The Stars Are Fading Away

My heart is open
And willing
So take it

A week later, and neither of us had mentioned it. It drove me crazy. I needed, badly, to talk to Mason about what happened.

As I climbed the stairs to the lecture hall, I dialed Mason's number.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mason."

"Oh, hey."

"Could you pick me up after class?"

"Sure. What time?" he asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Five."

"Okay, see you then."

"Bye."

Two hours later, I packed up my laptop into my bag, stretching. I wasn't in the mood for lectures today; the notes I had taken were minimal.

I climbed down the stairs, seeing Mason's car near the building when I came out. I climbed in, dropping my bag in between the front seats. He smiled at me.

"Hi."

"Hey." I buckled my seat belt and leaned my head lazily against the headrest as Mason started the car. I closed my eyes. It had been a long day.

The car ride was silent. I wasn't in the mood for conversation.

We pulled into the garage and I immediately got up and went into Mason's room. He followed me in. I collapsed onto his couch, staring aimlessly at the ceiling and around the room. He moved my feet and sat down at the other end of the couch, putting my feet back on his lap.

"Did you call for any particular reason?" he asked, implying the question 'what has he done now?'

"No reason."

"Really?"

I stayed silent for awhile before I straightened up, leaning against the armrest. I looked at him, searching for words. He stared back levelly.

"Why did you kiss me?"

This clearly had not been what he was expecting. His mouth stuttered open, and he hastily closed it. His head turned to look in front of him, away from me.

After several minutes, I moved my feet off the couch and slid over to sit next to him, resting my head on his shoulder. His arm automatically wrapped around my shoulders. I waited for an answer, but it didn't seem like one was coming.

"I asked a question."

"Yup."

"Are you going to answer it?"

He chewed on his lip, pulling his ring back into his mouth. He let it go and opened his mouth to talk.

"I just… I don't know. I had the urge, so I did it."

"That's a stupid answer."

He smiled sheepishly. "I guess it is."

"What's the real reason?"

"That is the real reason."

I pulled back a little and looked at him seriously.

"Okay, do you have feelings for me?"

He seemed surprised by this too, and he looked away again. He pulled the ring back in his mouth again, shifting it around. His brow furrowed, and when he spoke he seemed like he was choosing his words very carefully.

"I care about you very much, Amber."

"That doesn't answer the question," I said quietly.

"The answer doesn't matter right now."

"It does to me."

He sighed and turned to face me.

"Yes. Okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?"

I met his eyes and they had a strange look in them, that I couldn't put my finger on. I quickly avoided his eyes and looked at the ground, processing what he said. He leaned back into the cushions of the couch, emitting a huge sigh. I looked sideways at him and saw his eyes were closed.

"Mason…"

"I get it. I won't do it again. I can't say I'm sorry, because I'm not."

I sighed. I knew I had hurt him with my reaction. After everything Mason had done for me, I was the one hurting him.

"I don't want to cheat on him. He's done everything, but he hasn't cheated," I said quietly.

His head snapped up, giving me a incredulous look.

"Amber… He has cheated on you."

My mouth dropped open. "What? Are you just saying that?"

His face softened. "No, I'm not. I wouldn't do that to you." He wrapped his arms around me. "I thought you knew. I'm sorry."

I was so shocked I didn't even realize the tears running down my face until I touched my cheek, feeling wetness. I pulled myself closer to Mason, holding on to him. I felt like he was the only stable thing in my life, the only thing I could depend on.

I had no idea how long I cried for, only that Mason held me the whole time, rubbing my back. When the tears had somewhat subsided, I managed to put together a sentence.

"How do you know?"

Mason answered carefully, not wanting to hurt me more. "Derrick told me. He saw him with some girl. He asked me if he thought I should tell you, and I said no. I thought you knew, I thought it would just make everything harder for you."

I swallowed and nodded numbly. I buried my face back in Mason's shirt.

"If he knew what this did to you…" Mason muttered.

There was silence for a few more minutes while I cried, before Mason put his finger under my chin making me look at him.

"Please leave him." His eyes were filled with not only concern, but hope.

I shook my head stubbornly, and the hope dropped out of his eyes.

"You still love him?" he asked quietly.

"No!" The answer surprised me as much as it did Mason. "You think I can still love him after this? I don't love him! I haven't loved him for a long time. When the hope ran out, all that's left was fear. I'm can't leave him. He won't let me. He'll find me."

"I wouldn't let him hurt you."

"You can't be with me every second of the day."

"Watch me."

I shook my head. "He'll find me. He'll hurt me worse than before."

"I won't let him."

"You're being stupid, Mason. I've thought about this for longer than you. He'd kill me if he got the chance."

Mason's mouth, so ready with his next reply, abruptly closed. He eyes flashed with anger and hatred so strong, it made me recoil.

"You can't let him control you like this. Just walk away. Trust me."

"I do trust you, Mason, but I know him better than you."

He looked at me, searching for a solution, a way out. I knew he wouldn't find one. I had tried this so many times. I had never found anything.

"Be with me, Amber. I'll keep you safe."

I exploded at him. "NO! DON'T YOU GET IT! HE WILL FIND ME AND KILL ME! YOU CAN'T STOP HIM! Just stop trying!"

"Stop trying like you've stopped trying?"

Anger boiled through me, and before I could stop myself I had slapped Mason across the face.

"At least I'm not trying to ignore the inevitable. I've accepted it. You're still in your own fantasy."

He glared at me. "I didn't deserve that."

Under his glare, I immediately felt scared. It happened faster than I could control it, a knee-jerk reaction. At once, the anger faded out of his eyes and horror took their place.

He rose from his seat. I had somehow stood up during all the yelling. My own yelling, not his. I tried to tell myself that this was Mason, that he would never hurt me, but I was still scared.

He touched my face hesitantly, as if afraid of startling me. When I didn't flinch, he pulled me into his chest.

"You were afraid of me." His voice was laced with horror and self-disgust.

He pulled back and took my face in his hands, bending down to look directly into my eyes.

"I promise you that I will never, ever hurt you, Amber."

I nodded and let myself be pulled into his embrace again. Everything he had said, and I had said had drained me of my energy, and I melted into him, leaning on him with all my weight.