Forgive but Never Forget

I came back home about half an hour later. Brian offered to take me home but I didn’t want him to see where I lived. Apparently it gets alot of opinions and eye raising. And I didn't need another reason for them to "worry" about me more.

I had so many things to do, but first thing was first, get my stuff back from the club and possibly get my job back.
I walked in the employee entrance, the club isn’t open during the day thank god. I was able to catch up on my sleep most of the day before I went back to work when the club opened at 8. I was the only girl there. I was glad, that way I could get my things in peace without having to be bombarded with questions from the other girls. The dressing room was so desolite, creepy in a way. As I was grabbing my things I started to think.
Maybe quitting here is something I’m suppose to do, everything happens for a reason right?
I finalized that thought when I walked passed my bosses office without saying anything and out the door back to my apartment. As I stared at the cracks in the street below me, I was in awe of myself.

It was times like these I wish I had a friend, a true friend. One to go through this stuff with and share secrets and tell anything to and they won’t judge me. I've never let anyone else that close in after Zacky. I did have best friends at one point, but they all just kind of faded after awhile. I suppose it was my fault, I did distance myself a lot. But I made my bed and now I lie in it so why complain now?

I knew I needed to call Zacky. I knew I was going to eventually. I just wanted to put it off till the very last. Not having a job was actually weighing more on my mind then anything else. I worked in the best club in town; I hated leaving. But at least it would look good on my resume to work at another club, right? When you’ve been in the business as long as I have, you learn the bad and good places really quick. The second best place was a little more in downtown called, Roxxie’s. It was pretty good, the only problem was you got more sleezball type guys coming in and the interior wasn't as elegant. I figured it was worth a shot. It was a choice over the shit holes next to the motels with half flashing lights and gunshots heard next door.

I just walked in, that was how I got my last job. I took it as a good sign that guys were already gawking me and I wasn’t even dressed the part. I didn’t look like a slut. I wasn’t really skinny, I had all the right curves, my boobs were real, normal sized not double Ds or anything. I did have an ass though; I didn’t like it most times. However the funny thing is that women hate everything on their body that men like. Girls want to be skinny, no ass, no boobs and no waist. Guys like the exact opposite. It’s in their genes to like a woman with curves because then he knows she's capable of having his children. Plus women get their idea of what's “sexy” now days from magazines, which are put together by women and gay men, two groups of people that wouldn’t fuck us anyway. I learned all this in a sociology class I took in high school. I find those things very interesting.

I asked the bartender to direct me to the managers office, he pointed to a small corridor with a door at the end. He was pretty cute actually, and by his wink when I left I could tell he felt the same.
Zacky, you have Zacky.
Well I didn't have Zacky, in that way anyway. I mean yes I did have him in a way, he was more mine then anyone else's I suppose. Not the time to be argueing about this with myself right now.

I waked down to the door and knocked lightly.
“Come in!”
I opened the slow slowly and peaked my head through. He saw me and instantly smiled.
“Come in babe! Have a seat! What can I do ya for?”
He sounded so nice, way nicer than my old boss. It made me feel less intimidated.
“Hi, my name is Alycia, I used to work at The Wild Orchid but I don’t anymore due to personal reasons. I was wondering if you….”
His smile got wider and he interrupted me,
“Of course babe! If you worked at Wild Orchid I’m sure your excellent. When would you like to set up a dance tryout?”
This was going so much better and easier than I thought.
“As soon as possible actually.”
“Well great! Why don’t you stick around until the next set-up. We’ll have you go on first and see how they like you.”
I can’t believe it was this easy. The first time I tried getting this far, everyone just treated me like I was a child. I guess it was because I had no experience at the time. Now I’ve been doing this for a good 6 years.
“Ok that sounds great.”
“Go backstage and get ready, I’m sure the girls will share.”

