Fat Dancer

You might wonder why if I’m so self conscious I am even doing the Scream dancing wearing next to nothing. I wonder that too. But when I dance it’s like I am someone else, I’m not Harlow anymore. It’s not like I have an alter-ego, but dancing is something I have always done, whenever I step out to dance everything goes away. Thoughts, nightmares, and people just seem to vanish without a trace. But one person that I couldn’t get to disappear was Matt.

Brian found a dance studio that wasn’t booked out when we had a stop over, so he booked it for me. This gave me a chance to relax, to be someone else for a few hours while everyone else was settling into the hotel rooms. There was an iPod docking station thing in the corner that was plugged into the speakers that were on the roof of every corner in the studio. Once my iPod was plugged in ‘Helena’ came on. This bought back the memories of being in that video clip, I was one of the girls dancing in front of the coffin and then again on the stairs. During that time I became close to Frank Iero, and had a brief relationship with him that didn’t last long. It was while he had a small break from his now wife, Jamia. We’ve still remained friends, and I’m also good friends with Jamia now, too.

I changed the song, and ‘Lacrymosa’ by Evanescence came on and while the introduction was going on I took my jumper off, leaving me in a black tank top, and shorts that didn’t even make it down to my knees. My mind was clear for the most part, improvisation was one of my better skills. I was able to choreograph songs as I was hearing them.

After an hour of dancing I was sweating, and decided I needed to get back to the hotel. Brian would worry otherwise. He’d taken a very fatherly role to me. Always making sure I’d eaten my meals, wouldn’t let me out of his site after I’d eaten for obvious reasons. As I stepped out of the studio, I pulled on my jumper, and started to drink some water from the bottle I’d bought with me. That’s when I saw someone familiar walking towards me.

“What do you want?” I asked, before Matt could even get close. “Because I’m not in the mood for a fight, I’m not in the mood for anything that could possibly involve-“

“What about sex? In a mood for that?” He asked, a smile forming on his face. I shook my head and started to go back into the studio. Any of the relaxation I had gained while dancing was gone and I could feel my blood pulsing through my veins. “Where are you going?” Matt wondered aloud.

“I was relaxed, Matt. Now I’m fucking stressed again,” I put my iPod back in, took my jumper off and shoes before I waiting for a song to come on. “Matt please just leave,” I could hear his footsteps against the floor, and then they became softer when he removed his shoes. Clearly he was ignoring me, and as ‘The Gift’ by Seether came on, I found his arms pulling me so I was facing him, then his right hand holding mine, and his left resting on my hip. “Matt…”

“This is one of my favourite songs. Can’t I dance with one of my favourite girls while I can?”

“Fine, but no funny business,” I warned. Laughing we started to dance together. Not at one point did our eyes loose contact with each other. His eyes were drawing me in, closer and closer our faces inched together before his lips pressed to mine in an innocent kiss. That was all it was. Innocent. Or as innocent as kissing a married man can be.

When the song stopped, we kept on dancing anyway. Until I realised it was close to seven pm, and I’d been here since noon. I pulled my jumper back on while Matt did his converse back up. We walked to get some dinner, knowing everyone else would have eaten by now, and most likely lounging around watching DVD’s and sleeping. It was a rare night off, no show, no dancing. This gave everyone the chance to be normal, or as normal as they all can be.

“Did you want McDonalds?” He asked, as we stood on what looked like the main road and looked at the dinner options.

“No,” Do you know how many calories that is?

“Okay, what about The Restaurant?” I looked to where his finger was pointed. It was literally called The Restaurant, which gave us no doubt it was a restaurant. It looked like it was all fancy an new; the walls were freshly painted and the floorboards were still shiny. But the staff looked like they’d been through hell; no rest for the wicked, I guess.

We were seated within a few minutes of arriving there, although neither of us was in nice clothes, and I most likely smelt like sweat, as did Matt. Matt opted for an outside table so he could smoke openly, and I’d be able to occasionally steal a puff from his cigarette. The dinner was nice, not so much the food, it was kinda gross, but Matt and I were able to talk like normal people. Whether, politics, music, movies and sport were the conversations.

“So what was your childhood like?” He asked, after we started to walk back to the hotel. It was a half an hour walk easily, so we made conversation to pass the time.

“Broken,” I muttered. “My Dad left us when I was little, and Mum just worked all the time. I have brothers, four of them, and they took the roll of raising me. As weird as it sounds; Xander would come to the Parent Teacher Nights, Zane checked my homework, Ryan drove me to Dance lessons, and Noah cooked,”

“What did your Mum do? Like for a living?” Matt wandered.

“She was a lawyer. So we always had enough money, but I wanted a mother more then money,” We got to a rather steep hill and sighed. I was tired. I’d been dancing all day, basically, and needed to sit. But Matt didn’t even appear to be phased by the size of the hill.

