Broken Glass and Bleeding Hearts

“So where have you been since New Years Eve?” Star asked as she leaned against her now closed locker two days later. School was official back in session, much to my disgust, and she was curious for answers.

“Around.” I grabbed my textbook and closed my locker door. I’d hoped that she would get rid of that look, but no luck. There she stood with her hands on her hips and one eyebrow raised.

“You know you can’t lie to me Ellie. What happened at the party?” I rolled my eyes and turned to walk away before she grabbed my wrist.

“Well what happened with you and Kellan?” I couldn’t help but laugh as her eyes first widened and then narrowed.

“I didn’t mean like that Ellie,” She pushed her hair behind her ears as I shook my head to prove that my hair was completely out of my way in the ever so easy pony tail. She rolled her eyes at me before continuing. “Its just I feel like there is something going on that I don’t know about. Something that you are hiding from me and something that even Zacky knows about.”

While I didn’t like hiding things from Star it had killed me to hide them from my mom. Still to this day she only knew half of what was happening. But I was in too deep now to just spill my guts. After all where would I even start now? “Um no. You’ve just been hanging out with your boyfriend too much.”

“Yeah, right. Whatever.” She grabbed her book and slammed her locker before leaving. I sighed and kicked myself in the ass again. Unfortunately I did have a small sliver of respect for Angelica, she was totally diabolical and was sneaky enough that no one knew. I hated her with every ounce of my being, that was the truth, but even I couldn’t deny that she was good.

“Just ignore it, she’s just in a bitchy mood.” Matt’s voice almost startled me. Almost. I’d grown so used to him sneaking up on me in the past months that it took a lot for him to completely scare me anymore. Besides I had bigger things to be scared of than the one person I knew would never hurt me.

“Yeah well unfortunately I have a feeling that the bitchy mood could stay a long time. She’s too out of what is going on with all of us the group and too involved in Kellan.” I started walking, knowing that the bell would soon ring.

“You do remember that your aunt’s wedding is Saturday right?” Matt asked, the sense of twisted satisfaction prominent in his voice. I snickered to myself, he was too pleased with himself that he would get to see me in that damned dress.

“Just shut up Matt.”

***

“No.” I slapped Jimmy’s hand away, again, drawing laughs from everyone else. I pulled my wrapped taco closer to me and glared at Jimmy. We’d decided on Taco Bell for lunch and he’d been trying to steal my food the whole time.

“Just one bite.” He pouted and Zacky practically bent over laughing. Brian looked away in an attempt to hide the fact that he too was laughing. Matt rolled his eyes and took another bite of his taco as Justin just sat there with no reaction.

“Jimmy eat your own damn food, I am starving.” He mirrored me and took a bite just as I did, narrowing his eyes in sync with me. I swallowed and then stuck me tongue out at him, which was yet again copied.

“Can’t you two just eat?” Justin asked completely annoyed with us. Zacky, Matt, and Brian just shot him strange glances as Jimmy proceeded to flip him off.

“Good God, have some fun Justin.” I just continued eating my food, unable to control the anger that was eating away at me. Neither him, Matt, nor I said another word during lunch. I had my plans to confront him after school. I had too much to deal with and I wasn’t going to let his shit add to it.

Later that afternoon as I walked out of my last class I realized how happy I was that I had drove that morning. Making it to his locker seconds before he was going to leave was pure luck. The look he gave me confirmed the suspicions I’d had for months. “What exactly is your problem with me? We used to be friends but now its like I’m some big burden that doesn’t belong with the guys and you.”

“That’s because you are Ellie. It was great when it was just us guys, with no chicks sitting there listening to everything that we say. In case you haven’t noticed we don’t need one sitting there to add to the conversation.” He slammed his locker shut and glared at me.

“Well guess what Justin, even though you have been with the guys for years I have known each and everyone of them longer than you have, and in-case you haven’t noticed they all seem incredibly happy that I’m back. You are going to have to learn to deal with the fact that I’m with Matt now, as more than just his best friend. So if your problem is that now its not all five of you talking about girls then you better get the hell over it.”

“I don’t care about that, I just don’t want you there anymore. Things have changed. If you were smart you would let them take their natural course and stop interfering with how they are supposed to be.” I took a step back and tried to hide any reaction.

