Forgive but Never Forget

I stood in the ally way next to the building, crying and smoking a cigarette. What the hell am I suppose to do now? I have nothing. This was the only thing I really had in my life to keep me from being a complete failure and off the streets. It kept a roof over my head and supported my habits, its all i asked for.

I heard steps walking towards me, I swear if it’s Zach I'm going to sock in him in the face. Lucky for him it was Brian. Perhaps iwould get that plessure another time.

“What do you want?” I asked very harshly. I was in no mood to deal with this situation any longer.

“Just to see how you are.” He was very calm and mellow. There was a certain presence about him that made me feel…safe maybe? I just felt at ease with him, maybe because he was. I looked up at him, my heavy make-up was probably everywhere running down my face from crying, still looking like a crazy half naked bitch. His inquiry seemed obvious to me. No, I love to storm out of buildings in a crazed manor screaming at the top of my lungs, it's a hobby.

“How the fuck do you think I feel? I don’t have a job, I’m not qualified for any other decent job and I don’t have the money to go to school. He fucked me over once again.”

Brian walked a bit closer and pulled me into a hug. Even though we just met it was comforting, like I said, compared to the stuff I usually get….

“He just wants to make you better, he want to set things right with you. He really does feel like shit for what’s happened.”

I pulled back from him and looked at the stained and cracked cement. Really? If that was the case he wouldnt have just distroyed me yet again. So far he was fucking up all over tyhe place.

“Well good for him. Why should I have to pay yet again for what he’s done?”

I didn’t know what to do. I was right back at square one when we broke up, left with nothing but raw emotions. I had so much build up anger, passion…love. I’ve waited so long to cuss him out, to scream in his face, to tell him in every detail how he hurt me then just leave, just like he left me. But I couldn’t bring myself to do that, as much great appreciation that would give me, it would still kill on the inside. Which is what drove me insane. He still had this control over me to where I still couldn't stand up for myself.

“Do you still love him?”

My eyes looked at him but not my head, Did he seriously just ask that question? I don't think I was as pissed that he asked it as much as I didn't want to admit it.

“Excuse me?”

“Do you still love him?”

I couldn’t speak, tears started to form again. How was I suppose to answer that?

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

I didn’t say anything back, admitting defeat. I hated loving him. I promised him that I’d always love him no matter what he did. It turned out that promise came back to bite me because I still did. I tried everything to get over him, I’ve had a t least 3 different serious relationships with guys; didn’t help. I’ve even tried hypnotherapy for fucks sake. For the absolute life of me, I couldn’t shake him. I looked back up at Brian who was looking at the sky. Maybe I could use his knowlage of the situation now to my advantage.

“What am suppose to do? I mean, I can’t just give into him like I’ve always done, I need to stand up for myself.”

However I knew at this point that was completly impossible. He looked back down at me and smiled,

“Maybe standing up for yourself means facing your fears. It seems to me that you’ve done nothing but try and hide from your feelings this whole time.”

This guy barely knew me, I had just met him, in a strip joint no less and he made more since then anyone ever did. I tried to sink in his words; I have just been running from him this whole time, trying to cover him up. I was afraid to ever let him go, passed a certain point he became a part of me even though he wasn’t physically with me anymore. I was afraid to be on my own. He continued to try and talk sense into me, while he looked back up to the sky.

“This time last night, if someone came up to you and told you that they could grant any wish you wanted, what would you wish for?”

I knew where he going with this, but I didn’t want to say it.

“I don’t know.” I wasn’t going to let him win again, he had to get out of my head.

He turned to look at me, “Come on. You know what you would ask for, it’s just a simple question.”

Simple to you, maybe. He is not the one handling a possible life or death situation here. I let go however. Like I said, maybe his knowlage could be useful to me.

“For us to be together...go back to the way we were." I mumbled.

Fuck. How does he do that? He makes me put all my walls down. He was like the modern fucking Ghandi. I was starting to remenesse, not a good thing. Tears started to form.

Brian smirked, “I’m sorry what was that?”

I turned my whole body to him this time with my hands in the air. I hate admitting defeat. There honestly was no point in getting around this anymore. He wasn't lettting go and apparently I was playing right into it.

“For us to be together alright?” I realized what I said quite loudly and closed my self in a bit. I continued in a whisper.

“I want it more than anything in the world.”

I hated this. Yesterday I was fine, perfectly happy, well not perfectly but still. I was fine in life, I finally got things stable to where I wasn’t an emotional mess. I looked at Brian. He had so much to say just in his eyes alone. It looked like he actually cared about me and what my feelings were. I didn’t like how he was able to get in my head though.

“What should I do?”

I was at a complete loss. 10 minutes ago I wanted to rip his throat out and feed back to him for leaving me to rot and distroying my life once again, now Im thinking about how much I miss him and love him? I was more fucked up then any drug could ever make me.

“Well first I think you should talk to him, see what he has to say. You ever know he might surprise you.”

Zach was never short on surprises, however they never seemed to be the ones you shold be happy about. I sighed and put out my cigarette. I guess he did make some sense; I should at least give the kid a try. He turned and started to walk away, but he stopped and turned around,

“And who knows, you might even get your wish.”

With that and a smirk, he turned the corner of the building and was gone.