Broken Glass and Bleeding Hearts
Chapter Four
I pretty much walked around numb for the next few days. I didn’t feel anything, and I couldn’t even look at Matt. Star had tried everything, but nothing worked. I honestly felt dead, and it was because I refused to go apologize to Matt.
“Maybe he really does have his reasons.” Star finally sighed after Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday of my numbness.
“I can’t take it anymore.” I whispered looking down.
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t take it anymore! It hurts too much.” I refused to look up.
“Then just go talk to him.”
“I can’t.”
“Well you can’t just walk around like this forever. Hey Zack.” I looked up to see Zack standing in front of me.
“Hey Zacky.” I told him.
“Wow, Ellie you look like you are hurting.”
“I am.”
“If it makes you feel any better so is Matt. He misses you.”
“Please don’t. Did he send you?”
“No. You told him you didn’t want to be around him. He won’t bother you after that. I came because I can see what you too can’t.”
“Let me guess, I’m the one who is wrong?”
“No. Both of you are. You two just can’t see it. He isn’t lying to you Ellie. He knows you can take care of yourself, but not from this. I can’t tell you what it is, but you will find out. And until then he will stay away from you. He is protecting you from him.”
“Protecting me from him?”
“He is dangerous right now. Especially to you. He isn’t to us guys, which is why he hangs out with us. He really does miss you.”
“How is he dangerous?”
“It’s not by choice. You will find out. But don’t hate him. This is killing him enough. I’m asking this as a friend to both of you. Don’t make this any harder on him than it has to be. He is trying to make this as easy on you as he can.”
“Does he hate me now?”
“No. He won’t ever hate you. Just think about forgiving him okay?”
“Okay.”
“So you going to give him a break?” Star asked after Zacky walked away.
“Probably. I know his parents and my mom are going to dinner tonight so I think I’ll go talk to him. Try and sort some stuff out.”
So that night after my mom left to meet Matt’s parents, I walked to his house. We only live like a block away from each other so it was a short walk. I did end up standing at the door for a while before I got the courage to knock.
“I’m coming!” I heard Matt’s voice from inside the house. I took a deep breath as I waited. I knew this would be awkward. Then the door opened, and there he stood. His hair was still wet which told me he had just got out of the shower and he was still pulling his tee shirt down. “Oh, uh, hey Ellie.” He mumbled, openly shocked.
“Do you have a minute?” I asked.
“If you mean if I’m doing anything tonight, then yes because I’m not. If you mean do I have a minute to talk then yeah, of course I do. Come on in.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
“Okay.” We ended up sitting on the couch, neither of us looking at one another. “Well I do have a reason for coming over, and it’s not just to bug you because I’m sure that you don’t want me here.”
“Ellie I do want you here.”
“After what I told you?”
“Well I’ll be honest, it did hurt. But it doesn’t change anything.”
“I’m sorry Matt. I didn’t mean it. I’m just tired of getting hurt by being pushed away.”
“It’s hurting you?”
“What do you think?” A silence fell over us and heard Matt cussing under his breath, but I couldn’t tell about what.
“Ellie I’m so sorry. I don’t want this to hurt you.” At this moment I realized that I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
“But it is Matt! I miss you. I miss you more than you even know! I don’t get it! And how can you be dangerous to me?”
“It’s a long story about that. I really don’t want this, but I don’t have a choice. I wish I could explain it, but I can’t. You wouldn’t believe me.”
“Yes I would. You can explain. Please explain.”
“I can’t.”
“Then maybe I should just go, at least until you can tell me everything.” I hadn’t realized that the tears were slipping from my eyes as I stood up to walk out of the house for now. But everything about the next few seconds seemed to blur together. One second I was about to leave and two seconds later I was in the one place that I had been dreaming about. In Matt’s arms.
“Please don’t go. Please Ellie, don’t go. Not yet.” Matt told me as his arms tightened around me.
“What? Matt what are you doing?”
“I don’t. I shouldn’t be doing this, but I can’t let you walk out that door right now. I’m tired of them telling me what to do. I’d never hurt you. How could I? You are my best friend.”
“Who is this they?”
“I can’t tell you that. But I can promise you one thing, if you can live a few more months like this then you will know everything.”
“But why?”
