The Stars Are Fading Away

You've got to swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise it's not as far as you think

Mason agreed to give me two weeks. Two short weeks, or he and Derrick would go after Wren themselves. Sometimes I wondered if I should just let them, but I knew it wouldn't work.

Nerves got the best of me, pushing me almost to the breaking point. My emotions were in a frayed at tattered state, and I knew if one thing went wrong it would send me flying over the edge.

I stayed at Mason's house.

Much like when I'd found out about Wren cheating me, I sat around. I wasn't thinking this time, I was really listless. I didn't know how I was going to manage it.

I think Derrick was almost counting the days until he was allowed to take a swing at Wren. He hated him, almost more than Mason did. But he, unlike Mason didn't try to restrain the hatred for my sake. He displayed it openly, he face clouding with fury every time his name was mentioned. Each time this happened, it was like another nudge to the brink.

It was halfway through the second week, and I still was clueless. I was growing frantic, my nerves stretched tight and quivering. I was a nervous wreck; I couldn't concentrate on anything for more than five minutes. I was afraid to be alone in the house, as if Wren could hear my thoughts.

Through all my paranoia and nervousness, Mason comforted me as he always did. It was worse for him, since he was the reason for it. He didn't revoke the restriction, however, because he believed it was for my own good. Every time he said that, it, too, brought me closer to the breaking point.

I ended up begging him to give me more time.

"Please, Mason I promise I'll do it, I just need–"

"I'm not giving you more time, Amber. Doing this is for your own good."

I nearly pulled my hair out of my scalp.

"WOULD YOU STOP SAYING THAT?" I nearly screamed at him.

"Okay, fine. That won't stop it from being true."

I wrenched myself away from him, tears pouring down my cheeks. I didn't know where they came from. I didn't know why they were there.

"If his was the best thing for me, would I be like this? Stretched to the limit? I can't take anymore Mason. I'll do it when I'm ready. All your doing is putting more pressure on me, and it's not helping. Can't I just wait? Why do you have to rush everything?"

"I'm not rushing it. I've been asking for months."

"'I'm not going to."

"Then Derrick and I will take care of it."

My face twisted in frustration again.

"God, Mason! What happened to it's my life?"

"It is your life, but if you want it to be any better your going to have to do something about it."

I reached foreword and shoved him. He barely moved, which just made me feel more helpless. More tears fell. His face was hard, but I could see underneath the mask he was hurting. He wanted to comfort me.

I collapsed on the couch, trying to find a way to reason with him. He sat down next to me and put on arm around my back.

"I'm sorry, Amber, but it's something you have to do."

"STOP TRYING TO CONTROL MY LIFE!"

"Do you want him out of your life?"

I squeezed my eyes shut. "Yes."

"Then it's what you have to do."

I pushed myself away from him, my breathing ragged. I opened the door, banging it on the wall and ran into the bathroom, locking the door. He followed me, knocking gently on the door.

"Amber? Please, just calm down, okay? It's not a big deal."

I knew he was right. It was what I needed to do. I was in denial. I didn't want to. I was afraid.

I sobbed, sitting on the bathroom floor against the door. A small thought told me that this was it, I was tearing apart at the seams. I was falling to pieces. Too much pressure.

I got up from the bathroom floor and leaned against the counter, in front of the mirror. My face was a mess, contorted with frustration and anger, tears running down my red cheeks.

My head fell into my hands. I tried to take deep breaths, but I had been crying for too long, too hard. I was hyperventilating.

Then I saw it on the counter. A razor.

Just like the first time.

It's like they found me by fate, when I needed it the most.

I picked it up. Probably someone's razor they used to shave. It had multiple blades.

I pushed it up to my forearm, but my hand was shaking too much. My arm was shaking too. I tried to steady myself, but couldn't. My vision was swimming. I was still hyperventilating.

I knelt down on the floor, in front of the counter. I pressed the razor to my forearm again. This time, it broke skin, four rough, jagged cuts from the blades and my shaking fingers. My breathing slowed slightly as I did it again. And again.

I became aware of Mason still knocking at the door, still pleading quietly with me. The tears had dried on my cheeks and the shaking had slowed. I sucked in one deep breath, then another. The buzzing in my ears was gone

I looked down at my arm, seeing blood running from the gashes. I sniffed and took another deep breath. I couldn't seem to tear my eyes away from the blood, pouring down, splattering on the floor. I'd made some deeper than I'd wanted in my panic.

I heard the lock rattling, sounding like someone was jimmying it. I turned my head, just in time to see Derrick swing the door open. He took in the scene, Mason peering over his shoulder.

"Oh, God. Oh, God, Amber. Are you okay? Oh my God. Oh my God. What did you do?" he spluttered, still processing. Mason's jaw was dropped behind him.

Derrick rushed foreword and knelt beside me. He grabbed the end of the toilet paper roll and yanked it roughly towards us, wrapping it around my arm. I had started to shake again, and the buzzing was back. There was so much blood… So much more than the first time.

"Amber, what—!" Mason started, but was cut off.

"No. Don't you see this Mason? She doesn't want to talk to you. You're putting too much weight on her. You need to back off. Get out."

"W–What?"

"Get out. She doesn't want to see you."

Derrick pulled me into his lap, his arms falling around me, tying a knot in the toilet paper and ripping off the end. My head lolled back on his shoulder. I was exhausted, so tired suddenly.

I barely heard Mason turn and leave. I felt Derrick's lips brush my ear.

"Amber, can you hear me? Are you still there?"

I tried to move my head, but my vision was blurring at the edges. I continued to feel Derrick's mouth move, forming words, but I could no longer hear them. The rest of my vision slowly faded, bringing me black and much needed rest.