Jung Und Nicht Mehr Jugendfrei

When he was a little kid, my now-gay brother asked my mom when he would turn into a girl.

True, he never did, but surely that didn’t stop him.

I remember walking in on him in our parents room when we were oh…eleven or twelve. He had on one of her dresses. I started laughing and teasing him, and made fun of him for over a week because of it.

Mom never found out about that. He just said he wanted to see what it felt like. I was going to tell everyone I knew so he’d get ridiculed at school too, but I wasn’t that mean. I was a good brother.

I remember when we were thirteen. He’d never had a girlfriend and I had had many of course.

“When are you going to get a girlfriend?” I asked him.

“Maybe I don’t want one.”

“Oh, come off it, nothing’s better than kissing a girl, touching a girl. And you got your brother’s genes don’t you? Girls are dying just to talk to you.”

He just shrugged and got back to what he was writing, probably a song or something, like he usually did.

When we were fifteen and went on tour, I caught him after a show making out with a fan. A guy fan. I hid to the side of the wall and watched the scene for ten minutes. It was so hot, and my baby brother looked so skilled that I had to run to the bathroom after that to relieve myself. I was so embarrassed it felt like I’d been caught watching porn.

I tried not to find him when he was missing. I was afraid I’d see something again and I’d do something I’d regret.

He was flamboyant, but he wasn’t openly gay. People dressed like him and guys wore makeup like him. It didn’t mean they were queer.

Usually he could talk to me about anything, but he never talked to me about girls, about being straight or gay or anything like that.

When we were sixteen he came out to mom. I was in the other room. They didn’t know. Mom was so accepting of him, after all he was her flesh and blood.

But surely parents have to feel bad when their son comes out. That means no grandchildren from them, no hope of a good marriage and a nice, pretty daughter-in-law. And even more surprising for mom because I know she didn’t think I would ever get married.

That night I cried enough for me and mom both. My brother was still my flesh and blood too.

I shouldn’t have been sad. It was the way he was born.

But part of me felt betrayed. He should have told me first, I was his big brother, a shoulder he could lean on.

Over the next few years I caught him reading written gay porn, all sorts of slash on the internet, and one night I crept into his room and read all his personal emails. I was so disturbed I had to leave the house, find some poor girl to screw senseless to get it off my mind.

I was almost starting to be afraid of my own, sweet brother. I was afraid he’d try something on me considering our schedules didn’t have room for a relationship. Why do you think I have one night stands with so many girls?

A few months later he pulled me into the back of our tour bus. “There’s been something I want to tell you,” he said, fear set upon his face. I could see it even though he didn’t look at me. I think he was afraid to. He was afraid of rejection.

“I know you know I’m…gay,” he sighed. “I never had to tell you. Because you’ve known forever, since we were eleven.”

I was kind of taken aback.

“Why didn’t you talk to me about it?”

He looked up at me. “I was afraid.”

“Oh you didn’t have to be afraid! I’m always here for you.”

He smiled for a moment and then it faded.

“Do you know its you that gives me these feelings?” he whispered. “I kiss guys and I pretend its you, like some sick little twin fantasy.”

I didn’t say anything.

“See mom said she dropped me on my head when I was a baby and this is probably why I’m all fucked up now and now I just kinda told you I’m in love with you but you’re staring at me like a belong in a crazy house because hell, you’re my brother and now nothing is ever going to be the same between us again…”

I put a finger to his cool lips and smiled.

“You’re right. Nothing will be the same between us again,” I said, feeling my body tingle as I looked into irresistible eyes.

He sighed sadly.

I brought my hand down onto his thigh and leaned in to give him a quick peck on the lips, slightly afraid, but a burden lifting off my shoulders.

He was my brother after all.

He smiled wide and kissed me back with vigor.

Nothing would be the same after all.

Didja guess my brother’s name was Bill Kaulitz?