“It’s a long story. Trust me.” As much as I wanted to make him tell me everything this was the first time I’d really felt close to him since his 16th birthday. And I couldn’t ruin this. So I’d wait and push the subject another time and just enjoy what ever was going on at the moment.
“So at least for tonight can things be normal?”
“Yeah. You wanna watch some t.v. or hang out in my room?”
“I don’t care, what ever you want to do.”
“Does some t.v. sound good?”
“Yeah.” So we watched t.v. for an hour and a half and yet neither of us knew what we were watching. Some reality show that we just bitched about how unrealistic it was through three episodes. For the first time since his birthday things seemed right between us. But I knew it couldn’t last.
“Well I guess I should be going home.” I sighed looking at the clock. Matt’s sigh echoed mine as I stood up.
“I’m sorry Ellie.”
“Things will be right again someday.”
“I’ll give you a ride home.”
“Really I can walk Matt, we used to do it all the time. I still do actually.” He laughed and reached for his keys.
“I wasn’t asking Ellie. I was informing.”
“I don’t have a choice then?”
“Not really.”
The drive back to my house was pretty silent, and was mostly filled with the sound of our breathing. We even just sat there for a second without talking, so I finally decided to break the silence. “Well give me a call sometime okay?”
“Okay, I will. I’m sorry Ellie-bear.” I smiled as he used the nickname he’d given me when he discovered I named my two favorite teddy bears when we were six. He’d never let me forget it either.
“Just talk to me sometimes okay? And a smile now and then would be nice. I miss you.”
“I miss you too. It will be over soon, I promise. Just a few more months.”
“Why are you dangerous to me?”
“It’s a long story and I can’t explain just yet. But when we are around each other don’t be afraid. Once in a while won’t hurt. I can’t hurt you.” He leaned over and have me one final hug and I hugged him back.
“I’ll see you around.”
“Bye.” Matt didn’t drive off until I was already inside the house. That is when it hit me, something major was happening and I didn’t know what it was. Matt was dropping me clues and hints, I just needed to link them together. But whatever was happening with him would probably start happening with me if that is what he was talking about.
And even with my realization I couldn’t push away the feeling of happiness and relief. He was still one of my best friends, things were just a little twisted up for now. So with my happiness and relief I went up to my room to call Star and talk on the phone for two hours.
“Maybe he really does have his reasons.” Star finally sighed after Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday of my numbness.
“I can’t take it anymore.” I whispered looking down.
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t take it anymore! It hurts too much.” I refused to look up.
“Then just go talk to him.”
“I can’t.”
“Well you can’t just walk around like this forever. Hey Zack.” I looked up to see Zack standing in front of me.
“Hey Zacky.” I told him.
“Wow, Ellie you look like you are hurting.”
“I am.”
“If it makes you feel any better so is Matt. He misses you.”
“Please don’t. Did he send you?”
“No. You told him you didn’t want to be around him. He won’t bother you after that. I came because I can see what you too can’t.”
“Let me guess, I’m the one who is wrong?”
“No. Both of you are. You two just can’t see it. He isn’t lying to you Ellie. He knows you can take care of yourself, but not from this. I can’t tell you what it is, but you will find out. And until then he will stay away from you. He is protecting you from him.”
“Protecting me from him?”
“He is dangerous right now. Especially to you. He isn’t to us guys, which is why he hangs out with us. He really does miss you.”
“How is he dangerous?”
“It’s not by choice. You will find out. But don’t hate him. This is killing him enough. I’m asking this as a friend to both of you. Don’t make this any harder on him than it has to be. He is trying to make this as easy on you as he can.”
“Does he hate me now?”
“No. He won’t ever hate you. Just think about forgiving him okay?”
“Okay.”
“So you going to give him a break?” Star asked after Zacky walked away.
“Probably. I know his parents and my mom are going to dinner tonight so I think I’ll go talk to him. Try and sort some stuff out.”
So that night after my mom left to meet Matt’s parents, I walked to his house. We only live like a block away from each other so it was a short walk. I did end up standing at the door for a while before I got the courage to knock.
“I’m coming!” I heard Matt’s voice from inside the house. I took a deep breath as I waited. I knew this would be awkward. Then the door opened, and there he stood. His hair was still wet which told me he had just got out of the shower and he was still pulling his tee shirt down. “Oh, uh, hey Ellie.” He mumbled, openly shocked.
