The Spotlight

Oddly, sitting in the hospital today was much different than all of those other times. Nellie was bound to be released any day now. All we were waiting for was the doctors final okay. He said he just needed to be sure that Nellie was ready, both physically and mentally. But that still wasn’t what made things seem so odd. It was the person who had accompanied me, who made me feel odd. Not bad, but odd just the same. Today seemed really different. I watched as his eyes were set upon me as I stood next to Nellie.

“You don’t have to walk with me every single step, Chloe. I can walk back and forth down a hallway for ‘exercise’. Even though I don’t understand how this is considered exercise, I think I burned one-thousandth of a calorie, congratulations.” Nellie said sarcastically, adding in an overly dramatic rolling of the eyes. “I’m going to be like a 200 pounds heavier before I finally leave this stupid hospital!”

“You look fine, and I do it just in case. This is the most physical activity you’ve done in a while. Just take everything one simple step at a time.” I said, gently. She was getting fed up with this whole hospital thing, and to be honest I wasn’t such a big fan of this either.

“Well, I’m getting kind of fed up with this whole routine. You know what, I’m done for now. I’m going to just go sit down or something before I rip this stupid freaking doctor’s head off.” Nellie said harshly, mumbling obscenities under her breath as she walked back into her hospital room.

I sat down in the waiting chair outside the room. I clearly was not welcome inside at the moment. Nick looked at me with caring eyes, but at the moment I just wasn’t in the mood for his whole sympathy routine. He had been following me around with this pitying look in his eyes for the past few days. He’d been with me just about everywhere I went, as if trying to make up for some sort of lost time. Although, I did truly love his company, sometimes it was just too much for me. It made me feel like a broken toy that no one wanted to play with. But some nice little kid would play with it, just because no one else would. Well, I was not a broken toy. I felt myself just becoming frustrated with him, and he hadn’t even said anything yet.

“Hey, could you do me a favor and get me a vitamin water?” I asked, making my voice sound a little raspy. He nodded with a sympathetic smile and walked away.

I could hear the perfect click of my sister’s heels as she headed towards me, sitting quietly in the spot where Nick had just left. Perfect. I finally get some silence, and the riddance of a pity smile, and in comes the queen of ‘I’ll always be here for you’ talks. Wow. Maybe I should just succumb to this insanity. Things really weren’t that bad. The only bad part was the stupid little looks, as if they all knew something that I didn’t. God, it wasn’t like I was mentally unstable or anything.

“So, how are you feeling today?” Jenna asked, with a worried expression.

“I’m fine Jenna.” I said, my patience clearly being tested. “Why don’t you go ask Nellie? She’s the one who needs you right now, not me.”

She nodded her head, and looked at me for a few seconds. After taking one last look, she went and walked into Nellie’s hospital room. I took a few deep breaths, preparing myself for Nick to come back, it would only be a minute or so until he returned. And within a minute or so he stood before me with my drink. I took it from him and had a sip or so. He still had that same damn look on his face. I’m not some messed up kid everyone needs to pity. I stood up in front of him more frustrated than ever.

“Look, I’m not a broken toy. Can you quit giving me that stupid look?”

“What look? I’m just concerned. Things are tough.” He said, reaching over to put his hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it off.

“Do I look concerned? Everything is going fine, and you are your stupid looks are the things making me frustrated.” I said, my voice turning from annoyance to anger.

“Hey! You don’t have to start with me just because I care! God, what’s your problem?! I’m trying to be nice to you and you’re turning it into a big fight!” Nick shouted at me, and I started to tear up. Once again everything that went wrong was turning on me. Because once again it’s all my fault.

“Just shut up, Nick! You’re the problem! You know what, why don’t you go home? I think I’ve had enough of you today.” I said, and his face turned instantly from anger to hurt.

It hurt to see the way he looked at me that moment, but I stood my ground. He turned around and started walking out. He chucked his water into a garbage can angrily, and my body flinched at the loud noise it made. I watched him as he left shaking his head, and I instantly felt bad. He was right. Once again I was the one ruining things. Damn it! I stomped my foot in frustration and poked my head into my sister’s hospital room quietly.

“Guys, I’m going to leave for a little bit. I’ll be back later.” I whispered and they both nodded.

I shut the door behind me as I headed towards the hospital’s exit. I walked outside enjoying the breath of fresh air. I pulled out my iPod, and placed the ear buds into my ears. As I listened to the calming slow music I hummed. I hadn’t had quiet time like this in a while. I felt relaxed, and it was nice. Soon enough I found myself sitting on a park bench, staring at a pond filled with ducks.

