Reverie

For the past week my thoughts had been more clouded than usual. There was an interference that I couldn't shake, not even when in the arms of Toby or in the depths of sleep. Something that was haunting me, almost, and filling my dreams. I could feel it, but I couldn't see it; couldn't touch it. I couldn't make sense of it, but this presence left my mind spiraling off into it's own circles more and more each day.

I had always been a daydreamer. Always. I was known for ignoring large chunks of conversation, simply for over thinking what had been said previously and it leading into somewhere new. However, this week I couldn't focus on anything, and every time I ended up on the same endless darkness, with something distinctly blue glaring out at me. Yet I couldn't grasp it, couldn't focus in on it, and could barely see it. But that's how it felt; an odd clear blue shade much like ice, producing the strange cold shiver that would run down my spine the moment I tried to see.

I didn't understand.

I groaned quietly to myself, running my fingers through my slightly wavy hair, to push it off of my face. It had rained earlier this morning on my way to work, and my natural curls were starting to show. The rain hadn't just taken it's toll on my appearance, but also on Bauhaus Coffee House. It was less bustling and lively than usual, today, myself and only a couple of others sitting inside the quiet shop. The grey skies overheard threatened to break at any moment, so I wasn't too surprised that the regulars didn't feel like leaving their homes or offices this afternoon.

My eyes continued to move across the last issue of our magazine, fingers tapping on the hot china of my coffee mug beside it. I usually despised reading our own material over again after seeing it so many times, but there was a small music section in last weeks that was based on the favourite albums of the staff. Apparently it was going to become a regular thing, as that type of information was what the readers of Bridgend wanted. I begged to differ, but it was interesting to see the ranging music tastes of the people I worked around yet barely knew.

The bell above the door chimed as a customer entered, a cold draught flowing through the warm air for a moment. I finished reading the short review on some extraordinary Jazz band I had never heard of before, and then glanced up towards the counter curiously for a second. I paused as I looked over the man who I had seen in here at the very same time on Monday afternoon - the one who had confronted Brenda on my behalf. He looked a little more intimidating today, a black leather jacket sporting his body to keep out the cold weather, and I was half thankful that I hadn't seen my neighbour in here as she would more than likely make a snide comment. I smiled faintly to myself before turning back to the magazine, distantly hearing the man's low tone as he made his order.

I took a sip of my coffee, just as I swore I could feel the room temperature drop a couple of degrees, my body shivering for a second. My eyes rose to rest on the windows in curiosity, to have my suspicions confirmed as I saw large raindrops starting to fall on the pavement outside, a distant rumble moving through the skies. I watched in slight amusement as people started walking faster, some even running, as the rain started to thunder down without further warning, umbrellas and anything else that was to hand going up over peoples heads. The only thought in my mind as I turned back to the magazine was the hope that this shower would be over before I had to head back to the office.

"Excuse me?"

My eyes turned back up to follow the soft voice, realising that the man from the counter was standing a little way off from my table perched beside the window. There was small smile tugging at his lips, but it was only returned with my blank, slightly confused expression. I was waiting for him to ask me a question, maybe what the time was, or if he could borrow a chair. Neither of those held up, however; there was a clock on the wall above the counter, and the room was still very much sparse of customers. In that split second of awkward silence, I couldn't think of another reason.

"I, uhm," he started, appearing unsure of himself. He bowed his head to the ground for a moment, rubbing at the back of his neck before he glanced up, eyes meeting cautiously with mine. "Seph?" he asked slowly, drawing out the word carefully as it left his lips.

It took a moment for the single word to process in my head, but the moment it did a strange landslide of feelings collapsed through me. My expression turned from shock into a hard frown, before falling once again into an emotionless stare. I snapped out of that just as quickly, too, my forearms resting on the table as I leaned forward slightly, eyes critically examining the mans face. His smile had grown into one that was unmistakable, and it was then that the crystal blue eyes that had been plaguing my subconscious made sense to me. It was all a memory.

"Matt?" I breathed softly to myself, my expression blank again as my eyes continued to explore his face critically. No matter how much I think I tried to deny it, my memory couldn't serve me that badly. That smile couldn't lie, either.

"Oh my God," I whispered as I covered my mouth with my hand, sitting back on the chair. "Matt," I said more clearly this time, the name seeming foreign on my tongue.

He inclined his head, taking a few steps forward and resting his coffee cup on the edge of the table. "Can I... sit down?" he asked carefully, raising his eyebrows to signal to the chair opposite me.

"P-please! Go ahead," I replied quickly, my gaze falling to the magazine on the table before I quickly closed it and turned my attention back to Matt. "God, how're you?" I gushed, surprise still echoing in my voice.