“Do you have a minute?” I asked.
“If you mean if I’m doing anything tonight, then yes because I’m not. If you mean do I have a minute to talk then yeah, of course I do. Come on in.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
“Okay.” We ended up sitting on the couch, neither of us looking at one another. “Well I do have a reason for coming over, and it’s not just to bug you because I’m sure that you don’t want me here.”
“Ellie I do want you here.”
“After what I told you?”
“Well I’ll be honest, it did hurt. But it doesn’t change anything.”
“I’m sorry Matt. I didn’t mean it. I’m just tired of getting hurt by being pushed away.”
“It’s hurting you?”
“What do you think?” A silence fell over us and heard Matt cussing under his breath, but I couldn’t tell about what.
“Ellie I’m so sorry. I don’t want this to hurt you.” At this moment I realized that I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
“But it is Matt! I miss you. I miss you more than you even know! I don’t get it! And how can you be dangerous to me?”
“It’s a long story about that. I really don’t want this, but I don’t have a choice. I wish I could explain it, but I can’t. You wouldn’t believe me.”
“Yes I would. You can explain. Please explain.”
“I can’t.”
“Then maybe I should just go, at least until you can tell me everything.” I hadn’t realized that the tears were slipping from my eyes as I stood up to walk out of the house for now. But everything about the next few seconds seemed to blur together. One second I was about to leave and two seconds later I was in the one place that I had been dreaming about. In Matt’s arms.
“Please don’t go. Please Ellie, don’t go. Not yet.” Matt told me as his arms tightened around me.
“What? Matt what are you doing?”
“I don’t. I shouldn’t be doing this, but I can’t let you walk out that door right now. I’m tired of them telling me what to do. I’d never hurt you. How could I? You are my best friend.”
“Who is this they?”
“I can’t tell you that. But I can promise you one thing, if you can live a few more months like this then you will know everything.”
“But why?”
“It’s a long story. Trust me.” As much as I wanted to make him tell me everything this was the first time I’d really felt close to him since his 16th birthday. And I couldn’t ruin this. So I’d wait and push the subject another time and just enjoy what ever was going on at the moment.
“So at least for tonight can things be normal?”
“Yeah. You wanna watch some t.v. or hang out in my room?”
“I don’t care, what ever you want to do.”
“Does some t.v. sound good?”
“Yeah.” So we watched t.v. for an hour and a half and yet neither of us knew what we were watching. Some reality show that we just bitched about how unrealistic it was through three episodes. For the first time since his birthday things seemed right between us. But I knew it couldn’t last.
“Well I guess I should be going home.” I sighed looking at the clock. Matt’s sigh echoed mine as I stood up.
“I’m sorry Ellie.”
“Things will be right again someday.”
“I’ll give you a ride home.”
“Really I can walk Matt, we used to do it all the time. I still do actually.” He laughed and reached for his keys.
“I wasn’t asking Ellie. I was informing.”
“I don’t have a choice then?”
“Not really.”
The drive back to my house was pretty silent, and was mostly filled with the sound of our breathing. We even just sat there for a second without talking, so I finally decided to break the silence. “Well give me a call sometime okay?”
“Okay, I will. I’m sorry Ellie-bear.” I smiled as he used the nickname he’d given me when he discovered I named my two favorite teddy bears when we were six. He’d never let me forget it either.
“Just talk to me sometimes okay? And a smile now and then would be nice. I miss you.”
“I miss you too. It will be over soon, I promise. Just a few more months.”
“Why are you dangerous to me?”
“It’s a long story and I can’t explain just yet. But when we are around each other don’t be afraid. Once in a while won’t hurt. I can’t hurt you.” He leaned over and have me one final hug and I hugged him back.
“I’ll see you around.”
“Bye.” Matt didn’t drive off until I was already inside the house. That is when it hit me, something major was happening and I didn’t know what it was. Matt was dropping me clues and hints, I just needed to link them together. But whatever was happening with him would probably start happening with me if that is what he was talking about.
And even with my realization I couldn’t push away the feeling of happiness and relief. He was still one of my best friends, things were just a little twisted up for now. So with my happiness and relief I went up to my room to call Star and talk on the phone for two hours.