I Only See You

The blush that crept onto my face when I took Cecilia's hand was one for the record books. I half expected for Kevin or Joe to make a comment about it but then I remembered that they wouldn't do such a thing during dinner. I was completely red when I reached out for her but then calmed once her fingers were around mine. She didn't pull away like how I pictured her to. She looked at me with a curious face and I gave her a reassuring smile.

Is it horrible to find another woman who you would leave your arranged fiance for? At sixteen, would it be such a sin? Because I cannot control the thoughts I have of being with this beautiful woman who isn't my fiance. This is the girl I want to marry. She is the one I want to spend my life with.

Why am I asking myself such questions? Of course this is wrong. My parents want me, expect me, to marry Julia Gaines. They tell me everyday that she is the one I am destined to be with. Yes, she is beautiful. Yes, she is wonderful. But I am not in love with her. Do I wish to be? Sometimes. Before. But...not anymore. Not after finding the one girl who made me blush like a woman.

"Nicholas," Mr. Tarver caught my attention and I drew my hand away from Cecilia's in case someone would notice.

"Yes sir?" I answered with a fake enthusiastic tone.

"Are you planning on attending a college in the future?" He asked me, putting his hands under his chin.

"Yes, I---"

But I was cut off by my mother. "Nicholas is working hard to attend Harvard Law School. Although he is only sixteen, he will be able to graduate early and attend Harvard when he is seventeen."

Although my mother spoke for me, my aspirations for Harvard were true. I wanted to become a lawyer when I was younger. My parents promised me that I could attend Harvard but eventually take over the oil business. I felt that owning the oil business would only be a waste of my time if I were able to become a successful lawyer.

"That's very ambitious of you Nicholas," Mr. Tarver nodded. "And when will you and Julia be getting married? Before or after college?"

"Oh, they'll be getting married before Nicholas starts college so Julia can go with him," My father answered for me. I wasn't informed of this news yet and my eyes bulged from their sockets. I didn't want to get married until I was done with college and now I had to marry Julia before?

"Won't I be a little young?" I asked. "I'll be going to college next year, I'll only be seventeen. That's---"

"Perfect," my mom said eyeing me curiously. "I thought we had discussed this before."

"We've discussed the arrangement, not the date," I said. "And I'd much rather wait until I'm finished with college to get married. That way I'll be out of school and working."

"Nicholas, we've already started planning, Julia and I have been planning for a while now," My mom told me and I turned to Julia who was drinking from her glass, avoiding eye contact. Instead of blowing up, I composed myself and turned back to my mother.

"We're sixteen, it's too soon," I said. "I'm only a teenager. Why don't you plan Joe's wedding or Kevin's wedding?"

"Because we found Julia solely for you Nicholas," My father answered. "And the sooner, the better. You should be glad that no other man has sweeped Julia off of her feet."{

"But there's so many things I want to do in my life and---"

"Julia will be by your side as you do them," My mother finished.

The atmosphere changed at the table as everyone gazed over at me. Mr. Tarver had his two fingers against his lips while he lounged back in his chair. Julia kept eating little bites of her food and avoiding me.

"So," Mr. Tarver said, leaning up again. "Joseph, what do you plan on doing?"

Dinner continued with Mr. Tarver asking my brothers questions about their futures. I think he saw that I was getting uncomfortable with them. Anyone at the table could've seen that I was shocked considering how much my eyes were out of their sockets.

Once dinner was over, Julia once again stayed behind. She offered Cecilia to stay but she nicely declined saying that she wasn't feeling too well. I stepped out of the dining room, onto the deck and let out a huge breath. The cold air felt good against my skin, considering how hot it was in there. I gripped the railing and closed my eyes letting out deep cleansing breaths.

"Harvard," I heard Cecilia say beside me. "That's amazing. You must be very proud of yourself."

"Not when I'm being forced to do something else in my future," I said. "I'm going to law school, but will end up owning my father's oil company. And that's not what I want. Whatever my parents want for me is not what I want. I don't want to inherit the oil company. I do not want to get married before college. And I do not want to marry Julia."

"Why not?" Cecilia asked. I was immedietly calmed by her soothing voice and I looked at her and she was glowing in the moonlight like the night before. She looked wonderful in the dress but still looked very cold. I shrugged off my coat and set it on her shoulders and she wrapped it around herself.

"I'm not in love with her," I answered. "I love her, as a person, just not in the way of wanting to be with her for the rest of our lives."

"You're sixteen, you might end up feeling that way in the future," Cecilia said. "You can't just think because you're not in love with her now, you won't be in love with her in the future."

"How old are you?" I asked out of the blue. "I mean, you seem to know about love."

"Trust me, I don't," she answered. "I just believe in it. And I'm fifteen. I'm turning sixteen soon. And in my opinion, having to marry someone at seventeen seems very...sudden. You haven't experienced your life yet. People say that college is the time of their lives. Being able to live your life without anything tying you down."

"Exactly, I want to live my life before I have to settle down," I said. "You get what I'm saying?"

