Thinking of You

"Niki...I'm nervous as fuck." I said as we sat on my living room couch, waiting for Joe to get here. Tour ended only about a week ago, and in a half an hour I would be going to my first baby appointment. My mom wanted me to have this appointment as soon as I told her I was pregnant, but the whole being-on-tour-thing kinda threw a wrench into that plan. So here I am, almost two months later, waiting on Joe (as usual) to go face my future.

I don't know if you've ever thought about the future, but its a pretty scary thing when you really think about it. Kind of when you think about how massive the universe is. But anyways, even though the future scares me to pieces, Joe and I have discussed everything. And I mean everything. Even marriage. Don't know when or if it will happen...but we've talked about it. We've even talked about faking a break up so the press doesn't think its Joe's baby if we don't end up marrying. Yeah, yeah, I know. That leaves him with his intact, shiny reputation and me as the slut who got knocked up cheating on Joe Jonas.

But whatever. Calm down, K. You can't go stressing yourself out more. Mom says its bad for the baby. Deep breaths.

"K, everything will be fine. And in seven months, you'll pop out a mini Joe or a mini Kristen and you'll be the happiest person alive." Niki said, trying to calm me down. I have a feeling my crazy eyes must have come out.

"I know, I know. But what if something goes wrong? I don't know if I can handle that. I know I probably sound batshit crazy but I'm already so attached to this thing in my belly and Joe and I have talked names and baby colors for a nursery and being a family and our future and maybe marriage and -"

"Woah, slow down. You're nervous. That's normal. And hey, guess what else? Your baby is going to be normal, too. Well, as normal as your baby can be." Niki said, cutting me off and actually managing to get me to laugh. She's right. Everything will be fine.

"You're right, you're right. Okay. I'm going to go pee."

"Go go go pregnant lady!"

As I was washing my hands, I heard the front door open and Joe and Niki exchanging hellos. I smiled. I haven't seen Joe since tour ended because I went back to Massachusetts while he had to do press with Kevin and Nick in New York. I missed him.

"Joe!" I said as he engulfed me in a hug.

"Hey babe. How're you feeling? No weird aches? How's your morning sickness? Can you eat eggs again-"

"Oh god. Both of you are the worst worriers about this. She's fine. Lets go!" Niki said, grabbing our arms and leading us out to my driveway.

The whole drive I was fidgeting nonstop. I just couldn't shake this feeling even though I knew that I was probably fine. I'm young, I'm healthy, what can possibly go wrong. Not even Beyonce on the radio could get me out of my funk.

"Kristen?" The nurse said out loud to the waiting room. I grabbed Joe's hand and sat up.

"Right this way. This is where the doctor will see you. Have a seat on the table. She'll be with you in a moment."

"Babe, you're cutting the circulation off in my hand." Joe said gently, trying to pry my fingers away from his.

"Oh, sorry. Just nervous."

We were silent as we waited for Dr. Jenkelson. My heart was racing. Who knew that I could get this stressed out. There was a knock on the door and the doctor walked in, a smile on her face.

"Hi, Kristen! How are you? Oh and you must be the father." She said, shaking Joe's hand as he introduced himself.

"Okay. This will probably be the longest appointment you'll have during your pregnancy, so let's just dive right in. Sound good?"

She started by asking about my medical history and my hospitalizations over the years. You know the kind of questions.

"So how are you feeling so far in your pregnancy?" She asked, putting aside her clipboard.

"Um, well I feel alright. Some morning sickness, I'm pretty tired, going pee a lot. All normal things I think."

"No dizziness? Have you experienced any pain?"

"I've only been dizzy from head rushes. You know, standing up too fast." I said, and she nodded.

"And any pain?"

"Nothing out of the ordinary, I don't think. My neck has been pretty sore, but I think I must've slept funny. My shoulder hurt the other day, but that's got nothing to do with the baby, right?" I said, getting more nervous by the minute from the look on her face.

"I just want to check something real quick. Please lay down on your back." She said, standing up from her little stool. Warning bells started to go off in my head. I glanced at Joe and he looked as alarmed as I felt.

She put some pressure on my abdomen and I screamed. I actually screamed. The pain was excruciating. I felt as if someone was continuously stabbing me with a hot poker. Tears welled in my eyes. Joe bolted out of his chair, almost knocking it over.

"What's happening? What's wrong with her? Is the baby alright!?"

"I'm really sorry to inform you both that I believe Kristen is having an Ectopic Pregnancy. I'll have to do other tests to confirm it, but I'm almost certain."

"What's that? Will the baby be okay?" I said frantically. She looked at me with sympathy in her eyes.

"An Ectopic Pregnancy is what we call it when the egg attaches itself to a place other than the uterus. Mostly the fallopian tubes. I believe that's what's happened to you."

"Oh no." I said, sitting up, not believing what I was hearing.

"What? What does that mean?" Joe said, looking from me to the doctor.

"The fallopian tubes aren't designed to grow a baby. The fetus won't develop normally. In most cases, it has to be treated... Sometimes removed." She said, trying to drop the bomb quietly.

"So, what? You like move it to the right spot and then everything is okay?" Joe said, still not understanding.

"Joe, we aren't having a baby anymore. We never were. They have to remove it." I said, my voice monotone. I almost couldn't look at his face. The pain he was feeling. The pain we were both feeling.

"I'm so sorry that you both have to go through this. I'll give you both a minute and then we can discuss treatment and set a date for your procedure." She left us.

I think I just broke.