“Screw you Justin.” My anger was still bubbling when I reached my car, not noticing Angelica standing there until I was standing before her. “That little trick on New Years eve was low and pathetic, even for dirt like you.” I spat directly to her face.

“Uh-huh, you were probably squirming all day the next day.” She just scoffed, causing me the sudden urge to slap or punch her.

“Why don’t you get a life you sad pathetic bitch?” I pushed her out of the way and opened my car door, tossing my book bag inside.

“Why don’t you just give up. I can offer him so much more, and I will show him what it is like to have everything. I’m not a little innocent little angel who is too stupid to see that she doesn’t stand a chance. You aren’t as pretty as me, you aren’t as smart, and you sure as hell don’t know how to hold onto him. So who is the pathetic wannabe now honey?”

The truth was she’d picked the wrong ass day to screw with me. My mood hadn’t been that great when I’d arrived at school this morning and the events of lunch and the afternoon hadn’t helped the situation any. Now she was going to stand here and call me names after all her little games. “Besides we all know what your father did to your mother. Its because he lost interest in her, just like Matt will lose interest in you. You didn’t think I just brought that up for no reason did you.”

Turning around I drew my fist back before slamming it into her nose, knowing instantly that it was broken. She staggered back, holding her bleeding nose, as I got into my car and started the engine. Not waiting to find out what she did next I drove off and headed for home.

I had known that my mom was working late so I didn’t bother to restrain from slamming the door behind myself. After tossing my backpack to the floor by the sofa I headed for the kitchen, it was around then when the phone rang. I looked at the caller-id and ignored it when I saw Star’s number.

As the water ran and slowly heated up I looked at the small amount of dried blood on my fist. When the water was hot I squirted some liquid soap into the palm of my hand and began washing the blood away. The phone rang once more before I returned to the living room, although I didn’t want to talk to her right now.

When homework just didn’t hold my attention long enough to keep my mind from wondering I just gave up. I finished my homework as I thought about the events of the last week. After finishing the God-awful load I shoved it all back into my backpack and plopped down on the sofa.

I needed to talk to someone that was all there was to it. I couldn’t talk to Star, she didn’t know anything and she had sort of pissed me off this morning. I didn’t want to dump anymore on Matt; he’d find out what I’d done soon enough as it was. Zacky had said something about playing detective again this afternoon, something I didn’t want to accompany him on today. Brian and Jimmy would probably be a packaged deal and by now they could even be at the spot. Well that lowered out all my friends.

My mom was still at work and I didn’t feel like filling her in on every last detail right now as it was. My aunt would either be at work or doing something in preparation for her wedding, she‘d be less likely to ask the questions my mom would. I could always try for Matt’s parents but that would mean that I’d most likely have to tell Matt the new revelations today as well.

With a sigh I reached for the television remote. As usual there wasn’t really anything on to watch, except for a bad science fiction movie on the syfy channel but making fun of them for the hell of it was a Matt and I together thing. “Hey the Flintstones!” Settling on the cartoon I replaced the remote on the table and went to get myself a soda.

I was halfway through watching the second episode when the phone rang yet again. The only reason that I even bothered looking at the caller-id was because I thought it might be my mom. The second I saw who it was I sat the phone down again and let the answering machine pick up.

For once the silence other the noise coming from the television was getting to me. In ways I just wanted to go find one of my friends and explain everything that had happened. Then when I thought about it I realized that more than anything I just wanted to stay in the living room and watch the damn cartoons.

“I suck at life.” I mumbled as the commercial came on. Maybe the guys were right, maybe I should try and control my anger. It was around then when I started laughing about the whole anger management thing.

Granted I could only watch cartoons along for so long, especially when I felt the strange urge to talk. When the phone rang yet again I answered it. “My God, finally! I thought that you died!”

“Calm down Star, I just didn’t want to talk to you.” I rolled onto my side and flipped through the channels again, settling on the music channel.

“And why didn’t you want to talk to me?” I could hear the slight ting of anger in her voice.

“Because you basically got pissed off at me this morning over the entire Kellan thing. That and I just didn’t feel like talking alright?”

“What is wrong with you? Its like you are so pissed at the world today. Especially after lunch. So are you going to tell me what is going on?”

“Nope I’d rather not. I answered the phone so we could just talk about something other than life okay?” For a moment she went completely silent.

