I Only See You

Nicholas jolted down the halls, dodging and circling around as many people as blocked him, ran down two flights of stairs, and made his way to Cecilia's door while everyone was trying to evacuate. "Cecilia! Cecilia, are you in there?!" Nick pounded on the door as he shouted. "Cecilia! It's Nicholas! We need to get out!"

He heard the door unlocking and Cecilia was not at the door, but her roommate. She pushed her way frantically away from Nick, running down the hall and Nick stepped inside the room to find Cecilia curled up on her bed.

"Cecilia, we have to go," Nick pleaded. "The ship is under attack."

"I know," Cecilia whispered, her voice pained with tears.

"So we have to escape," Nick said.

"There's two thousand people on this ship. More than half won't make it out alive," she whispered, finally looking into Nick's dark eyes. "Those will be the lesser of the passengers. I've examined the lifeboats aboard, there's no way there'll be enough for my kind."

"What are you talking about?" Nick said, almost harshly. "Just because we may be the upper class doesn't mean----"

"Don't even deny it," Cecilia croaked out. "I don't have a fighting chance. You, on the other hand, can go up on the deck, get on a boat with your family and sail to safety. No one wants to hear about the peasant survivors. There'll be none."

In disbelief, Nick stepped towards Cecilia, when another explosion was heard, this time, sounding louder. "Go Nick," Cecilia said. "Save yourself. The boat will sink in a matter of minutes. I'm sure your family is wondering where you are and worrying about you. Go. Your family needs you."

"I need you," Nick whispered softly. "I need you. You're the only thing I need. If you refuse to leave, I am not leaving you."

"Don't be stupid."

"If I'm being stupid, what are you doing?"

"Being realistic!" Cecilia yelled. "There is no way I will make it out alive. Like this, they'll wait to put me on a boat until all of the upper class is safe. By that time, no boats will be left. I will be here, waiting for my time. The time that will never come. If you love me, you will listen to me. Go on the dock and get on a boat with your family and get away from here as far as possible. If you love me, you have to make sure that you are safe and I can die in relief."

"I love you with all of my heart Cecilia," Nick fell to his knees and took her hand.

"Then go," Cecilia pleaded. "Please, just, go." She tore her hand away from Nick's and curled up more. Nick looked down, fighting back his tears. He couldn't make a decision, but he had to make it quick. He could feel the ship falling with every second.

Could the love he had for her honor her wishes? Or could he act as a man and physically take her with him? Nick looked at Cecilia, her eyes pleading desperately. He knew that she was right. The upper class were first priority but he also knew that he could take her with him. But only if she agreed to come.

“I’ll give you some clothes to wear,” Nick started. “You’ll look as if you’re upper class and I can assure you that you will be able to get on a boat to safety. Please. Please Cecilia. I love you and I know you love me too. I need you to come with me.”

“No,” Cecilia said simply. “No. That’s final, Nicholas. Please, just go to safety.”

Nick knew that this was it. Cecilia was adamant about her decision and would not change her mind at all. So he looked down at the hand he held in his, kissed it softly, and left the room. On his way up to the deck, he fought away his tears and looked for his family.

“Nicholas Jerry,” his father scolded roughly, grabbing his son’s shoulders. “Where in the world were you?! We went to your room only to find Julia sobbing erratically and she told us that you left her. No man would ever abandon their wife in times like these. Especially in times like these! What was going through your mind, young man? How could you be so selfish?”

Nick looked around and saw that his mother and Julia were nowhere in sight. He only found Joe, Kevin, and Frankie along with his father. He breathed in relief when he saw that the boat in which Julia and his mother were in was already being lowered.

“Nicholas. Answer me,” Kevin Sr. pressed on. Nick had no words. He didn’t know how to reply to his obviously angry and disappointed father. He desperately wanted to tell him, or even his brothers, about his intense love for someone but even during the tragedy, he couldn’t see them being fair. Even as the commotion continued around them, the frenzy of people trying to get on a boat loud and hectic, Kevin Sr. continued.

