my skin. I didn’t care how cold I was, I didn’t want him to stop. It was ever so slowly lulling me to sleep. His presence relaxed me, no more taunting dreams of him being in the room, this time he actually was.

“I promise.”

My eyes slowly drifted shut; those two words seemed to have been the final key to the gates of the realm of sleep. I was comfortable, wrapped in my comforter, under the touch of Simon Dreyton.

“I did miss you,” I admitted in an almost inaudible whisper. The fogginess of sleep was beginning to overshadow everything, except the cool sensation of his touch. That was one thing I could still feel.

His lips brushed against my neck one more time, and gently, “I know. I missed you too.”

There was one last thought before I let sleep cloak my mind in the land of the surreal, one selfish admission I didn’t say, one I knew to be truer than I would ever let anyone know.

I want you around. I want you to stay.