I smiled and nodded on the outside but inside I wasn’t so sure. I don’t like meeting new people or interacting with unfamiliar people. Especially asking complete strangers to use their personal things.
I walked out and made my way backstage, all the girls were getting ready for the next set. All of them were so into the mirror, trying to get their make-up just right and their hair to do the exact thing they wanted it to do. How little that actually happened. They didn’t even notice I was there. I walked to the back and was running out of girls to ask until I saw one that wasn’t in the mirror. She was sitting in her chair texting on her phone. She had black hair, striagt to about her shoulders, choppy and layered. Her style looked like mine, a bit on the dark side, black make-up and outfit. She had this ora off of her, she came off as tough but she seemed so inviting at the same time.
“
Hey, excuse me. I’m trying out today and I was wondering if I could borrow some...make-up and things.”
There. I threw myself out there, now I’m vulnerable. Fuck. Now I'm probably going to get laughed at. She looked up from her phone and smiled.
“Sure babes!”
Instant relief. I was accepted. I sat in the unused station next her as she gave me her make up box.. now I didn’t know what to do next. I wasn’t the best with small talk.
“So is this your first time?”
Well I guess she was good with small talk so I was saved. I was good at talking with someone new when they controlled the conversation.
“No actually I just came from Wild Orchid. I’ve been dancing for 6 years.”
“Wow really? I’ve been dancing for four. Why did you come here? Wild Orchid is so much is so much better.”
I don’t think she wanted to know the whole story, not now at least so I summed it up.
“I’m sorry baby cakes. Well I hope you get the spot here, you already have a friend.”

She winked at me and walked out of the room, leaving me with the decision of what color eye shadow matched which outfit. She called me a friend though; it felt really good. She was so nice and welcoming. The other girls still didn’t notice I was here. Was she really a friend though? I don't even think I remember how to have friends,

I decided that the burgundy eye shadow went with the black lace outfit I had picked out. The announcer asked me my name, I told him Cassandra. It was my stage name, I didn’t like having my real name associated with this in my head, I learned that my first month in dancing. Anytime someone said my name, I would automatically envision myself on stage. I'm not saying it’s a horrible thing to do, I would just rather picture mysef do other things.

I peered out through the curtains; the guys were ready go. Most were your average strip club attendees, drunken truckers or sleazy businessmen that I’m sure their wives had no idea they came here. There was a bachelor party tonight; they were in the corner laughing up a storm. Bachelor parties were always the best customers. Suddenly, I felt at ease. I felt comfortable. Considering I don't like strangers or being in someones space, I was sure comfortable dancing on one naked.

“Now for you enjoyment pleasure, Cassandra!”
I worked my ass of those men, those worthless, ungrateful men. Yet I had to pay some respect, they made my living, and if I was extra nice to them, I would be able to live better. I walked off the stage with just my underwear on, egging them on even more spinning my bra on my finger. I walked backstage and started to change back into normal when I was met by the manager.

“You are amazing! Absolutely amazing! Congratulations girl!”
I was shocked, almost speechless.
“Really? I got the spot?”
He laughed and padded my back.
“Yes! You were stunning! The men are still going crazy! Listen to em out there!”
I really didn’t know what to say now. I just smiled and said thank you I don’t even know how many times.

I was walking back to put the costume away when the girl form earlier appeared in front of me and gave me a huge hug, I don’t know how to respond.
“Hey baby doll! Congrats! I'm Lynn by the way.”
“Thank you so much, I’m Alycia.”
Her smile morphed into a frown,
“I thought your name was Cassandra?”
I answered her with the explanation I had made in my head. She thought it was cute and we stood there talking for a bit.
“So do you want that station next to me?” She asked. Of course I did, she was a friend right?
“Sure! Yeah that would be great!”

She had this raw in your face personality. Where she just was who she was and didn’t care what anyone else thought. She was going to make sure you knew she was there, no matter what. I was like that on the floor when I was dealing with the men, or with people I knew really well. Other than that I was shy on the outside, a complete outsider.

We talked for almost an hour while we were taking out make-up off and getting back into normal attire. I didn’t start work till tomorrow and she had the day shift today so she was off.
“Do you wanna chill tonight, babe? I ain’t got anything else to do.”
I haven’t been invited to somewhere in so long. Especially with a girl or something that didn’t involve sex, which is sad but true.
“Um…yeah! That would be awesome.”
“Great! How about you come back to my place and get ready there?”
“Yeah…that’s great!” Itried to sound inthused, but I really at this point didn’t know how.