Broken Glass and Bleeding Hearts

I was in the middle of one of my rants about how much Matt was pissing me off, how much I missed him, and how in the hell had I not noticed how amazingly hot he was when my aunt Angie burst in the front door with the news.

“I swear I can’t believe him! He will not talk to me and yet he doesn’t want me to hate him! Then today he passes me a note asking if I’m feeling any different in homeroom. I mean he hasn’t said one word to me since that night at taco bell and that was a week and a half ago! He just uh!” I ranted as I sliced the lettuce.

“Didn’t he say that he had to. Sweetie maybe there is something that you don’t know about that he can’t tell you.” My mom suggested from he spot on the other side of the kitchen where she was making the ravioli.

“Mom, we used to tell each other everything. I mean when he would ask why I was so grumpy and tired one a month I would tell him why. And he is a guy. Nothing can be worse than saying the word period to a guy.” I cringed slightly thinking about how I really wished that would have never happened. Especially now.

“I’m just saying. I’m sure he has his reasons.”

“Who’s side are you on anyway?” I sat the knife down and spun around to look at my mom.

“I don’t pick sides.” She said over her shoulder with a smile.

“You know something that I don’t.” I crossed my arms and lifted one eyebrow at her.

“And if I do?”

“It’s not fair to keep secrets.”

“Well I know lots of things. Like I know that you like Matt as more than a friend.” I quickly spun around to avoid this. It couldn’t be that obvious could it? Star would have pointed it out. She points everything out. What if she was just being nice? Oh crap.

“Well I mean I’m not going to deny how amazingly gorgeous he is.” I started figuring I might as well spill. My mom cleared her throat which made me spill. “Okay yeah, I like him okay! But who wouldn’t? He is the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever laid eyes on and I think any girl would agree.” I slapped my hand over my mouth after I realized that I spilled everything.

That is when my aunt’s news saved me from anymore questions. The door swung open as she used her copy of the key to the front door, ran into the kitchen, squealed and scram “I’m getting married!”

“Wow, nice way to break the news.” My moms said as she hugged her little sister.

“Congrats Aunt Angie.”

“You don’t sound too happy.”

“Matt is getting on my last nerve. That’s all.”

“Isn’t he your best friend other than Star?”

“Former best friend.”

“Fight?”

“He says that they are telling him we can’t be friends right now.” Her expression changed as soon as I said that.

“Maybe he has his reasons then.”

“Everyone take his side.” I went back to chopping the lettuce, except I was more aggressive this time around. My mom and aunt were talking when the phone rang, so I went to get it. “Hello?” I asked into the phone.

“Uh hey Ellie.” I sat down on the couch and took a deep breath.

“Why are you calling me Matt?”

“To talk.”

“Ha ha, very funny. You haven’t talked to me since that day at Taco Bell. Why now?”

“I told you that day. I miss you El.”

“Sure you do. If you actually missed me then you wouldn’t let anyone tell you what do to. You aren’t that kind of guy Matt. You don’t let anyone tell you want to do.”

“It’s complicated.”

“It can’t be that complicated!” I couldn’t help but thinking about how much I loved the sound of his voice.

“Damn it Ellie I can’t believe that I thought you would ever understand this! I can’t believe that I am even doing this.”

“Well then don’t waste your time.” I hit end and slammed the phone down on the table.

I heard nothing from the kitchen, so I knew my mom and aunt were listening to what I was saying. I didn’t blame them, I had been yelling at Matt. I did feel bad, but it was for yelling at him, for how much I missed him, for everything. “I hung up.” I called to them and they began talking again.

I just sat on the couch with my elbows on my legs and my head in my hands. I thought about calling him back so we could talk, so I could apologize for yelling at him. But then I remembered he was the one ignoring me. So why should I worry about making things better? I couldn’t anyway. It was up to him. Then there was a knock on the door. It had only been a few minutes since I’d slammed the phone down.

I stood up and walked over to the door to open it. It was probably a delivery or a friend of my mom’s or somebody. I turned the knob and pulled the door back, and there he stood. Looking more gorgeous than anyone ever should. It took a second for me to remember how to breath. “W-what are you doing here?” I asked him in a quiet voice.

“You hung up on me remember? I didn’t think you’d answer if I called back. Damn caller-id.” He answered with a shrug as he looked out towards the street. I could see it in his eyes that something was hurting him, which I knew was why he wasn’t looking at me.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I don’t understand. I’m sorry that I’m not trustworthy enough for you to tell me anything. I’m sorry that I’m not good enough to be your best friend anymore. I’m sorry for everything.” I forced out.

“So am I. But you are wrong.”

“Wrong about what?”

“You are trustworthy enough. You are too good to be my best friend. I treat you like shit and you don’t hate me. And most of all I know you would be able to understand, in time. Right now there is too much that I can’t tell you.”

“Why?”

“Because I can’t.”

“That is proof that you don’t believe what you just said. Because if you did then you would tell me what you are talking about. So don’t waste your time lying to me."

“You think that I’m lying to you? You think I don’t mean what I say?” He turned to looked at me now, and his eyes met mine.

“Yes, and yes.”

“Ellie you will always be the one person that I’m always going to want around me. You will always be my best friend. I thought you would know that.”

“Then why are you doing this?”

“Because I have to!”

“Why? Why do you have to act like I don’t exists?! Matt we have known each other since we were in diapers. How can you say that you have to do this?”

“I have to Ellie. If I didn’t then trust me, I wouldn’t.”

“That is a pile of bullshit.”

“I can’t be around you.”

“What?”

“I cannot be around you anymore. Not for a while.”

“Let me guess that is too complicated for me to understand too?” He sighed and looked away from me again. I wanted to do so many things, and the hardest pull was to just tell him that I didn’t hate him, and I would be right there when whatever was happening was over. I could tell he was in pain, but so was I. And I didn’t deserve to be ignored that then just act like nothing.

“I don’t want you to get hurt.” He finally whispered.

“Excuse me?”

“Damn it Ellie! I can’t be around you! I don’t want you to get hurt! I care about you way to much!”

“What is going to hurt me?! I can take care of myself. You of all people know that.”

“I will not put you in that danger. I won’t. You can hate me for it, but I won’t do it! I’m not going to be the reason you get hurt!” He put his hands on my shoulders and looked straight into my eyes. “I won’t do that to you. I won’t.”

“You know what then,” I pulled myself away from his touch to allow myself to think clearly. “Maybe I don’t want to be around you. I can take care of myself. I don’t need anyone to protect me. And maybe I do hate you for this. So just get the hell away from me okay Matthew? Enough is enough. I hate you. There, leave.” I could see the hurt in his eyes as he took a step back. There was a lump in the back of my throat that was threatening to ruin my strength and my lie.

“Fine.” Matt turned and walked away from the door and towards his truck. I watched until the first tear fell. Then I slammed the door and ran up to my room to let it all out. There was a picture frame that held a picture of us from the beginning of the summer that Star had took. I picked up the frame and threw it against the wall in the bathroom. The glass shattered and fell to the floor just as the tears fell unstoppably from my eyes.

“Sweetie open up.” My mom knocked.

“Go away! I want to be alone!” I fell on my bed and hid my face in the pillow, and for the first time since August I let my real feelings come out. I even hated myself for what I had just said to Matt, and I wished with everything that I had that I could change things.

I got up after the tears had finally slowed and walked into my bathroom and picked the picture up from the glass of glass and looked at it. My fingers traced over Matt. “I’m sorry.” I whispered to the picture.