The Stars Are Fading Away

Many are the hours
I lie awake

I stayed over at Mason's house. I didn't really have a reason, but I did anyways.

Mason's arms were wrapped tightly, protectively, around my waist. As he fell asleep they slowly loosened.

I couldn't sleep. I stayed awake, thinking.

Mason's feelings were deeper than I'd thought. His reaction to my wrist was so unlike the one I had predicted. Not anger. Fear. I'd seen fear clearly in his eyes.

'It's bad enough that he hurts you without you doing it to yourself.'

I was still questioning my own feelings for Mason. I'd thought I'd been just friends with him, but clearly I'd been wrong. It felt good when he touched me, when he kissed me. Friends don't feel like that. I thought of kissing Derrick or Coby and shuddered.

How had I been so mistaken about my feelings? There was no butterflies, no blushing. Nothing that indicated a crush. There was no clear line when my feelings for Mason had changed. Maybe I had always had an attraction for him since I'd met him, but I hadn't noticed it. Was that possible?

I sighed and shifted, trying not to wake Mason. I looked at his face, so peaceful. His mouth had a tendency to fall open a little when he was sleeping.

Mason had just made everything worse. At first, he seemed like a blessing, a safe haven to run to. But now, everything was spinning out of control, including him. I couldn't hold on anymore. I had to get away from Wren, but I couldn't. Mason said I should just walk away. He thinks that would be good enough.

If I walk, Wren will always follow me. If I run, he'll catch up. If I turn around, he'll disappear, but if I keep my back turned he'll strike.

I wasn't putting it past him to kill me. What else was there left? I was his toy, once I wasn't fun anymore he would throw me away.

I could run, though. Not run like Mason was talking about. Run away. Get on a plane, go to a different state. Leave nothing behind. Leave my education, Grace, Coby, Bryce and Derrick behind. Leave my past, shut it away and forget.

Leave Mason.

That was why he was a curse. I couldn't leave because of him. It would crush him. After all he had done for me, I couldn't just leave him with nothing. I owed him that much. So much more than that. My life, many times over. My sanity.

And the other option.

It was doing the same thing, but it seemed more fair. No one would have me. I wouldn't lead a different life, I wouldn't lead a life at all.

I couldn't leave. I knew I couldn't. There really was only one option.

Suicide. I remembered, months ago, Mason's reaction to me even mentioning the word. I didn't want to put him through this. I didn't want to put my parents, or my friends through it. But the only difference between suicide and Wren doing it would be less pain for me.

I wondered what the best way to do it was. I always saw in movies people slitting their wrists and sitting in a cold bath. It was more dramatic that way.

I didn't want drama. I didn't want pain. I wanted it to be over with.

An overdose of pills? If someone found me, doctors would save me. Mason would be frantic. I'd probably be put in some rehab clinic.

A gun? A knife?

Who knew suicide would be this complicated? But then again, I make everything complicated. My life was a tangled spider web, too full of insects for me to navigate, too many things pushed at me at once. If I could just snip the web off of the tree branch. Even that was difficult.

Until four months ago, my life had been completely normal. What had happened? How had everything gotten so terribly out of my hands?

I wondered what there would be after. Would it be just floating darkness? Peace? Was there a God, or a heaven? I let my mind drift to the peaceful dreams of afterlife. I didn't realize tears had escaped my eyes until Mason's finger brushed them away.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly, his voice heavy with sleep.

"Everything," I answered truthfully. His hand stroked my hair, but for once this didn't comfort me. I cried harder. I cried for what I was going to do to him, what I would do to everybody. I tried to convince myself he would do better without me. He would find his own way. Mason didn't need me. He had never depended on me, I had always depended on him.

"Come on, Amber, if your going to cry at least give me a reason." He tried joking gently. He wiped more tears from under my eyes with his fingertips. I pulled my face away from him and buried my face in his chest.

"Amber, why are you crying? Everything's okay. I'm here."

Everything was not okay. How could he be so oblivious? How could he not realize what was staring him straight in the face?

"J-Just go back to sleep."

"I can't. Tell me what's wrong."

"I did." I rolled over so I was facing away from him and curled into a ball, ignoring the pain in my side. His hand gently fell on my shoulder, then he sighed and lay down again.

"You don't have to hide anything from me, Amber," he whispered.

He was right. I knew I would have to tell him. I couldn't hide it. I at least owed him a goodbye.

I'm willing to break myself
To escape this hell