Creating Something out of Nothing

When Matt, Brian and I left Zacky's that day, we got in Brian's car, me and Matt in the backseat and Brian drove. I sat stiffly with eyes that wanted to let go of the tears they were holding like a dam wanting to burst free of its water weight, my lips made a tight, thin line across my face. I wouldn't look at Matt, I wouldn't meet Brian's eyes when he looked at me through his rearview mirror, I didn't even look out the fucking window. But when I got to my house and inside to my room, after rejecting Matt's company, I was a complete mess.

As soon as I hit the bed, the tears poured like a hurricane had hit and my face was a town getting drowned by the rain. It wasn't just tears, I was sobbing, and at one point, I was screaming for hours. My parents were out of town for the weekend, so I would be home by myself all weekend. My older brother was no longer living with us which was why I stayed out most nights. I got so sick of hearing my own screams that I put on the second Kittie CD [titled Oracle] so that I'd blend into something. But my lonliness was short-lived when I saw Mandy's car pull up to my house and she got out, marching up to my front door. I wasn't sure if she would bother knocking: if she really knew me, she wouldn't. And a few seconds later, I wasn't disappointed.

Mandy stepped into the room and turned off my stereo, I had long since stopped screaming. For the past thirty minutes or so, I had been laying silently on my bed or at the window, watching how the beautiful blue sky was accompanied by a bright yellow sun and white puffy clouds like the day was perfect. The weather should've reflected my mood. It should've been dark outside with thick, gray clouds rolling in and thunderstorms so violent the power would be knocked out, with lightning bolts so furious that they struck someone dead on the street or split an innocent tree. I was miserable and there was nothing I could do about it because what Zacky did was out of my hands. I couldn't control him, I couldn't make him forgive me, I couldn't make him love me. My head screamed at me to let it go, because I was so used to telling other people the same advice. But my heart couldn't let go of Zacky. I'd loved him for a long time; only recently had the opportunity arisen for me to be closer to him than just friends. And of course I was gonna snatch the chance faster than a spoiled brat would grab a toy from a baby.

I was brought of my dark and empty thoughts when I felt Mandy run her fingers through my matted hair. I hadn't brushed it when it was wet so now it was a big, poofy mess, the only solution was to wash my hair again. When I winced, Mandy stopped, but she ran her hand down to one of my cheeks, her other hand taking place on the other side of my face and pulling it up so that I could see her. She looked in my eyes and instantly tears sprang to her eyes. I'm always happy and expressive, so my emotions usually affect other people this way. Seeing her cry made me break down into sobs, horrible, gut-wrenching, ugly sobs that I couldn't stop or hold back any longer. I'd swallowed them for much too long and now I could let them go because Mandy loved me no matter what I said to her, no matter what I did. She would never push me away over a misunderstanding. Only the guy that I loved could do that to me. Of course.

As I cried, Mandy pulled me to her and held me, rocking me back and forth as her tears slipped down her cheeks and hit my face. We sat there crying for hours, the sky was pink and orange when we had finally finished. Our cheeks were thick and sticky from our dried tears, our eyes were bloodshot and our clothes were wrinkled from being grabbed and held and scrunched.

"So," she began then exhaled. "What'cha gonna do?"

"I have no fucking clue, Mandy," I said, my voice cracking and squeaking from screaming so much. "I just wish he would fucking talk to me. I mean... I would rather us go back to strictly friends than for him to just cut us off altogether. No platonicism, no buddy-buddy pat on the back friendship, he just told me he didn't wanna hear or see me and told us to get the fuck out." I almost started crying again at the memory, but I held it back. I'd regret it later, but I was sick of crying. I'd been crying for damn near seven hours, I was done for the moment.

"You know how Zacky is. He gets stubborn when people push at him."

"Yeah, I know. That's why I was trying to tell Matt to back the fuck off. But no! He has to be my protector and savior and yell at him and berate him and fucking belittle him. I could've eased everything by just telling him that it was fine, I'd accept how he felt. I just had to calm down a little. I'm fucking heartbroken, Mandy." My voice cracked when I said 'heartbroken' and I started crying again. Those fucking waterworks wouldn't quit.

"Shh, baby, I know you're hurting. I know you woulda fixed it if you could have. But maybe it's best that you and Zacky spend some time apart from each other for a little while. He needs to figure out shit with him and you need to figure out shit with you."

"There's nothing to figure out! He doesn't wanna be with me, so I have to get over it."

"I know, but that's easier said than done. Especially with the fact that you've felt like this for Zacky for way longer than you'd been fucking him."

