Just Bring Him Back to Me

I tightly held the crumpled piece of paper in the palm of my hand while feeling the emptiness surrounding my presence in the room. There were words of course written on the tiny note and every time I read all those sentences, each scribbled word became a bullet and shot right through me, staying punctured into my body. When I first held it between my fingertips I did not know what would become of the future after I read it, but it would have been less depressing if I hadn't.

Obviously, it was strange for anyone to have so much emotions spiraling around them for just a worthless piece of trash that had smudged pencil markings all over it, but it meant so much to me. The paper even was more important to me than it was to an artist and the edges were ripped and torn from the times I had clutched it so tight while holding it against my heart.

The note was written by Bobby, my close friend that I loved so much. His handwriting gave me so many haunting memories and I always whispered the first words at the top to myself. Nights were always spent reading it and I almost began memorizing everything.

Why had I been full of sorrow about one tiny message? It marked the end of my world, my happiness, my own love. Yet it also marked the start of my strength and voice. Bobby didn't want me to be this way and I should have known it all from the moment I first met him.

He was so innocent when I met him, always shy and honest, but had an amazing personality that just sparked my interest. Bobby had something special about him and I loved it. He wanted to know more about me because I guess he was just comfortable whenever we talked and made eye contact.

I loved how he always made his hair fall in front of his face, just to fix it and position it the way he was used to. What he liked about me was how I my eyes were so bright and how I smiled. Bobby also knew that he wasn't very strong because he didn't give a shit about that. He was smart and didn't feel that it was necessary to show off his "muscles" or body.

There had been times where he had hurt my feelings, but it was always something he'd regret after wards. Sometimes I think back at how he had once called me a slut, an insult I cringed at, but now laugh at because of how cute he seemed when he apologized.

People had taunted us, thinking that we liked each other, but the very first time I heard the assumption, I began questioning myself a little. Was it true that I liked him, but didn't even know it? I needed to find out myself, but my mind refused to admit my true feelings.

It wasn't until before the summer began, when he said he'd miss me so much. His last words before the long summer vacation coming ahead. I finally realized how much I really liked him and it was weird at first.

I wasn't too scared to tell him when school started again, but I was unsure about his reaction, if it was the cliche event that might happen. If he would say it would ruin the friendship or if he would stay away from me.

"I can't believe I'm saying this," I had said.

"Saying what?" he had asked curiously.

"That I like you," I muttered.

"You what?" he didn't hear me very well.

"I...like you," I repeated.

The moment I said it, I couldn't even look at him and like any other girl, I wanted to run away. My hands were shaking and I knew he'd stay silent, feeling how awkward the moment had become, but he didn't react to my answer like it was strange. He simply just smiled and gave me a hug.

No, he didn't say he liked me back, but he continued to hang around me. We were so close, it was almost like he really was my boyfriend. Every night we'd talk to each other on the phone like it was a big deal and as stupid as this may sound, we even sent text messages after we woke up, saying "good morning".

Yes, we felt like it was sort of a cheesy romance flick and that if it were a movie, nobody would watch it. I didn't care because it was fun being silly with him, taking pictures, and coming to his house to spend the night. Unlike other guys, he cared for me because of my personality, not my looks.

He had helped me when I was going through a horrible period of self-harming. I hate to bring this up again, but I did cut myself and he became concerned for me. Bobby eventually got help and I was able to get better and get help. For that, I loved him even more since he had saved my life. I just knew he cared a lot for me because still was there by my side.

Up until she came.

He had met a girl over the year and her name was Maty. She was sweet and I knew she was a nice person, but it hurt that he already immediately fell "in love" with her. What hurt the most was that I was the first person he told. He had told me about his girlfriend.

I wanted to be happy for him, I really did. It still ached whenever I heard him talk about how beautiful she was and how amazing she was. What had happened to me? Ever since he met Maty, I wasn't really apart of his life anymore. It was like I lost him because all he wanted to talk to me about was Maty. I hated it so much.

Then he and Maty weren't together anymore, but when she didn't feel like they could be boyfriend and girlfriend, he was devastated. He still was "in love" with her and complained to me about it. I just told him that it was her decision and her decision was to just be friends. I even tried to comfort him and wrap my arms around him, but he just pushed me away and said that he wanted to be alone.

That's when I realized that he probably didn't care about me anymore. It also didn't help that someone who knew him told me that he didn't want to be around me. So I thought I had lost him and stopped communicating with him. He went back to talking to to me, but then I started ignoring him, not wanting to deal with him.

