Forgive but Never Forget

I really didn’t know what to do, so I just kept quiet and looked out the window. I hated being so close to him yet so far away. He smell was filling my mind, filling it with thoughts of us from over the years. The smiles, laughter, hugs and kisses, the moments that made me see past the warning signs. He was always flirtatious, a bit aggressive and sometimes he seemed rather distant. But all of that was pushed to the back of my mind when his lips touched mine. A normal girl that is head over heals reaction right? I think I took it a bit too far. I didn't care that he stole from me, sold drugs or slept with other girls. As long as he came home to me that was all that mattered.

“Which exit do I get off?” His voice threw me for a loop, I forgot where I live for a minute.
“Just take 57B and take the street all the way to the Vaudeville apartments.”
“You live there?” I looked over at him irritated,
“Is that a problem?”
He stumbled over his words, now regretting his outward comment.
“No, it’s just, I…”
I figured I would stop him before he shoved his whole leg in his mouth.
“Look, it’s not the most glorious place in the world, sure. But it’s all I have ok? However now that I don’t have a job, I don’t if I’ll be able to keep it.”
Guilt trip? Why not.
“I’ll make sure your taken care of ok? Don’t worry about it.”
“Words don’t mean anything Zach, I thought we went over that.”
I was trying to ruffle him up; putting him through the test to see of he was actually for real this time.
“Well I’m just fucking saying, ok; I’m here if you need anything.”
It was working, he was getting upset, trying to prove to me he was serious and I like that. We were coming up to my apartments and I could tell he was getting ancy.
“Its 219, just park on the left here.” I told him. He pulled up and I reached for the door but he stopped me and looked at me with his eyes like big huge sausers of green,
“Alycia, I promise.”
He looked so serious, so determined. His eyes were caring and deep, I could so easily just fall in them again and never come out, but I had to keep my tough exterior.
“We’ll see.”
Then I walked out of the car and walked as fast as I could to my apartment, trying not to invision the hurt in his eyes.

I walked in and took a huge breath, I was finally able to relax and not keep my gaurd up from anybody. Remembering Zacky's comment, I looked at my apartment. It was defiantly not the best places, the walls were a bit cracked and the ceiling had water stains. It reaked of my laundry and alcohol and ciggerettes. I tried to decorate to cover things up but it was just too apparent. I had no one to impress anyway.

I immediately went up to my room to change. Most of my stuff was still at the club, I would have to go pick it up today. When I took my top off, a piece of paper fell out on the bed with it. I picked it up and examined it, it was Brian's number he gave me last night. I truly believed was out for my best intentions wether he knew Zacky was or not. I figured I could trust him and he could help me figure out Zacky as well.

“Hello?”
“Hey Brian it’s Aly.”
“Oh hey whats up? How you feeling?”
“A little better, we came to some terms last night, I got him on a leash.”
He laughed as if he expected something like that.
“Well that’s something I suppose. Well do want to chat things over a cup of coffee?”
I wasn’t so sure, going alone with him? Whatever, he could be a serious ally to help me pick apart Zack.
“Sure. Where did you have in mind?”
“Well I know this little place downtown next to the river on Virginia.”
“Oh yeah, I know where that is.”
“Good. I’ll meet you there in 10.”
It was that quick and easy.

Well here I go right? I was kind of lost, I didn’t know where to go from here. I was trapped in a corner again and the only way out was Zack. I can’t count how many times I’ve been in this situation. Everything was fine this time yesterday, now I’m heading downhill and there's a cement wall at the end and even though I see it, I can't dop anyhting to keep to from happening.

I finished getting dressed in some normal clothes that wouldn’t cause hoots and hollers from the street. I walked the few blocks it was from my house, one of the great things about living downtown was you were close to everything. It was breezy and partly cloudy out it felt amazing against my face; a moment of serenity before I saw Brian standing outside the coffee shop waiting for me. Back into the Lions den.

“Did you walk?”
What des it look like?
“Yeah, I live in some apartments downtown.”
I didn’t want to get the same reaction from him that I got from Zacky so I kept the info to a minimum. He nodded as we walked in and got a seat. It was the middle of the day on a weekday, most people were at work. The only people there were the people that haven’t realized the 60’s are over with no real job and professional business people and the top of the coorperate latter on lunch break taking advantage of the free Internet to check their stocks online. irony at it's greatest.