"For me, I want to settle down. I've lived the life that I was supposed to and now I just want to find someone to spend my life with," Cecilia said. "You're lucky, you know. Because you have the choice in money, you have your family, they look out for you. It's not all bad things in your life Nick. There's people who would kill for the life you have. I would definetly do anything to have the life you have. Don't be ungrateful."

"I'm not being ungrateful," I replied, with a hint of anger in my voice. It wasn't intentional, it just came out. But before I could apologize, Cecilia started to speak.

"You may say you're not being ungrateful, but right now and during dinner, you seemed very ungrateful," she said to me. "You looked uncomfortable and bored and didn't acknowledge when your little brother tried to catch your attention. You didn't move when your fiance held your hand. All you did was put down your parents' plans for you. It seems like a wonderful future Nick. And at least you're gaining a future. I don't have one. When we get back to America, I have no where to go. I have to start fresh while you go home to a big house and your family.

You have everything in the world and I'm just saying, stop and think about it. You have a life. You can do something about it. Here's a thought -- tell your parents. They will get over it. But for me, there's nothing. But I'm grateful that I'm healthy. I'm grateful that I actually survived on my own. Just...don't make a stupid decision and throw everything away."

Cecilia's words lit a light in my mind. I was being completely ungrateful with everything I had. She was right. I had given the cold shoulder to my family and I immedietly felt guilty.

"And your family is lovely," Cecilia continued. "Although I did feel awkward being in such an atmosphere, your family and Julia made me feel welcome. Please thank them again for me."

Cecilia then handed me my jacket and turned around and walked away from me. I gripped the jacket in my hands and watched as Cecilia was leaving. She was right. She was completely right. But I didn't feel like I was going to make a stupid decision with what I was about to do.

"Cecilia!"

I called after her and she turned around slowly. Walk to her Nick. Move your legs. I slowly made my way to her and stopped when I was about two feet away. "Is there a party going on tonight?"

+++

After I told Nicholas that the parties go on every night, he immedietly took my hand and we headed down to the lower levels. I didn't know why he wanted to go to the party so bad. There was only dancing and beer and the up beat music. It wasn't something I went to. But Nick seemed eager to go.

When we went inside, people were dancing to the country-ish music and many were drunk from the beer they were chugging down. Nick went deeper into the party with my hand around his and took a cup of beer from the bar. He eyed it at first but then chugged it down with one gulp. He coughed after it and I laughed a little.

"I never knew how badly this tasted," he groaned and tried to get the taste from his mouth.

"Aw, you're just weak," I said and took a cup and drank it down while Nick watched me. After finished the cup, I set it down and looked at Nick.

"It tastes disgusting, how can you do that?" he asked as he laughed.

"I know it's disgusting, I've just learned to withstand it," I smiled. The music started to get more upbeat and Nick took my hand once again and dragged me to the center of the room where everyone was dancing. He then spun me around and took my other hand and we started to dance together along with everyone else.

We were laughing and smiling as we spun and danced and joined in with the groups dancing. Close to eleven, we were sweating and exhausted and partly drunk from a few beers we had. I looked at the clock and thought that Nick should get back soon so I took his arm and led him out into the hallway, and he stumbled as he laughed.

"You should go back to your room," I said as he leaned his head back on the wall. "I'm sure Julia's looking for you."

"I'm sure the whole family is looking for me," he laughed. He sobered up a little and ran his hand in his messy hair. We headed to my room when Nick offered to walk me back, making sure I was safe.

When we arrived at my door, I opened my door to see my roommate making out with a random guy on her bed. They hadn't stopped when I opened the door so I closed it again. "Well, that was awkward," I muttered. "I guess I have to wait that one out."

"We could walk around the ship again," Nick suggested. "I should really air myself out before going back. I smell like smoke and beer and my parents won't approve."

"That might be a good idea," I said and this time, I made the move and took his hand and he immedietly wrapped his fingers around mine. I blushed again and hid my face from him as we made our way up onto the deck.

No one was around, because of the late hour, and we went to the front again and let the cool air take away the smell of our clothing. I sat down on the deck floor because of my aching legs and Nick followed suit and sat beside me.

"I thought about what you said," I said to him. "About getting married too soon and not Julia. And I can see where you're coming from. You're sixteen and you haven't made up your mind. But tell me one thing, how do you already know that you won't fall in love with her?"

"Because this is being forced on me and I don't like to be forced," he said. "It won't appeal to me if it's being forced upon me. I've tried, believe me, I've tried to force myself to love Julia but it hasn't worked and it won't. Not anymore. Not that I've---"

"You've what?"

Nick looked to the dark sea and squinted as a cold breeze came by. As he looked at the sea, his hand took mine again and he brought my knuckles to his lips and then looked me in the eyes. "I've met someone. And I think she might be the one for me."

Please hold up my heart
Give me a reason for this empty silence
Please hold up my heart
Darlin' I am changin
But everybody's changin too