Maty had talked to me and said that he had been trying to talk to me about what happened and that he still cared. I didn't believe what she said until I heard it straight from Bobby, so she set us up to meet. I did come like she asked and he stood there also, only looking at me.

"Aimee, whatever you heard," he began. "It wasn't true. I'm sorry that I hurt you and I really do care about you."

I didn't want to cry in front of him, but I was already smiling and without any words, I walked up to him and hugged him, feeling his arms around me again. It almost felt like it had been forever since I had gotten a hug from him. Just when I thought he was gone, he came back.

Maty had transferred to a different school, so Bobby and I began getting close again. Everything had gotten back to normal, the same stuff we used to do and then it went downhill again.

He met certain people. And by certain people, I mean fucked up posers who think they're all cool and shit, but they just hide who they really are by skateboarding. Bobby had become one of them and he changed completely.

Instead of actually being with the friends that actually liked him for who he was, he was far too busy being with all the skaters and turned into a total asshole. I despised his new friends because they didn't know the real him. they were the reason why he had stopped talking to me again.

And what did Bobby do about it? He had the fucking guts to embarrass me in front of all of them. He shoved me away and told them how annoying I was. All I ever did was say "hi" to him, but apparently, he didn't want me to mess up his life and decided to play like I was crazy.

He didn't care anymore. I had lost him again and it got even worse. It was worse than when he met Maty and I hated crying about it every day when because I knew he turned out to be a fake. He wasn't a real friend and that made me furious because I never wanted anyone to cross the line of my trust. I had trusted Bobby, but he took advantage of that and just left me.

I thought that if I got him away from his friends and talked to him alone, he would listen to me. When I finally got him alone, he left me speechless because all he asked me was why I should talk to him. I wanted to just scream in his face and tell him that I was done, but I knew that would have no effect.

That night, I cried in my room. He hurt me even more and it was just unbelievable that it was him that said that to me. Who had replaced him and why would he treat me so badly?

I nearly couldn't breathe when he began spending time with this new girl. I didn't know her name, but it made me tighten my fist whenever I saw them hug and hold hands. The way he smiled and talked to her reminded me of the past.

That was it. I couldn't take it anymore and just had to talk to him, whether he liked it or not.

So when I saw him again, I grabbed his arm and hissed, "You need to listen to me now."

He used his same excuse. "I can't-"

"I hate how you try to get away from me," I confessed. "Okay, what did I do to make you hate me so much? Can't you see that your friends have changed you and that your old friends can't even stand you?"

"But I talk to them," he retorted.

I scoffed. "Yeah, when they get the chance. Other than that, you just see through us like we're shit. You really hurt me and I don't like going through this. When you made me look like an idiot, I didn't know what to do because I still cared for you. I don't want to lose you again, Bobby. Before you get away from me, I just want you to still think of me. I miss you and I want you to come back."

With that, I gave him one last hug and it almost made me cry because I hadn't received one from him in a long time.

"I love you, but I can't have you."

His expression looked sad and he stood there, speechless. I was far from him when I looked at him again, but for a moment, I could have sworn I saw him crying.

That was Friday. On Sunday, I was in my room and continued to listen to my music until my mom and dad came into the room, along with Bobby's parents.

I turned down the radio. "Oh, hi."

The song still was playing quietly while I studied everyone's expressions. I noticed the creased lines on their faces and how Bobby's mother's eyes were red and swollen, indicating that she had been crying. My smile turned intro a confused look and I had a feeling it was something important.

My mom sat down on the bed with me. "Aimee, we came here to talk to you about Bobby."

I had expected her to mention Bobby, the exact explanation to why his parents were here. The guess was that he probably told them about our conflict and how he wanted it to be fixed.

"What about him?" I asked.

Bobby's mom spoke up. "This might be a bit of a shock."

"Why?" I felt more confused. "Is something wrong? Is he hurt?"

"He isn't hurt," she continued. "Yesterday we came into his room and it was horrible. We....we found him hanging from the closet. A bicycle chain was hanging from his neck....he committed suicide."

If only sorrow could build a staircase

My heart had stopped and I was hyperventilating. Everybody around me seemed blurry and I began breathing harder and harder, nearly crushing my mother's hand. My dad kept repeating to me to calm down, but I just couldn't. Everything just crashed down on me and I was in complete disbelief, anger, and open-mouthed shock.

