The Stars Are Fading Away

And then I fell into pieces
And she fell into me

Every passing day brought me closer to snapping. Every ripple of pain through my side brought me closer to the inevitable.

Exams passed. I barely remember the stress that went along with them. And then it was Christmas, with my family. It whirled by. I didn't notice anything. Then I was back at campus, classes were starting tomorrow. It was too fast. Much too fast. Everything moving in a blur. Couldn't I enjoy it while it lasted?

January 28. It was January 28. So much time had passed. New classes. I didn't even remember what they were about. I remember going to Wren's flat. I remember he said something, but I don't remember what it was.

I snapped. I couldn't handle it.

I stormed out of the apartment, and for once he didn't stop me. I took the bus to Mason's house, everything suddenly in focus, edges sharp and bright.

I went through the front door and straight into his room. I saw a clock on my way. It was late. Later than I had thought.

"Mason, I can't put up with this anymore."

His head snapped up from his laptop where he was typing. "Amber?"

"I can't do this. I can't do this!" I was getting hysterical.

"Amber, calm down. What are you saying? You're leaving him?" His face brightened, almost like a child's.

I sighed, calming myself down. I spent a few seconds gathering myself. This was going to be difficult. "No. I… I can't live like this anymore."

"Then leave him."

"No." I sighed and closed my eyes.

His brow knitted, his face puzzled. Comprehension slowly dawned on him, but he was still disbelieving.

"Amber, you don't mean…"

"I do."

"NO." Shock covered his face. The shout was like a knee-jerk reaction. Shock gave way to anger, and all at once he was furious.

"YOU CANNOT DO THIS!" I wavered at his voice. So much anger. This time, it was directed at me.

"Mason, please just understand—"

"UNDERSTAND? WHY THE FUCK WOULD I UNDERSTAND? YOU'RE GOING TO—" He cut himself off, overwhelmed with fury. When he spoke again, it wasn't a yell.

"Why?"

"What?"

"Tell me why you're doing this." His voice was dangerous; it was scaring me. His eyes were closed and his fists clenched. He was trying to keep his voice level.

"Please calm down."

He opened his eyes, slowly. He took in my frightened expression and took a deep breath.

"Sorry," he forced out. His voice was still hard, and he was struggling to soften it.

I took a deep breath and started talking.

"I can't take it anymore. It's just getting worse. He'll kill me, Mason. I don't doubt it. If he thinks I do something bad enough–"

"Then just get out. Just leave him."

"I can't. I've told you, Mason. He'll find me."

"Go to court. You can get a restraining order. Put him in jail."

"It's not good enough."

"Then what is good enough? It would give you safety."

"Temporarily. He'd just get mad. He'd find me."

"Move before he gets out."

"I wouldn't even know for sure if he'd go to jail."

Mason's face twisted. "Are you kidding me? After what he did to you?"

"Lawyers can twist things around."

"He can't afford a lawyer! He dropped out of fucking college!"

"It's my life, Mason. What happened to that?"

"What happened is I care about you, and I'm not going down without a fight. You can't do this to yourself."

"Yes, I can. Don't fight with me about this. I've thought it out. I know what I'm doing."

"No, you don't."

"I am." His face contorted again, but he was still trying to stay calm. He took several deep breaths, then rummaged around in some drawers.

"Shit," he muttered, walking out of the room. He walked back in a few seconds later with a pack of cigarettes.

"YOU OWE ME." Derrick called after him.

"Shut up," he muttered again, mostly to himself. He shook out a cigarette and lit it, taking a long drag. He crossed the room and sat down on the couch. I stayed silent, watching him smoke one cigarette, then two, then three. He didn't speak.

After he finished his third, he got up and angrily started pacing the room.

"You can't stop me. Stop trying to."

"I won't stop trying."

"Mason…"

"What?" His voice was flat and hard.

"Just… Please don't make this hard for me. It's hard enough as it is."

"I'm sure as hell going to make it hard for you! You can't leave! I'm going to do everything I can to make it hard because you can't do this."

I turned to leave. I didn't care what he thought. I'd told him, I was doing this whether he approved or not.

Before I got to the door, Mason grabbed my arm and spun me around.

"Let go of me," I said in a harsh voice.

He loosened his grip, but didn't let go.

"Just let me talk to you. You don't have to do this. Please."

"You have talked to me. You made your opinion clear."

"Just listen." He released my arm, his gaze boring deep into my eyes.

"Fine. Talk."

He sighed heavily. All the anger seemed to drain away from him, and now he just looked tired and sad. He sat down on the couch and rubbed the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut.