"Yeah, I'm doing great, thanks," he responded lightly, making himself comfortable opposite me with that smile never fading. "And... you?" he asked carefully, looking at me with a hidden excitement in his eyes.

My mouth opened and closed wordlessly a couple of times, before I could produce a single note. "Well, I'm... I'm good! I mean, I'm shocked. Really, really... surprised..." I trailed off, my eyes still darting around his face. "Matt," I spoke softly this time, a smile playing on my lips for the first time since I had realised it.

Although it was all a little difficult for me to take in at that moment, I could gradually see more and more of that adolescent boy I had known so long ago. Even beneath his now longer, dyed black hair and apparent change of wardrobe, I could still see his almost bleach blond mop on top of his head and his bad taste in shirts that I remembered much too clearly. He'd grown up, certainly.

"Seph... I haven't heard that one in a few years," I said distantly as my fingers wrapped around my cup, Matt glancing back to look at me from the rain outside.

"Seven years," he supplied, picking up his own drink, steam faintly rolling off of it.

"Eight years," I corrected, almost smug, as I brought the cup to my lips, making his smile drop into a playful glare. I shook my head to myself slowly at the thought. "Wow, it really has been so long," I said, half to myself. "What are you doing around here, anyway?"

He shrugged indifferently, gaze falling from mine for a second. He swallowed a large gulp of his drink and cleared his throat before his eyes rose back up. "I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it's a long story," he said finally, with a lopsided grin.

I laughed softly. "Fair enough," I responded, draining the rest of my small coffee and placing the cup back down on it's saucer. To be perfectly honest, it took just about all of my will power to finish the drink past the nerves that were running through me and making me feel slightly sick. To think, after all these years, Matt was sitting here in front of me. I honestly never thought I'd see him again, and it was slightly unnerving to see him again. It left me vulnerable, almost.

"So what are you up to now, still living in that place down from your parents?" Matt asked casually, tilting his head to the side.

"Oh, no, I moved out... well, pretty soon after I got there, actually," I said a little downheartedly as I glanced at my lap, remembering the old flat I had managed to rent out with my own money after we finished college. I really had been so proud of that place, for the entire three months I stayed there, at least. I shook the thoughts from my head almost as soon as they entered, not wanting to step over such broken memories. Not right now.

"I have a pretty nice house now, actually," I added brightly, smiling back up at Matt. He nodded slowly, as I noticed his eyes were suddenly watching me differently, like they had at the counter a few days before. In a way, like they always had when there was something hovering on the tip of his tongue. I was a little confused as to why it was showing, though, unsure whether he caught how fake my last smile had been.

"With your... husband."

I watched him in confusion for a moment, before my eyes dropped to my hands resting on the table top. Sure enough, my platinum band was shimmering back up at me as loud and clear as it could, perfectly bound around the ring finger on my left hand.

"Oh, my fiance, actually," I corrected slowly, my expression clear as I consciously moved my hands to rest on my lap beneath the table, watching them with my head bowed low.

"Congratulations," Matt said softly, a profound note in his voice. I glanced back up as our gaze met, and he smiled in that same old way that always managed to infect his own joy into everyone around him. He had one of the warmest smiles I had ever seen in a man, and it really was such a beautiful thing.

"Thank you," I started, suddenly finding my voice quiet and my head lost for words. I just didn't know what to say. What do you say to someone who you haven't seen in almost a decade? It was hard to know. You ask how they are, where they're living now, what they're doing with their life, but then there's nothing. You don't have any common ground to stand on, or at least, you're not sure if you do.

I started picking at my nails as I wracked my head for something to say, but the more I thought about it, the more I wish I hadn't. Eight years was a long time, and long enough for my bitterness to be deeply buried. I didn't want it to resurrect itself, after all, my best friend from from college was sitting in front of me with a smile on his face. What had passed, had passed.

"So hows... things?" I asked pathetically, glancing up at Matt with a timid expression. He raised an eyebrow, trying to hide his smile behind his mug of coffee. I glared at him playfully and he chuckled.

"Things. Things are fine," he said slowly, resting the cup back down on the table. "I'm still with the two Micheal's," he said brightly, making me smile instantly. "They're around too, actually. Probably drinking some stronger things than coffee by now though," he added with a chuckle. I smiled and nodded, remembering all too clearly how every person I was friends with in college was fond of their alcohol. I suppose some things didn't change.

"Wow, so does that mean you guys still have that... band?" I asked, for the life of me not remembering what they were called.

"Yeah, we do," he said with a shrug. "We lost Nick and Evie, but we're still chugging along," he added as I nodded, soaking in his words. "What are you up to?"

"Well, I work for a magazine. Mostly the graphics stuff, but I throw my hand at everything, really," I explained, lightly edging the magazine on the table top towards him. "With Katie, actually. She's my manager."