Or tears could show the way

"You're lying to me," I shook my head. "Don't lie to me, I hate it when people do that!"

"Aimee, she's not lying," my dad told me.

"Yes she is," my voice was shaking while I stood there trembling.

I would climb my way to heaven

"I know it's bad for you to know about this," my mom began.

"Bobby's just at home," I sounded like I was speaking to myself. "When I go there, he'll be waiting for me and I'll see his face, his smile..."

And bring him back home again

"Aimee, please, calm down," they were saying.

"No, I won't," tears were streaming.

This is suicide season

"He can't be dead," I raised my voice and began crying harder.

This is suicide season, my friend...

"No!" I buried my face into my mother's chest and let my tears fall while I broke down. My mother wrapped her arms around me as I sobbed and sobbed. Bobby was gone and I knew I would never be able to see him again. And it hurt me even more to remember that the last time I saw him was when he also had tears in his eyes.

I had numerous nightmares after that horrific day and they always consisted of me witnessing him killing himself. Seeing the chain wrapped around his neck and his motionless body swinging back and forth as his face was scarred and lifeless made me wake up screaming every night.

This was what I feared the most. I had been afraid of losing him and it was what happened. Bobby wasn't able to be with me ever again and I couldn't see his face. I always pictured the moment I last spoke to him, his face full of pain and sadness as I confessed to him about what I felt about how he changed. I didn't see his suffering deep within him and couldn't feel how much he was going through like me.

My series of traumatizing nightmares ended and I actually had one that was different and felt like it was trying to tell me something.

I was crying in my room, sitting on the floor and embracing my knees. I was begging and pleading for Bobby to come back to me, even enough for me to scream. When he didn't appear, I had given up hope and thought I should forget about him.

"Aimee..."

His voice made me shudder and I looked around for where the voice was coming from. I got up and turned to my mirror, seeing his faded figure look back at me like a reflection. Bobby's mouth was curled into a small grin and he began walking toward me, stepping slowly. I ambled to his direction also, worrying as if I paced quickly to him, he would disappear.

"Bobby?" I spoke.

"Hey," he held out his hand and I reached out to grab it. Despite his transparent form, I was able to touch him and it sent cold air through my body.

"Please don't go away," I begged. "I don't want to forget you."

"I want to stay," he assured me. "When you're here with me, I feel like nothing's missing. Aimee, I really missed you."

"This feels so real," I felt him put his arms around my waist and he also held my wrist, but let me lean on him. "You seem so real right now."

"You won't forget me, Aimee," he whispered. "I know you love me and that love won't let the memories go away. I left apart of me with you, now please promise me that you'll remember."

"I promise, Bobby," I looked down and saw that he was fading away.

He leaned in and kissed me passionately on the lips and held me close to him. I pulled away and let go of his hands, taking steps backward and watching him fade back into the mirror.

"Goodbye...."

My eyes opened and it was morning. His kiss left my lips tingling and I touched them lightly, feeling sure that the dream was real. It had to be because my wrist started tingling as well.

When I looked down at my wrist, there was a hand mark on it.

Bobby's parents gave me a small piece of paper that evening, saying that they had found it under his bed and that it was written for me. It was his suicide note and I found out that this was the part he had left for me. What he had told me in my dream was true and I received the message he had given me.

I read the top:

Don't Forget Me

The words he was telling me. I began reading the rest of the note.

Aimee~

I didn't see how much pain I had caused for you and it made me find the monster inside of me. That monster was stopped and it's the Bobby that you love again. But I felt that I didn't want to hurt you anymore and knew that my time was up. Please don't cry that I did this because I really do care about you and will be watching over you. As long as I can see your smile.
When it's your time, we will meet again and we'll be able to fall in love like we did when we met. The moments will come back, but well be able to love like it's forever. Forget about every single bad thing that happened to us because the good memories will block them and ward them off. You can erase them, but don't forget me.

I'll always love you,
Bobby

My eyes watered as I read the last words of his letter and I knew he'd be on my mind forever. Bobby still loved me and I still love him. I would remember everything about him. I would remember his voice, his face, but most of all, the kiss he had given to me. It was a real kiss because I knew he was there to watch over me to keep me safe.

I took the note and hung it up on my wall. On his note, I had written another message. My response that would speak so clearly that he'd be able to hear it himself.

I'll always love you,
Aimee