"I have two younger siblings. They're twins. Jennie and Adam. Sophomores in high school. And I… have an older brother. Carter." He opened his eyes and looked straight ahead, focusing on the past.

"I looked up to Carter. We were only a couple years apart. I wanted to be just like him. He got me into the music I listen to. I idolized him. He taught me how to play guitar and drums. We messed around on a bass a couple times. I always thought he was so cool." His brows knitted again, thinking.

"Carter… In his junior year, maybe sophomore, I don't know. Anyways, in his junior year, he started getting into drugs. He would come home and smell like pot. My parents were gone a lot, they both have careers. They didn't notice. At first it was only a little, then it got more and more frequent. I'm lucky I didn't start taking it, to be like him. He never offered any to me. I think he didn't want me to get into it. He knew it was bad for him.

"And then it was more than pot. Cocaine. Heroin. Ecstasy. He started having a lot of money, all the time. I refused to think he was dealing, but it was obvious he was. Sometimes he would take me out and buy us stuff, just for the hell of it. He was still my brother. I thought this would be temporary.

"My parents still didn't notice anything. They were too wrapped up in their lives they couldn't even see their son's was fucked up." Bitterness leaked into his voice. I recalled him saying he and his parents weren't on good terms.

"At first it was just drugs. Heavier stuff, but just drugs. Near the end of his senior year, he let his grades totally slide. He murdered his records, but he didn't seem to worry about college. They'd fallen slightly over his junior year, but during senior he just dropped everything. Didn't pay attention. He started bringing girls home. They started out in his grade, kind of nice girls, but they got older and sluttier. And my parents still didn't notice. Instead of every couple weeks, it was a new girl almost every day. And he was depressed. Listless, when he wasn't stoned or fucking."

Mason hesitated to take a deep breath. I could see tears threatening to come out of his eyes.

"Over the summer he got even worse. Less girls, less drugs, but more depression. He took Jennie, Adam and I out a lot. He was really nice to all of us, he made an effort. In a lot of ways, he was like a father since our parents weren't around. He helped Adam with his homework when he wasn't too far gone. He was a good brother. He wasn't stupid. It wasn't a tragedy, or an accident."

Mason looked at me for the first time since he had begun talking, directly into my eyes. There was one tear rolling down his cheek.

"Carter committed suicide on July 23. An overdose of heroin, mixed with other things. Stuff I didn't even know he had. Meth." Mason took a deep, shuddering breath.

"I never knew how bad it really was. I blame myself everyday for what he did. I should have done more. I should have known." There more more tears now. He was crying, his head in his hands.

"Even more than I blame myself, I blame my parents. They were clueless. It came as a huge fucking shock to them, more to them than us. Even Jennie and Adam noticed. They knew something was wrong. I remember them asking him, and me. We always said everything was fine.

"Carter knew I knew. He didn't come to me for help. I was the little brother. He was too proud to ask me. It killed him. Because of his stupidity, and my stupidity and my parents inability to realize their son dying.

"He's gone, and he's not coming back."

I stood, in awe after this long, uninterrupted speech. I tried to say something, but I couldn't. Even if I could, what would I say?

He turned his gaze on me again. His face was stony, tear still running down it.

"I've already lost one person. Please don't make me lose another."

"Mason, I– I–" I still couldn't think of anything to say.

"Don't do this to everyone. What about Bryce? Coby? Derrick? Grace? Your parents?"

"They… They'll get over it."

Mason shook his head. "They'll never get over it. Never. You never get over this kind of thing. Jennie still gets nightmares. She and Adam both hate the people they live with. Their own parents. Carter tore the family apart."

Tears pricked at my eyes. I'd never thought of it this way.

"Suicide is the most selfish thing anyone can ever do." Mason stated harshly. "Taking themselves away from everyone who loves them, just because of their own problems."

"IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!" I shouted at him. I was surprised at myself, for yelling.

"Then what is it like?"

"I'M TRAPPED, OKAY? THERE'S NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO!"

"Leaving, just leaving everything would be better than this. Anything would be better. At least we'd know you were alive. It's haunting."

I searched for words, but couldn't find any, once again.

Mason got up and crossed the room, standing in front of me. He placed both of his hands on either side of my face, tilting my face up to look directly at him.

"What about me?" he whispered. "Think of what it would do to me. It would tear me apart, Amber. I wouldn't be the same for years. Years, Amber."

"You're exaggerating."

"I'm not." He brushed a piece of my hair back, and his expression changed to one of the saddest faces I had ever seen.

"I love you, Amber. Please, please don't do this."