“Talk about something other than life? Is that even possible?”

“We’ll make it possible,” I started laughing, knowing how completely ridiculous that sounded. “I just can’t take talking about all of the bullshit going on.”

“Alright then you aren’t going to tell me what is going on? No. Alright fine. Now is Matt going to be your date for your aunts wedding?” There was the sound of sick enjoyment laced in her tone of voice.

“Yes and before you ask he is going to see me in that damned god-awful dress.” I groaned internally just thinking about it.

“I wanna see you in it too!”

“No, no and no. Stop whining.”

“I have to go, talk to you tomorrow.”

“Ugh fine, bye.” After hanging up with Star I tried to watch TV again, but it just didn’t hold my interest. When the ceiling wasn’t what I felt like staring at I rolled onto my other side and closed my eyes.

I should have been content to tell Matt and all the guys that I had broken Angelica’s nose, I should have jumped on the chance to tell everyone all about it. But after keeping that bottled up for so long the release made me feel so relaxed that I felt tired. Without bothering to roll over, I reached behind my back to grab the remote. I turned off the TV and turned the stereo on, smiling in content when Metallica filled the room.

It didn’t take long for me to fall asleep, but unfortunately it was still plagued with dreams. At first it seemed like the normal nightmares that I had grown used to; dark place, the sound of dripping water, heavy breathing, but then it all just stopped. Abruptly I was out of the familiar and haunting dream place and I was at the park.

It was dark outside but there were 6 young teenagers determined to have a good time on the play equipment they had long ago out grown. Staring at them in wonder I couldn’t help much that reminded me of something the guys, Star, and I had done. It was somewhere around then when recognition floated through my mind; that was us.

As the scene played out in front of me I remembered that night clearly. It had been a Friday night towards the end of eighth grade and we had decided to go terrorize the playground one last time. Zacky had claimed the slide, Star and I had claimed the swings, Jimmy and Matt had claimed the merry-go-round, and Brian just joined who ever he wanted to.
Staring at the 13 year old versions of us I couldn’t help by be shocked by how much we had changed. I’d noticed how much the guys had grown in the time when we weren’t hanging out, but before that I didn’t. Star’s changes didn’t seem all that drastic to me either, since after all these were the people I’d spent almost every day with. My own changes, however, we painfully pointed out to me by the school pictures my mom kept in the living room.

“Ellie, join us!” Jimmy yelled as her and Matt spun around in circles, causing me to laugh at them. When I made no effort of stopping the swing to join them they both got a look of sheer determination on their faces. “Fine then, we’ll do this the hard way. I’ll stop the swing and you grab her.”

As the scene changed to them running towards me everything suddenly went black. When my sight cleared at last I didn’t see Matt and Jimmy towards me; instead it was Angelica. Jumping out of her way I watched as she spun around and followed me. So it was another one of those dreams.

Lately the nightmares had changed from always being in the dark to always being in the light enough so that I could see. On occasion I’d miss the ones where I couldn’t see, sometimes I preferred living in the horror of not knowing. After all if I was going to have the same nightmares couldn’t they at least be changed up a bit now and then to keep them interesting? Or was that too much to ask?

When the scene changed again I was to the point of trying to wake myself up. I was dreaming of the time that Angelica had brought up the topic of my estranged father. Even as I fought to wake up, return to reality, I could feel that one feeling that I’d lived with my entire life. That horrible feeling that something was missing.

As it went dark again I began hyperventilating, not only in the dream but as I slept. As the room lit again I could see the faces of everyone who I didn’t want to see. Everyone I didn’t need to see. I was trapped there with all of them, unable to run away or even wake myself from my slumber.

When I finally broke through the wall and returned to the real world I sprang up into a sitting position, gasping for air. I silently thanked God that there was a glass of water sitting on the coffee table; I needed a drink of it. I could feel the rawness of my own throat, I’d either been gasping so hard that I’d made it dry or I’d been screaming. I guess I’d never know.

Feeling worse than I had in weeks I lay back on the sofa again, debating if I should call Matt. I knew that with as weak as I was that I’d need blood soon, and he was the only one that I would tell that to. Until that point I hadn’t even realized that I was shaking.

Just as I was about to fall asleep again there was a knock at the door. I gasped when I opened it, seeing the last person I expected to see standing there.