Yeah, I know at the beginning I said I fell for him after we started having sex. But that's not true. I'd always felt something for Zacky. Having sex with him just solidified and intensified my feelings. Like grew to love, it was that simple.

"I know. But.... I don't know, Mandy. I think I need a bath, some ice cream, some movies, and in a day or two, I need to get fucking drunk." She started laughing at what I'd said.

"Why not get drunk now?"

"Because my emotions are too erratic, and I may do something I'd regret if I get drunk now. Especially since my current problem was caused by the fact that I got drunk and Zacky got drunk."

She nodded slowly and replied, "Well, that's very rational of you."

"You know I'm a practical person, Mand. Even if I'm an emotional wreck, I'm gonna think about how things affect other things."

"Yeah, that's how you are. So, what do you say we get started and I run you a bath? While you're in there, I'll go get some movies and ice cream, I'll come back here, we'll grab blankets and spoons, and begin the ritual."

"Yes ma'am, that sounds like a fucking good idea."

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ZACKY'S POV

I fucked up royally.

I can't even believe that I yelled at her. I can't believe I got angry at her. I can't believe I fucking pushed her. What the fuck got into me?

Tammy got into me, that's what. I wasn't expecting to fall for someone, not even Tammy. I mean, I've always thought she was amazing, but now she's amazing in a whole other way that I can't admit to. I can't repeat what happened with Madison.

Oh, I'm sure you want the 411 on who the fuck she is.

Madison Lee was the love of my fucking life about a year ago. We were together from freshman year til junior year. Then she fucking cheated on me with this guy that was supposed to be one of my best friends, and was on the team with me. Nobody, and I mean nobody, knows how that went except me and Madison. I told the guys that we weren't into each other anymore and that we split up, but that was the second biggest lie I've ever told in my life [the biggest being the one where I told Tammy that I don't love her when I do]. But yeah, that girl literally ripped my heart out of my chest and squoze it til there was no more blood to drip from it. Then, as if that weren't enough, she threw it on the ground and smashed it with her fucking spike heel. Seem dramatic? No, not only did she cheat on me, she brought me back something from that fucker [if it was only one]. Thank the Lord that it was curable, it wasn't bad at all, but the fact that she cheated and gave me something, to this day, pisses me off.

And yeah, I know what you're thinking. Tammy would never do that to you. Tammy wouldn't cheat, Tammy's a sweetheart, she loves you. All the same shit that I've said myself. I can talk myself into it all I want to, but when it comes to doing it and telling Tammy how I really feel, I freeze and revert back to cold-hearted, stubborn, bitch ass Zacky.

I've been sitting in my kitchen gulping from a bottle of Jack Daniels. I was getting drunk pretty damn quick on account of me not having eaten anything. When it comes down to it, I'm a bit of a lightweight with my alcohol. I just have a high tolerance as far as blacking out and puking goes. But I was getting to the point where I was gonna be falling off the bar stool pretty soon. As soon as that thought slipped out of my head, I heard the front door open, keys jingling, but only one set of footsteps, which meant my parents aren't home. My brother can't drive, so he wasn't not home. Must be one of the guys. The person walked in the room and, sure enough, it was Brian.

"Hey man."

"Hey," I slurred at him.

"Zacky, how long have you been drinking?"

"Mmm, since... I think not too long after you guys left earlier."

"Dammit, Zacky." He yanked the JD from my hand and I fell to the side, the only thing that kept me from colliding with the floor was Brian grabbing me. The stool fell though, poor stool. "Alright, Zacky. Up the stairs with you." I sagged down to the floor as he tried to help me to the door.

"That's not gonna work, Bri."

"Fuck it." And with that, he picked me up in his arms to carry me up to my room. "You say a word about this to anyone, and I'll chop your balls off, dude."

"You think I want anyone to know I got carried like a little bitch?"

"You are a little bitch."

"How so, Bri?"

"Because you know, you fucking know that you love Tammy. And you know that she loves you, and you broke her heart anyway."

"Fuck you, Brian. You don't know shit."

"Does this have to do with Madison, Zacky?"

"Don't fucking say her name!" I screamed. The tears were starting to spring to my eyes, but I fought them back. I would not cry over that whore again. I wouldn't shed another tear for her. Not after how she treated my ass.

"Alright, Zacky. But you need to let Tammy know how you feel."

"I don't love Tammy, Brian. You guys are all. You're all delusional. I don't love her, dammit."

"Alright, Zacky. I believe you."

You shouldn't, Brian. Because I don't even believe myself.

END ZACKY'S POV