Fat Dancer

I never planned on my life being the way it was. Infection spreads quickly from dirty razors, through your blood stream. Bed rest, antibiotics and lectures seemed to be the cure for the infection. Bed rest was insisted by Matt, it gave him easier access, but I'd never give him what he wanted, I always told him I felt like I was going to be sick. Antibiotics by the Doctor, nothing else would get rid of the infection. Lectures from Brian when he wasn't ignoring me, or plain pissed off.

I'd betrayed his trust, I was hurting someone who'd done nothing but support me and help me. Mackenzie seemed to be the only person who wasn't angry at me. She'd battles anorexia and bulimia for a while, and was now better. She gave me hope that one day I'll be the Harlow I used to be. The Harlow that wasn't afraid of food. That Harlow hasn't existed since my teenage years.

The day that I will always remember is August 27th, when I was seventeen. I'd auditioned for the school dance, the lead role as Sandy in the schools production of 'Greese'. Mrs Mathers was the co-ordinating the show, and was the one who was deciding who would be in it.

After I'd danced, I waited a few minutes while she thought about what she'd say to me. When she took her glasses of and set them down on the table she spoke, "Harlow," She started her voice flat, as always. "Have you ever seen the movie 'Greese'?" I nodded. "So you'd know that Sandy is, well, thin and attractive,"

"Um, yes," I answered, covering up my mid-drift with my arms.

"Well, why would you audition to be her then?" She said, sounding utterly confused. "I mean, you're not obese. But you're not thin enough, I'm sorry,"

I left that day with a new found obsession. I wanted to prove to her that I was thin enough. Within a few days I'd dropped several pounds. My brother, Noah, noticed my lack of eating habits. He forced me to eat dinner one night, but while he was cleaning the kitchen up I realised I could still rid myself of the calories.

Cutting didn't start until afterwards. My best friend told me about the 'emo kids who cut themselves to feel better'. She didn't know I was sick. She didn't know that when I got home I'd test that theory. She didn't know at all. But Noah did, he ran into the bathroom needing to use the toilet, so see me with cuts all over my upper thigh.

My brother forced me to fess up to it all. Telling my other brothers what I'd been doing was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. It make me cry, it made them cry, as well. They felt as though they'd let me down, by not saving me from my demons.

When I told Zane what had started it all, he sighed and kissed the top of my head, "Harlie, you're beautiful. Do not ever let someone make you feel otherwise,"

I promised my brother's I'd get better, for them. Mum never discovered what happened, she'd been working on a case for a suspected murderer. It was taking up all her time. Infact she'd even set up a small bed on the couch in her office.

Now here I am, laying in my bunk healing from cuts that have infected while trying to force myself to eat and keep down my food.

The curtain on my bunk was drawn back slightly, and Val stood there smirking, "Feeling any better?" I shook my head, I didn't feel like arguing. All the energy I had at the moment I was focusing on getting better. She chuckled a little, pulled the curtain shut and walked away.

During the night on a Thursday I got out of my bunk, and went outside. The cold air hit my face, and I felt alive for the first time in days. Wrapping my arms around myself I tried to protect my fragile body from the cold air. A blanket was draped over me from behind, and Zacky stepped beside me.

He and I had never really said much to one another. He was always helping out the technicians, his friends, Matt and Jason Berry. Those two guys were very kind, they never once gave me the look that everyone else seemed to.

"Warm enough?" Zacky asked, adjusting his beanie. Nodding I admired my frostie breath; I liked seeing stuff like that. "Harlow, I know we're not like best friends. But I am here for you, day or night,"

"Thanks,"

"It's just, I remember when I met Mackenzie. She was a lot like you; she was a teenager, though. Kids were always picking on her at school, and the way she delt with it was by not eating, sleeping, or being her anymore," I couldn't imagine Mackenzie like that, she was a such a cheerful girl. The light of the room. "Brian always knew something wasn't right, but he didn't want to know that his baby sister was sick. So he'd just follow her around the school subtly, making sure she was eating and whatnot. When he figured it out, it was too late. She was unconscious, lying in a puddle of her own blood,"

"What'd happened? If you don't me asking,"

"It's okay. She'd damaged her oesophagus, and it was punctured. She nearly died. But she got taken into hospital, and she got better," He explained, lighting up a cigarette and puffing at it. "Now she works with kids who have anorexia and things alike,"

"Is that why Brian is so, um, protective?" I asked, taking the offered cigarette and inhaling some. I wasn't an everyday smoker, just when I was offered.

"Yeah. He's so scared of something happening to you, and worried that he won't be there," I nodded and sighed. Brian reminded me of my brothers in so many ways, he was scared for his baby sister. He didn't want to let her demons get her.

"Zacky do you think I can get better?" He nodded and said a small 'yeah'. "Then why do I feel like I can't?"

“Because it’s part of your sickness, Harlow.”

In the morning I woke up, feeling different, feeling light headed, feeling sicker then usual. Stumbling out of my bunk, I went straight for the bathroom where I threw up, and started to cry as I felt pain in my abdomen. Croaking, I tried to call for help, for anyone. But nobody could hear me, and if they did they ignored my cries.

Suddenly the door flung open, to expose Matt. Without a second glance, he got down to my level, cradling my head in his lap, and whispering soothing things into my ear. He called Brian on his mobile, who rushed over to us before escorting me to a waiting ambulance. A familiar and unwelcomed feeling was experienced, that of blood exiting my body through my privet area. Another wave of pain in my abdomen, causing me to throw up from the pain experienced.

Matt came with me in the ambulance, as I was apparently clutching his hand tightly through the pain; he tried to help me calm down, to keep on breathing. By the time I arrived at the hospital Brian, Michelle, Mackenzie and Zacky were in the waiting room. Inside a room, an ultrasound revealed that I was miscarrying a child. Matt’s child. As well as having a reaction to the antibiotics, this explained the vomiting.

Matt stared at me, in shock, while I cried softly. He mouthed, ‘Mine?’ to which I nodded, and cringed as I felt a needle stab my arm, and a drip be attached to me at the elbow. Matt shook his head at me, left the room, and made an effort to slam the door shut. My crying was the only thing keeping me awake, blood loss was fatiguing me, yet I couldn’t bring myself to sleep.

Brian came in a few minutes after the last Doctor and Nurse excited, engulfing me in a firm hug, and telling me how sorry he was. There was a feeling radiating off of him, one that told me he knew that the baby was Matts. Apologies dribbled from my mouth, but he told me it was okay. I think he knew that Matt and I had always slept together. He knew that Matt was sleeping around although married; he knew this because Matt did try to sleep with his sister, who was still a virgin.

“Get some sleep, Harlow,” Brian said, kissing the top of my head. I lay back in the bed, and closed my eyes; welcoming the sleep that I was given.