Rivers.

Dan stared over the harsh, frozen metal railings of the bridge into the black, haunted expanse of water running directly beneath his shoes. The choppy, unsettled water ebbed and flowed in the wide canal-like designated area, rather like Dan’s feelings and emotions had been over the past year; ebbing and flowing within the very walls of his being. The cruel black waves slammed into the walls of the canal, occasional droplets splashing over the tall walls and forming violently arranged puddles atop the walls.
Dan stared down into the black, unforgiving water and smiled knowingly. He couldn’t swim; anyone who counted themselves as his friend knew that. He pulled a few leaves from a nearby plant; it was a dying rose bush that had been growing beside the river for as long as Dan could remember. He stared down at the two crisp leaves in his fingertips, their natural colour distorted by the flickering streetlight way above his head. He took hold of one leaf by the stem and threw it into river below. He watched as its small brown shape drifted away with current. He lay the other leaf flat on the palm of his left hand. He closed his fingers around it and a strange sense of satisfaction built in him. He moved his hand so it was protruding over the side of the bridge. As his hand opened, he blew, so that the crumpled pieces of leaf scattered and fluttered down to meet their end in the icy river.
Dan zipped his hoodie up and buried his hands in the pockets. His fingers closed around a shiny piece of paper. He pulled it out and stared down at it.
It was a photograph of his brothers; Teddy and Ollie. It was taken last year, around five months before their deaths. Dan felt the tears build up as he remembered the day.
It was Teddy’s twenty-first birthday, and he’d gone to visit Ollie at university, and ended up bringing him back home with him. They’d been walking home from the train station together, and Teddy called Dan to get him to pick them both up. Dan could remember the call perfectly.
“Hello?”
“DANDY! Come pick us up would you?”
“Teds, I can’t, I’m helping Alex clear up after last night.”
“Aw, come on, it’s not even that far away!”
“More reason for you to walk it then.”
“Ugh. Fine.”
The call abruptly ended here, and Dan remembered complaining to Alex about his brother’s inability to drive. Dan stared down at the photograph, down at his brothers’ smiling faces. Soft sobs began to shake his tall, skinny frame, tears leaving harsh, hot tracks on his cheeks. He jerked his head upwards and stared into the night sky, viewing the stars through tear-filled ice blue eyes.
“If only I’d have known what would happen.” He wept, talking upwards “Teddy, Ollie, words can’t describe how sorry I am.” The soft weeping grew into enormous, hate-filled sobs.
Dan always blamed himself for his brothers’ death. If he’d gone and collected them, then he would’ve stopped the car at the barriers of the train track. But he didn’t. And they died. And Dan thought it was his fault entirely.
Dan hated himself for it, and no matter what anyone said or did, Dan never believed them. He returned the photograph to his pocket and climbed over the edge of the bridge, sitting on the thick frozen bar he’d been leaning on. He swung his feet aimlessly. Teddy had always loved the river.
There it was again. The guilt, the grief and the horrific memories of Ed trying to explain to him that Teddy and Ollie wouldn’t be coming home.
“Dan, what are you doing?” A voice in the darkness asked quietly. Dan whipped his head around and saw Ed step into the light. Dan flipped his gaze back, not wanting to make this any harder than it already was. He didn’t answer Ed’s question.
“Dan?” Ed asked softly, his footsteps echoing on the otherwise deserted bridge. He sat down beside his boyfriend and took hold of his freezing hand.
“Is this where you’ve been all night?” Ed inquired, staring over at his younger companion. Dan turned to face him and saw the tears in his afraid brown eyes. Dan nodded and stared up into sky again.
“What were you planning?” Ed choked out, tears beginning to touch his cheeks as he gazed blankly at the churning water below. Dan didn’t reply.
“I’m not that stupid Dan.” Ed continued, his voice wavering and cracking. He pushed up the sleeve of his boyfriend’s thin jumper and traced the scars on his wrists. Dan turned to him and placed a hand gently on his boyfriend’s tear dampened cheeks. He kissed Ed’s lips gently, savouring the memories. He slid off the bar gracefully, forgetting Ed was holding his hand tightly.
Dan dangled precariously from Ed’s hand, but he knew Ed wasn’t strong enough to hold him for long. Ed gawped over the bar at his boyfriend and immediately made an attempt to pull him back over. Dan shook his head violently, and Ed grabbed Dan’s wrist with his free hand.
“What would Ted and Ollie do if you carried on?” Ed shouted down, tears streaking his cheeks with every second. Dan let out a quiet whimper that Ed never heard. Ed backed up, pulling Dan with him. When Dan was in reach of the bar, he grabbed on with his spare hand and managed to get his feet firmly on dry land.
Ed raced over and threw his arms around him, sobbing gently into Dan’s chest.
“Never do that to me again.” Ed whimpered. Dan stroked his black hair and nodded.
“I just miss them so much, and living with guilt isn’t something I’ve taken to…” Dan glanced up at the stars yet again.
“You know it wasn’t your fault.” Ed reasoned, following Dan’s gaze and looking into the sky too.
“They’re up there somewhere.” Ed whispered, looking at Dan and then back at the sky. A single shooting star darted across the darkness and, several seconds later; it was followed by another, following the path left by the first. Dan smiled weakly as Ed’s grip shifted to his waist.
“I bet that was them, just now.” Ed whispered, looking up at Dan. He smiled down at his boyfriend and gently pressed his lips to Ed’s, still retaining the slight smile.
“You know, Ed, I think it was.”