“You aren’t a man and it will take a while for you to become one,” Kevin Sr. said with the obvious anger in his voice. “You just abandoned your wife and now you can’t even explain your answers. I am disappointed in you Nicholas. This was not how we raised you.”

“Father, just shut up,” Nick finally said, cracking under the pressure and not willing to take the abuse no longer. “Julia is not my wife nor did I want her to become my wife. Fine, I’m not a man and won’t become a man because I left the woman you forced me to be with but have you noticed that you haven’t forced neither Kevin nor Joseph onto a wife of their own? Why must I be the one who’s future is written out in stone by my parents? I do love Julia but not in a way that makes me want to marry her and have children with her. I want to go to college and become a doctor, not go to college and have a wife who just waits on me and does nothing else. I want a woman who has her own dreams and does what she can to make them come true. Not dreams about becoming a wife but dreams for herself.”

“And where would you find that?” Kevin Sr. said disgusted. “A woman’s job is to become a wife and mother and that’s it.”

“Yeah, well I did find that person and she’s who I went to when I heard of the emergency. I went to her because she’s the one I wanted to save the most or die with if we don’t make it. I love this girl whom I just met and I will love her more than I could ever force myself to love Julia. But she did not want to come with me because she knew that she would rather me be safe. She loves me enough to let me go and survive this,” Nick was almost shouting at his father. Nick thought about his last sentence and sighed. That was why she was so stern about her decision. Her love for him was stronger than he thought. She let him go.

“Was it the girl that joined us for dinner?” Kevin Sr. asked.

“Yes,” Nick replied. “Yes, her. I love her and I will do whatever I can to honor her wish and make it out of here alive. Just for her.”

“Well if you want to honor her wish, we should get on this boat now,” Joe said to his brothers and father. “Before more people find out about this boat. We might get bombarded with desperate people trying to survive.”

Nick looked around as his brothers and father, plus some of their upper class friends climbed into the boat. He saw a young girl with the same blonde hair color as Cecilia. The young girl was sitting alone, crying silently, with no one around her. Nick ran up to her and asked, “What’s your name, little girl? Are you alone?”

The girl only nodded her head, indicating that she was alone, and Nick just lifted her into his arms and helped her into the boat. He climbed in after her and wrapped his jacket around her little frame and tried to warm her up.

“What’s your name?” Nick asked again as the boat was being lowered. A blast came near them, sprinkling wood and glass over them. Nick covered the little girl, making sure that she would be safe.

“Cecilia,” the girl answered quietly. Nick’s heart stopped and he had to close his eyes to stop any tears. The little girl who looked like the woman she loved also shared her beautiful name. That moment, he promised himself and the little girl named Cecilia that he would take care of her no matter what.

+++

“Has there been a Cecilia Wilson?” Nick asked for the third time at the rescue dock where most of the Lusitania survivors went. It was three days after the disaster and several other boats made it on shore after their boats and it seemed that every time a man with a clipboard walked by, Nick asked him if Cecilia was there.

“No, not on my list sir,” the man replied. “But there are several lists going around. This Cecilia might be on their list.”

Nick thanked the man and sat down in sadness. He was sure that he had seen the other men with different lists and still, Cecilia Wilson was not on any list of survivors. Cecilia Hale, the ten year old that Nick saved, was sleeping beside him. Although he was glad that he was able to save someone, he wished that it was his Cecilia that climbed into the boat with him. Now, she could either be safe or in the water. Either way, Nick was unsure at the moment and that unsure feeling was killing him inside.

+++

A day later, cars and trains were available for those who needed to get home and the Jonas family was able to get their own car. Cecilia Hale was left orphaned as her parents weren’t on a list of survivors and Nick, who nicknamed her Lily as he couldn’t bear to call her Cecilia, planned to bring her home with his family and adopt her legally when he was of age.

For the last time, Nick went up to a man with a clipboard and asked if Cecilia Wilson was on the list. She wasn’t. And with a final thank you and goodbye, Nick Jonas went into the car and left the dock with his conscience shattered and his heart feeling as if it was attacked like the RMS Lusitania.