“Do you want anything?”
He asked me while walking to the front. I wasn't really thinking about that. I was more excited to to be somewhere other then my house or the club.
“No, that ok. I’m good.”
“Come on what do you want? I’m buying.” His smile was so welcoming. I suppose it could't hurt.
“Ok, just a mocha frapachino.”
He smirked as he handed the young teen the money.
“What?”
“Just a chick drink. It’s cute.”

I giggled and went to the back corner. My drink was amazing, I don’t really get to spoil myself much so this was a true treat. But Brian got right to business, killing the tastebud frenzy.
“What are you going to do about Zacky?”
Even though I haven’t stopped thinking about that question for the past 24 hours I still didn’t have an answer. But he didn’t wait for me to answer anyway.
“I think you should give him another chance. I know you love him still.”
The nerve.

He had no right to tell me how the hell I felt. Even it was right, anyone who tells me how I feel, I immediately want to think the opposite. He was so smug about it too. He said it with no second thought, just smiled and sipped his coffee and gazing out the window. I figured I would skip the whole thing and just ask why.
“Because, I know he means it this time. Do you have any idea how much I’ve heard about you from him over the years? Anytime he’s drunk he rambles about you.”
This was big, I had no idea. Drunken words are sober thoughts.
“He’s still crazy about you, I don’t think he ever stopped loving you.”
This was so much so fast. How did I know he wasn’t lying? Just looking out for his friends to score some ass? I was getting ancy I needed to know the answers to my questions. Now.

“Oh yeah? Well how come he left so many times? If he loved me so much, how come he continued to hurt me?”
Come to think of it, I should have asked these questions last night. I was getting really upset though. I was still getting some shivers from my withdrawal, which wasn't making things any better or making me any more calm. I don’t do heroine much, I’m not an addict. So I’m not craving another shot right now. I need to learn though because going through this is a bitch. Not the point right now though.

“I think he would rather tell you.”
This was turning out to be so pointless.
“So is there anything you can help me with or actually tell me?”
He took another sip of his coffee and looked behind me out the window for a moment.
“Just give him another chance, he means it.”
That was all he had to say? Really? This was pretty pointless.
“Well can you at least tell me what kind of things he would say?”
I was tring for anything at this point. Knowing anything at all would help. His attention was back on me.

“He would just say how much he missed you and how he regretted leaveing you and how you were the best thing that ever happened to him…stuff like that.”
Again, just stating all of this with no second thought, no emotion at all, really. But really that stuff did sound pretty generic, there still was no way to tell if he was telling the truth. Even though hearing it made me tingle.
“Ok so, what do I do right now?”
He took the last couple sips of his coffee and threw his cup away.
“Just try to be civil with him. Call him and just hang out like we are now. Get used to being around eachother again.”

That was so easy for him to say. He didn’t have to deal with the way his sent drove me crazy. Either bringing back memories that make me cry, or make we want to hurl. The way just looking into his eyes brings an over whelming sense of comfort and protection. His presence sends chills down my spine and over my body. And that I hated it as much as I loved it.

“Well I think right now I need to look for another club to work at if I want to keep my house.”
“Don’t worry about that.”
I could I not worry about that?
“Why may I ask?”
“We got you covered, just don’t worry about it. If you need a place to say just call me.”
“That’s what Zacky said. But I’d rather not sleep in the same house with him for more than one night.”
It would totally defeat my whole purpose, I know I would end up caving.
“See? Then just call me. I got your back.”
How could someone be so nice to a person they don’t even know? But was he doing it for me, or for Zacky? Did he really care about me and want to see us back together? Or was it still part of a plot just to screw me over again?
“Ok. Well thank you then. But wait, I don’t even have Zacky's number.”
He grabbed a napkin, wrote it down and handed it to me. It almost burned in my hand.
“Thanks.” i suppose I was happy to have it. It just means another step closer to him.
“No problem.”
“No really, thanks for everything.”
He smiled and stood up, knowing exactly what I was talking about.
“Really, no problem.”