The Catch

Don't forget to write

No note, nothing. It's tearing our family apart. Alexa's death has forced her brother to grow up faster than a little boy should have to. It's pretty cliche'd, really. I've been acting the part of devastated mother in tears, unable to cope with the guilt. But I'm not just acting the part, it's real. I have no clue what I'd have done if I'd known, but I would have done something. I loved her, I still do, but now I'm seeing all of those little regrets. Those times when maybe she needed understanding in place of a firm punishment.

Chris insists it wasn't suicide. I don't know what it was, but I suppose it's irrelevant in the end. Either way, Alex needed help, and I didn't give it to her. A mother is supposed to provide for her children's emotional needs, but I guess I couldn't do that.

I went through her journals after it happened. If she were alive and found out, we would have had one of those long yelling matches. I guess she would have been right, she deserved some privacy for her thoughts at least. She didn't mention me much, I suppose I just wasn't as available as I should have been. I keep thinking that if we'd had a more open relationship I could have helped her through it... I wonder if Chris knew. Chris hasn't been talking much, I suppose it's pretty disturbing for your best friend to die so unexpectedly.

Now, my biggest fear is to make the same mistakes with Alex's brother as I did with her. I'm going to be there for him when he needs me, now. I always believed in a merciful God, but now I wonder why a merciful God would let someone like her leave this world so harshly. Maybe it's all in my head, Alex never did like to go to church. Maybe she was right.

She used to love that song... it was one by Blink 182. I've been listening to her music, trying to feel her. The one I'm thinking of is Adam's Song. There's a line that says, "Please tell mom this is not her fault". But there was no note, so I'll never know.