I pulled the headphones out of my ear. I listened to the quacks and the shrill laughter of the children playing in the park. I smiled looking at a little girl running around with her mom. Another mom passed by, holding the hands of her toddler daughter. I watched as the smile on a little girl’s face brightened while she and her mom slid down the slide.

I glanced around some more only to spot more mom’s with their kids. I felt my heart start to pound. Tears sprang to my eyes. I hated having to pretend that everything wasn’t bothering me. Unfortunately, that was the only option that didn’t involve pity stares which only made the feeling so much worse. I pictured my mom sitting next to me, which made me feel so much more alone. The tears started dripping down my face. I slid my sunglasses on to hide the tears. Yet another cover over what I was feeling inside.

“I can’t keep doing this to myself.” I whispered, with false determination.

Deep down I knew nothing was going to change. But I really wanted it to. I got up deciding to do something constructive. I started walking towards my house, concealing my tears. It was only a few more blocks. Finally, I reached my house and threw open the door. After reaching my room I threw on running shorts, a work-out top, and running sneakers. I needed a mental break from everything. Away from all of the insanity taking over my life.

I walked into the bathroom after changing. I looked into the newly replaced mirror. I didn’t like what I saw staring back at me. I loathed it. It was an ugly face. Curves bulging in the shirt and out of the shorts, unlike how they had fit me before. I pictured Claire with her perfectly toned body, not a flaw in sight. She was so much more beautiful. Dark circles were evident under my eyes. I inhaled sharply and thought of the many sleepless nights filled with binge eating. I turned sideways in front of the mirror and inhaled.

It was at that moment where my mind went where I never thought it would go. It was at that moment where I felt so hopeless where I thought there was no other options left for me. It was at that moment where I did something I thought I would never do. And this was only the beginning of a very large downhill spiral.

Once my stomach was empty I instantly felt lighter, more confident. A sick part of my mental game. I washed off my face and stuck my hair up in a high ponytail. Once my sneakers were on, I began my run around town. With the iPod pumping high intensity music I must’ve ran at least a mile, probably more. Much more. And before I knew it, I was back in my house, walking through the front door.

“Hey, where did you go? I thought you were going to come back to the hospital.” Jenna said, with her motherly tone perfectly intact.

“Oh, I went for a run. I had some things on my mind. Plus, it didn’t seem like Nellie wanted me there today anyway.” I said, shrugging it off as if it was no big deal. But the truth was that it was a big deal. But I was the best liar around town those days.

“She’s not mad at you, you know.” Jenna said, her voice much more quiet.

“I know. I’d just rather be there when she wants me to be. She needs space, I get that. I’d be pretty frustrated if I was in her position too.” I said, with a perfect fake understanding tone. “Um, I’m going to go take a shower. I’ll see you in a little bit.”

I walked up the stairs and stuck myself in a nice cold shower. It was meant to have a calming effect, instead I got the opposite. In the silence everything came rushing back to me. My mom’s smile came to my mind. Tears drizzled out. I thought of Nick and his face when he left. He deserves better than me. Better than this. Even as awful as he was for me, I was being ridiculous. Then came more tears. This was all my fault. I had to fix things because despite the fact that I know the two of us are wrong for each other, I need to keep him around. I don’t know why.

I got out of the shower quickly and stuck on some clothes. Soon enough I was running out of the house, and on my bicycle towards Nick’s house. The wind blew in my hair gently, sending a shiver down my spine. Finally, I was at his house, and knocked on the door lightly. Luckily it was Nick who opened the door, but with a reserved stature. I could tell her was a bit shaken. Probably still by what I had said to him. Probably even more because of the fact that I was standing at his front door.

“Nick, I’m sorry for what I said. I’m going through a lot. And letting the past go is still really really hard for me. I’m not sure if I need space, or what exactly I need from you. But you need to know that I don’t want to throw our friendship away, it’s just really hard.” I said, and tears leaked out of my eyes.

“It’s okay.” Nick said, reaching for me. He pulled me into a hug and rubbed my back gently. At that moment I knew that this was the right thing for me to have done. But why did it feel so wrong? Why did it make me so much more scared than I already was. “I’m not leaving, I already told you that. So you better just get used to having me around.”

The question was whether or not that was actually what I wanted…