Fat Dancer

The rest of that day went by like a blur.

I never would have thought something that day could hold would surprise me more than Matt saying “I wish we did have a baby together. You’re the only woman I want to have carry by baby,”

But something did surprise me. It changed everything in the bus.

After Matt left me he went to be with Val, we both knew what was going on was wrong but it didn't change anything.

For the first time since I've been here I felt bad for Val. After seeing how what Zacky did effected Mackenzie, I felt horrible. I was the skank in the relationship.

We had a show that night, and looking back at that show, we had no life during it. Not even fucking Zacky.

I sat down on the couch with a jar at peanut butter in a hand and a spoon in the other. I ate while watching 'Paris Hilton's My New BFF'. Stupid show if you ask me. Which they didn't, but who looks for someone who isn't looking for publicity while on T.V? Paris Hilton, I guess. The show ended an hour later with a girl named Desiree being eliminated because she didn't have enough style. Style, of all things, style.

I was slightly putting off going to see Kenzie because I know it would break me down. I could safely say that I could see her as my best friend. I did to Val what some random girl did to my potential best friend. Seeing her in pieces would make me imagine what Val would look like if she ever found out, and I'm not ready for that.

I folded the few clothes I had unpacked from my bag over and over again. Still stalling. Finally I dumped out my entire suitcase and organized it section by section. I color coded my shirts. Then separated then from tube top, to spaghetti strap, to short sleeve, to long. I changed out of my pajamas and into a pair of leopard print leggings and a plain brown strapless dress and slipped on a pair of brown heeled flip-flops. The process of getting the outfit out left my suitcase in a mess. So I dumped it out again, then organized it all over again.

My stalling had definitely passed time, yet I still didn't want to see the look on her face, the dried tears that would be apparent on her face, the mascara that would most likely still be smeared, and her once bright eyes would most likely be dull and sad.

I don't know if I can handle that. Seeing her a mess would kill me.

It was already three o'clock I had to be in our dressing room at the venue at five. No more stalling I had to go see her.

I walked out of my hotel room and saw Michelle the look on her face undeniably held sympathy. I walked up to her.

"How is she?" I asked quietly.

"I just left to get her some food, she hasn't ate, but since last night she hasn't spoken, she has been crying non-stop though." She explained sadly.

"I'm going to go che-ck on he-r." I said, my voice broke.

She just nodded, as I kept walking. I knocked first purely out of habit. I wished I hadn't as soon as I had.
Nothing in return.
I opened the door and walked in. She wasn't on the bed, and not on the small couch that sat in the corner of the rather large room. There was a nagging feeling in my heart, telling me something was wrong, as stupid as it sounds I followed it. God, I hoped I was wrong. If I was right it would crush everybody, everybody loved her.

Brian would of course would fall the hardest, she was his little sister. The tiny vulnerable little girl who would never hurt anyone on purpose, crushed. Brian was so protective who knew what he would do.

You could see it in Michelle's eyes that she saw Kenzie as a little sister already her and Brian may not be married but they were close enough to say that she loved Kenzie.

Matt would probably kill Zacky he was very protective over all of us girls, more so the ones who had been around the longest which incidentally included Kenzie.

Jimmy wouldn't know what to do with himself he was always the one to make any one of us laugh if we were upset, well unless it was something big.

Johnny would feel as helpless if not more than Jimmy he wasn't very close to her but we all knew he would do anything for any of us that was just the kind of person he was.

Val probably would laugh, but fuck her and her conceited ass.

Zacky. Zacky who knew how he would react if I was right then it would be his fault and he would know it of course. The past few hours Ive been trying to convince myself that Zacky is a good guy, just a bad drunk. I think he cares for her he just had a bit to much to drink. Yeah lets go with that.

I would be crushed lets just leave it at that.

I walked to the bathroom almost hysterical my breathing was almost as uneven as it would be if I was crying.

The door was wide open and what I saw sent me into shock. She was laying there hand clutching the toilet seat like her life depended on it, her eyes closed and strips of her matted, sweaty pink, brown, and white blond hair were pressed against her pale face.

My eyes moved lower, her shirt had spots of blood on it, oh my God. I took small steps toward her, scared almost. I saw her open her eyes slightly as I lifted her shirt. I gasped. She had scratched Fat into her upper stomach with what looked like a piece of glass from her compact mirror.

"Kenzie." I squeaked. She looked up. Her eyes grew wide as if she didn't see me before I said her name.

I heard the door to the hotel room open, Michelle showed up at the door seconds later. She can't go back to this. I didn't close the door. I looked behind me at Michelle her eyes were wide in shock.
I didn't realize I was crying until my eyes met the mirror and I had to take a double take at myself.

"The boys are back." She whispered still in shock, it sounded more like a warning than a notice.

"Take her and put her in the bed, while I clean up." I couldn't hold it in anymore as soon as she was gone with Kenzie. I gripped the toilet seat with both my hands and let in out I was disappointed in myself but I couldn't do it. Seeing Mackenzie like that threw me back, big time.

We couldn't be saved. We couldn't be saved, She couldn't be saved. She couldn't be saved. I couldn't be saved.

I couldn't be saved