The Stars Are Fading Away

The life I breathe for you gives to me new wounds

Amber's POV

Mason was shocked at what I said. He stared at me blankly, and I took the opportunity to get out of there. I jumped off the bed and ran out of the room before he could respond.

Derrick looked up when I burst out of his room.

"Can you take me home, please?"

Derrick was a little surprised, but he got up from his chair and began searching for keys. I went into Mason's room to get my things. When I came back out, he was right by the door.

"Amber, what–"

"Please, I just– I need to think." I stopped and took a deep breath. "I'll call you when I want to talk."

Mason nodded slowly. I went to walk to the garage door, but he put a hand on my arm and stopped me.

"Just… promise me you really will call."

His eyes looked earnestly into mine and I nodded my head swiftly before I hurried into the garage. Derrick was in the car parked next to Mason's. I climbed in the passenger seat and he started the engine. He looked behind himself as he put the car into reverse, backing out of the driveway. He swung his head back to look at the road. I slumped against the window. So much had happened in the last 24 hours, and I was exhausted. I glanced at the clock on the dashboard, and saw that one of my classes was currently in progress. I groaned, my head hitting the headrest.

The car ride didn't seem to take too long. Derrick parked in front of my dorm, but as I reached for the door handle, he locked the car. I looked back it him, wondering what was up.

"Are you going to rape me?"

He chuckled a little and shook his head. "No, but I think I deserve an explanation after I wake up to find you crying in my bed and sobbing about Mason, and then demanding to be driven home."

I bit my lip and sighed, leaning back in my seat.

"Mason and I… we…"

"Had sex?" Derrick suggested.

I sighed. "Yeah."

He grinned. "No need to sugar-coat it with me, Amber."

"Yeah…" I said, trying to avoid going into more detail.

"But there's more?" he guessed.

I nodded. "Mason thinks he took advantage of me, when obviously he didn't. It's just really… it's more than annoyance. He probably regrets it."

"I really, really doubt that, Amber. Mason's really protective of you. If we're teasing him about you or something, and we take it too far, he'll jump down our throats. He practically punched Coby in the neck once. He's just afraid of hurting you."

I nodded. "Yeah, I guess." Then I sighed. "Can I go now, I'm really, really exhausted."

"Sure." He unlocked the doors. Before I got out, he stopped me one more time.

"Take care of yourself, Amber." He looked into my eyes and gave me a small smile.

"Thanks, Derrick. Bye."

I went up to my room. I hadn't been in it for a week, which seemed odd. My phone sat on my desk where I had left it. I hadn't wanted to put up with calls, especially from Wren.

I say down in the chair and checked my messages. For the first two days, I only had a few texts from Grace, but the third day there had a missed call from Wren. They gradually increased during the week, and there were serveral angry messages left, the last of which was left only 20 minutes ago.

"I'm coming. I know you're there."

His voice was laced with anger and venom. A thrill of fear went through me. I wondered how he would react to my absense. Could I lie to him? Say something about my family?

I hardly think he would listen to explanations.

I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. I didn't know for sure what he would do, I told myself, but I really did. It was how he always reacted.

The door to my room opened, and I looked up. It was Wren, and he was fuming.

"Where the fuck have you been?"

"F-family emergency, my mom–" He interrupted me by grabbing my arm and lifting me out of the seat. I immediately fell silent.

"Don't lie to me." He pushed me, and I fell into the wall. I quickly got back up again, tears burning at my eyes.

He slapped my across the face. He hadn't been hitting my face lately, more so in places less visible.

"I guess you were too busy fucking other guys to even call me with some fucked up excuse."

I closed my eyes again and tried to stop my body from shaking.

He grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled me so I was nose to nose with him.

"Aren't even going to deny it?" And then he pushed me again, harder this time. I flew into the wall, my head slamming against my dresser. I collapsed in a heap on the floor.

He nudged me with his foot.

"Get up."

I didn't moved.

He nudged me again, harder, but I still didn't move. I felt him bring his foot back and he kicked my in the ribs. I gasped, them gritted my teeth together to keep from making any other sound. I heard his footsteps leave the room.

Sobs raked through my body, sending shoots of pain down my spine and across my side. My head throbbed and my face stung. I kept crying, still not moving.

I felt this time I had deserved it. I had cheated on him. Revenge was a bad idea.

I cried harder when I realized I didn't have an escape this time. I didn't want to call Mason. Everything would be awkward, and after everything he said I didn't want to talk to him.

I sat up against my dresser and hit my forehead hard against the drawer, in an effort to think. The throbbing in my head and the pain in my side made everything seem blurry at the edges.

I heard something fall from the dresser when I did this, and I looked to see what it was. It took me awhile to process the picture, but I finally got it.

A razor.

I took it in my hand, my fingers shaking. I'd never thought about doing this, but I pressed the blade to my wrist as if I'd done it many times before. It wasn't a deep cut, very shallow. It stung a little, but it wasn't what I wanted.

I took a deep breath and pressed it to my skin again, harder, just under the first cut. Blood poured out, and I felt the pain.

This is what I had wanted. No one was doing this to me. He wasn't doing this. I was. I could control this. I slowly gained control over my feelings as the blood trickled down my arm.

It made me feel like I could control at least one aspect of my own life, for once.

I got up and looked for something to stop the blood flow. I picked up an old shirt off the floor and held it against my wrist. I searched in my underwear drawer for the stupid first aid kit my mother had gotten me for college. It had stayed here since she'd given it to me 15 months ago.

I took it out and opened the box, looking for gauze. I found some, and wrapped it several times around my wrist, around both cuts. Then I went to the bathroom and washed the razor off. I hesitated at the door, where the trash can was, wondering if I should throw the razor away.

I took it back to my room and put it in the first aid box along with the gauze. I walked over to the bed and sat down, leaning against the wall, my feet dangling off the side of the bed. I starting crying again, tears pouring down my cheeks with no noise.

'Take care of yourself, Amber'