A surprised and happy expression crossed his face as he glanced up from my weeks work. "No way! Oh wow, it's been a while since I've spoken to her too."

I smiled and leaned forward on the table, enjoying the conversation topic. "And Simon. Simon Durham, do you remember him? Shortish guy, used to go to all the college shows."

"Fuck, Durham Dreads?" Matt asked suddenly, a bold laugh breaking his words. "Please say he's fixed his hair. I swear he used to think that nickname was a term of endearment."

I laughed softly, trying to hide it behind my hand. "Yeah, he fixed his hair," I managed to respond through my giggles. "You've missed a lot, really. Most of the people from college stayed local."

"Yeah, I can imagine. Not a lot of them had much ambition," he said light-heartedly, though it made me pause and look at him oddly. He seemed to rethink his words. "We'll, not you obviously. I mean, you stayed here but I wasn't implying-" he gushed quickly before smiling bashfully. "I'm digging, aren't I?"

I shook my head slowly, glancing away with a smile. "A little. Not surprising, really."

We shared a chuckle as we both turned back to our drinks, Matt absently opening the magazine in front of him and flicking through it, not really taking in the details but looking for something to catch his eye. I knew it wouldn't, but I thought I'd let him run with it anyway, as I turned away from watching him behind my cup, to that clock above the counter. I frowned slightly, which caught even myself off guard. I assumed a part of me wanted to sit in the past a little longer.

"Sorry, Matt. I have to get back to work," I apologised earnestly, snapping his attention up to me. I smiled softly and pushed my cup on it's saucer closer to the middle of the table, making room for my bag on the surface as I hauled it from the ground. "It was great to see you, though."

Matt quickly placed his cup down on the table, standing up as I did. "Yeah, you too, Seph," he said with a smile, rolling up the magazine and holding it out to me as I quickly pulled on my jacket. "You know, I could... maybe give you my number? I'm in town for a while, we should catch up sometime, seeing as I don't really know anyone else in town apart from the band, and I think I've seen them enough, you know?" he flurried with a chuckle, making him sound slightly nervous.

I paused almost immediately, a little part of me freezing over inside. My actions slowed, too, as I pulled the strap of my bag over my head to rest on the opposite shoulder. I couldn't look at him right away, and I'm almost certain he felt the change - or at least saw it when my head stayed bowed towards the ground.

After a second I glanced back up at him timidly, biting the inside of my cheek in thought. His hopeful expression was quickly falling into doubt. I couldn't help but allow it to tug at my heart strings.

"Sure," I said eventually, a light, yet nervous smile on my face as I reached out for the magazine still held in my direction. "That would be nice," I continued slowly, finding myself having to choose my words carefully.

Despite the fact he could see my initial reluctance, Matt's face seemed to light up that I had put that aside. I watched as he started patting down his pockets, plucking a small Biro from his jacket while his other hand moved around to the back pocket on his jeans and took out his receipt. A light smile played on my lips as I watched him lean over the table and quickly jot the numbers down on to the small slip of paper, with a pen that was one of those you always pick up from your local bank, and conveniently forget to put back.

"Here," he said, straightening up again and holding the slip in my direction. "You can pretty much always get me on that."

I inclined my head and took the slip, opening my bag and specifically placing it in the front pocket, to save myself from losing it. From the same section, I pulled out a small business card from my extra pack I always had a habit of carrying with me these days. It was mostly because I also had a habit of forgetting my mobile number, but it was just as much for Katie's own uses whenever she tried to pawn me off onto one-time jobs with small companies for a little extra pay. She had my best interests in mind so often that it scared me.

"There you go," I returned with a bright expression, holding out the small card. Matt's eyebrows furrowed slightly as he looked at it almost as if it was an alien life form, before taking the card and inspecting it more closely. He laughed under his breath and shook his head before he glanced back up at me, sliding it into his back pocket.

"Fancy," he stated with a boyish grin. I nodded in return and his gaze held with mine. "Well, I'll let you get back to your busy day, then."

"Thanks. I'll see you around, maybe," I replied as I took a step backwards. "Bye, Matt."

He gave me a small salute, achieving it's goal to make me smile. "See you later, Seph."

I inclined my head once more before turning around and weaving back through the maze of tables, a little more haste in my steps than usual. As I quickly shuffled my way out of the coffee shop, the small bell above the door chiming as I left, my gaze wandered to still very overcast and drizzling sky; and although I couldn't shift the small smile on my lips as I started heading back towards the office a few blocks away, neither could I push away the doubts that were relentlessly flooding my mind. I didn't believe that any amount of sunshine on such an awful day as this could keep those troubled thoughts at bay.