“It sounds like your brothers are very protective of you,” Matt smiled, to which I nodded and muttered a small ‘yeah, they are’. “So what other bands have you worked with? Apparently you had one of the impressive resumes,”

I took a mouthful of my water before speaking, “First it was back up dancing for Britney Spears, then I’d just kinda float around when I was needed. But My Chemical Romance, was one of the big ones,”

“Helena?”

“Yeah,”

When we got back to the hotel he wanted to see if he could spot me in the video, so on YouTube we went onto the video clip where we watched it until he spotted me.

“Your hair, it was black,” Matt chuckled. “You looked pretty,” I blushed and stood up from my bed where we were sitting, so I didn’t have to face him. I felt Matt’s hands creep up my back and his lips press to my neck and his hands travel down into my pants and rub my thighs.

“Matt,” I moaned. “Don’t,”

“I’ll stop if you say it like you mean it,”

Being the person I am, I give in to temptation easily. Maybe that’s how my weight got higher, I’d give into foods I wouldn’t need. Within minutes Matt and I were tearing clothes off each other. Minutes after that he was checking I was sure, which in guy terms are like asking ‘Hey are you a virgin? Because I’m not marrying you or anything,’ after I gave him the go ahead, he was pushing into me. Everyone says that the guy their fucking is big, but when I say it, I wasn’t kidding at all. He had to go slowly, it was the only way he could do it without causing me to cry, or bleed.

Once he was fully in, he waited until I nodded before he continued. The pain mixing with the pleasure was sending me into a state that I couldn’t explain. I reached my high, holding onto Matt’s shoulders hard and moaning his name; but he wasn’t done yet, I’d reached another orgasm before he got to his first, then pulled out of me when he was limp. He stayed on top of me, leaving innocent kisses on my lips every now and then before rolling onto his back and pulling me so I was lying on top.

He wanted to go again, I could tell by the look in his eyes and the way when I went to sit up and get dressed he held me so I was straddling him and he got a clear view of my chest.

“Matt, no, not again. I’m too tired. Isn’t sleeping with you once enough?” I asked, pulling out of his grip and pulling on some clean clothes. “I think it’d be best if you left,” I told him, facing away from him so he couldn’t see my tear stained face.

“Oh, okay…” Gathering his clothes together in silence, he dressed, and left, as I had requested. The door slamming was my que to break down on the floor and burst into tears completely.

I didn’t sleep that night; I just lay on the couch crying to myself. Hoping that he’d now leave me alone, and never expect me to be there for him to have sex with whenever it suited him.

I however managed to drift off to sleep around about 7am, and stayed that way until the afternoon when I decided I needed to take a walk. So I showered, and changed into some black jeans and a tunic like shirt that had a picture of Blondie on the front, and then slipped on some grey converse to go with the outfit. I sent Brian a text letting him know I was going for a walk and I’d see them all tonight.

“Can we talk, Harlow?” Matt hissed, pulling me by the arm into a room. He was ready for the show which was due to begin, and I was wearing a trench coat over my outfit, and my makeup was done. “About last night-“

“Don’t worry, I’m not telling anyone, I do have some pride to try to hang onto,” I hissed, pulling my arm from his vice like grip. His face changed, and he nodded, walking away from me. Brian passed me and smiled at me, I followed him to the dressing room for the dancers where his fiancé was laughing and chatting to the other dancers.

It was weird that two girls, twins, could look so alike, yet have completely different personalties and morals. As soon as Michelle saw me, I was being embraced in a hug and getting a kiss on the cheek.

“How was your dancing yesterday?” She asked, leading me to some spare couches. “I was going to come visit, but I dunno, thought it might be invasive?”

“It’s okay, I had a visitor anyway,” The door opened and the rest of Avenged Sevenfold walked in, something changed in me and I was determined to make Matt feel as low as I was. As he was sitting down near by the next sentence fell from my lips, “We talked, danced, then had some really bad sex. I’m pretty sure he has premature ejaculation,” I shrugged. Michelle burst out into laughter, and Matt’s face turned bright red with rage.

“Harlow, he probably just wanted the worst sexual experience of his life to end quicker, that’s all,” Michelle stopped laughing and glared at Matt as he said that. We continued to exchange words like that, bagging each other out, without anyone even knowing that we’d slept together. Then the guys were called out onto the stage, right before the dancers were about to go out someone pulled me back.

“You slept with Matthew didn’t you?” Michelle’s eyes were full of disappointment, Brian stood behind her, equally ashamed of me. But I couldn’t confess.

“Why would I sleep with a married man who has been nothing but a bastard to me? What kind of women do you think I am?” Dramatically I stormed off, to go with the other dancers. When really I just wanted to curl up in a corner and die.