I Find Myself in You

“Why would it have something to do with me?” I asked warily as I sat on my bed.

I heard Nick sigh. “Hmm, maybe cause you guys get back and he locks himself in his room without eating.”

I sighed. I hoped this wasn’t because of what had happened, though that wish seemed far fetched. “Did he say anything?” I asked.

“Nope,” Nick said. “He just went right to his room. So what the hell happened?” I cringed, though his tone wasn’t angry or accusing. It was just concerned, concerned for his brother.

“N-nothing,” I stammered.

“Come on Lain, tell me,” Nick begged. “This is weird.”

“Um--,” I said, not really knowing what to say. I didn’t want to say anything. Because that would mean we weren’t forgetting about it, which is what we both wanted to do. Or at least that was what I wanted. I felt guilty. Joe was amazing. I should like him. But I just – didn’t. I had never looked at him that way. I heard Nick sigh, waiting for my response. I was saved as my call waiting beeped. “Other line Nick. I’ll call you back.”

“Okay,” he said, before hanging up.

I picked up the other line. “Hello?”

“Hey Lainey,” Demi’s ecstatic voice came through the phone.

“Hey Demi,” I said warily. I hadn’t given her my number. I didn’t mind that she had gotten it. But it was how. Because calling at this particular time meant there were too many motives for this call. “What’s up?”

“Kevin asked me to call you,” she said.

I sighed. Stupid Kevin. “Oh, why?” I asked.

“He wanted to know what’s wrong with Joe,” she said. “And he thinks you’d know.”

Of course he does. “Um, I don’t know,” I said.

“That’s what I told him,” she said. “But he said Joe is being all quiet is stuff. I tried to remind him that Joe isn’t hyper all the time. He [i[does have a serious side.”

Hmm, I thought about her tone. It was way too suggestive. I cut her off. “Demi, do you like Joe?”

“What, me? Psh, wh-, huh, me? No,” she stammered.

I laughed. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Fine. But don’t tell him, okay?” she asked. “I don’t want it to be weird between us. He’s still one of my closest friends. And I know you’re practically his best friend now, and I know it’s asking a lot, but—“

“I won’t I promise,” I interjected. Demi was amazing, but her rants reminded me of my old friend Kathleen from before I got famous. They were entertaining, but hardly comprehendible because of how fast the words were coming out.

She sighed in relief. “Thanks Lainey.”

“No problem,” I smiled. I knew there was something going on. And I promised myself that I would make something happen. Demi was way too sweet for Joe not to like her. “It’s cute.”

“Do you think he likes me?” she asked. “I mean, he would tell you, right?”

“Um, I’m not sure,” I said. I didn’t want to say anything about the almost kiss. Because it hadn’t happened. Besides, we were forgetting about it. But I couldn’t exactly tell her he liked her too when he had tried to kiss me.

She sighed. “Joe is so confusing.”

“You’re telling me,” I mumbled.

“What?” she asked.

“Nothing,” I said. I looked at my nightstand, and saw a big envelope. Looking inside, I saw the script Flannery had told me about. I sighed. They were so eager to control my life. I felt like my whole body was being pulled by strings. I was a puppet. Knowing how it had happened before, I knew I would probably have to do this part. When did I ever get a choice?

“But I’m supposed to find out what happened to him,” she reminded me.

“Hmm, tell Kevin and Nick to ask Joe,” I suggested. “I’m not a rocket scientist, but I’m pretty sure that’ll work.”

Demi laughed. “Okay,” she said. “Hey, I have to go. Sound check. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Okay, bye,” I said, hanging up.

I sighed, and looked down at the script I was holding. I refused to give in this time. I would hold my ground. I wasn’t ready yet. I wasn’t me again. I sighed, and walked over to where my guitar was, bringing it back to my bed. I took a deep breath. “People say, that the world is like a stage. They’re so confused, the roles I play. I’ve been away from home for so long that I, I almost forgot where I belong.” I stopped the strings with my hand, and sighed. Why was my life so screwed up? Wasn’t I supposed to be living the dream? Where had it all gone wrong? I refused to think it was just because of Jesse.

I heard a knock on the door. “Lainey,” Flannery said.

“Go away,” I said.

“Lainey, I really need to talk to you,” she said.

I sighed. “Fine, come in.”

She opened the door and walked in. “Thanks.”

“What is it?” I asked impatiently.

She sighed and walked over to sit on my bed. She looked at the script. “You’re going to do it then?” she asked.

“No,” I said firmly. “What do you want Flan?”

She sighed. “Lainey, you need to understand.”

“Understand what Flannery?” I asked bitterly. Why she was controlling my life? Why she was acting like mom?

She looked at me. “Lainey, you’re so talented. You have so much potential. You can sing and act. You’re amazing.”

“And complimenting me is supposed to make it okay for you to be controlling me?” I asked, rolling my eyes.

She groaned. “No Lainey. It’s more than that. You just don’t get it. Your music, it touches people. You write songs that really inspire people, songs that people can really relate to. And you don’t understand that that isn’t gone.”

“I know it’s not gone,” I said quietly. “It’s – just taken a vacation.”

She smiled slightly. “Talent doesn’t take a vacation, and it doesn’t leave. You just – you need inspiration. And as your sister, I want so badly for you to get that. I want to help. But I can’t. I don’t know how. And I think that pushing you into the world, pushing you to this movie, maybe something will happen, and you’ll be inspired again.”

I kept my mouth shut about the songs I had written recently, knowing they were probably crap. I mean honestly, I’m Just A Girl? Obviously. I mean, I’m not a guy. I sighed, looking at my sister. “That’s really – nice of you Flannery,” I said. And it was – in her demented way. I mean, I guess I could see where she was coming from. She just wanted to help me. “But I – I need to do this my way,” I said. “I need to get better on my own.”

“Get better?” she asked. “Lainey, you’re not sick. You need to just get out there and do something. Do something you love, like I know you love acting. And you can get out of this slump. I know it.”

I sighed, looking at the script. I knew I was being coaxed into doing it. But I wasn’t going to give in – yet. “I’ll think about it.”

She smiled. “Great.” She got up and walked to the door. “Dinner will be in 20 minutes. One of the Jonas boys called for you, and I invited them over for dinner. They were having spaghetti and syrup. Can you believe it?” She shuddered.

I laughed as she left. But then I remembered something. Them coming over meant Joe was coming too. I prayed it wouldn’t be awkward.