I Find Myself in You

"Close your mouth dear," my mom said, rolling her eyes as she stepped into the house. "You look like a frog."

I shut my mouth and closed the door behind her, following her speechlessly to the dining room.

"M-mom?" Flannery stammered, standing as our mom came in. "What are you doing here?"

"Since you obviously can't get the job done," my mom said, her tone aggravated. "I'm here to finish it."

Joe, Nick, and Kevin were gaping at her, obviously taken back by our mother. I wasn't surprised. She had that impression on many. She finally seemed to notice them. "And who are they? Freeloaders? Flannery, you know better."

Nick and Kevin just exchanged a look. Joe was too busy still staring at her. Knowing him, he probably remembered her from before I got famous. I wondered what he was thinking of her transformation from mom to boss.

"This is Nick, Joe, and Kevin," I introduced. "They're in that band the Jonas Brothers."

My moms expression changed altogether, a smile coming onto her face. I could only imagine what she was thinking. Celebrities, teen idols, teen heartthrobs, headline toppers. With her, the possibilities were endless. "Oh pardon me boys," she said sweetly. "How marvelous that you can keep my girls company here. They must get so lonely."

"Maybe we should go," Nick said, standing.

"We're fine," Flannery said. "And you can stay." Her tone made him sit quickly.

"Fine," my mom laughed. "If you're so fine Flannery, then tell me why Lainey is refusing to go on this audition."

"Because I don't want to," I suggested.

"So what do you want then Lainey?" she asked harshly. "You want to be famous. Then you don't. You want to go out with that McCartney boy. And then you don't. You want people to take you more seriously as an actress. And you don't. You don't know what you want."

I winced at her words and tone. It was true. I didn't know. I wanted to sing, but I wanted to do it on my terms, not someone else's. I wanted to act, but not till I was ready. Everything she was saying was true. It just hurt more when she said it because there was no kindness in hr words. They were cold hard truths. "I want time to decide what I want," I said quietly.

“Time,” she scoffed, throwing her hands up. “Honey, there is no time. In this business, you can become a has been in two seconds. No, you need to be at the top of your game always out there at all times to stay where you are. Otherwise, boom,” she snapped her fingers. “It’ll all go away.”

“Not taking this movie role doesn’t mean there won’t be others in the future,” I said.

“But who will cast you?” she asked, rolling her eyes. “You’re at your prime Lainey. You need to take the necessary steps to stay there, otherwise, how on earth will you land such roles as this?.”

“Lainey’s talented enough,” Joe said quietly.

Everyone looked at him. His face turned red quickly as he looked down at his hands before briefly stealing a glance at me. I smiled at him lightly. He had no idea how he was about to be eaten alive.

“Talented?” my mom scoffed. “Talent only gets you so far. And then your name is everything. You guys are talented, but what do you think makes you sell so many CDs? The fact that little girls everywhere know your names and are in love with you.”

“Mom, please,” I said, sighing and rolling my eyes. Nick and Kevin looked uncomfortable now. Joe was just staring at me. I sighed. “Um, you know what guys? What about I meet you at your house later for a movie or something?”

Nick nodded eagerly, and they got up quickly. Joe lagged behind, stopping in front of me, throwing me a reassuring smile before following his brothers out. I couldn’t help but feel comforted. He believed in me, and somehow, that made up for everything else. My mom and my sister were quiet until they heard the front door close gently.

“You’re getting too attached,” my mom observed. I looked at her, confused. She rolled her eyes at me. “That boy and you, you’re getting too attached.”

“We’re friends,” I said quietly.

“Friends,” my mom scoffed. “That boy is madly in love with you.”

“He is not,” I rolled my eyes though something told me she might be right. Joe had kissed me. He had been hurt when I didn’t kiss him back. He remembered me from before I was me. He knew me better than I knew myself, as cliché as it sounded. Maybe he did have feelings for me. But I didn’t return them. I knew it would be great if I did, that he’d treat me right, and I’d be happy. But I just – didn’t. Jesse still held too much of my heart for me to look at any other guy, even as great a guy as Joe.

“Please,” my mom chuckled. “Is that why you’re back in this hell hole? To be with that kid? Honey, their fanbase is a bunch of 12 year olds. You need someone greater to make headlines.”

“Not everything is about publicity,” I said coldly. “And it doesn’t matter anyway, because we’re just friends.”

“Whatever,” my mom said, flipping her hair over her shoulder. I sighed. Of course she didn’t care. She never did unless it involved me making money or making the front page. “Look Lainey, I’m all for this self searching expedition you’re on. Really, I am. It looks great. Teen sensation looks for roots in home town. We can really work with that. But you stopping auditions and work are unacceptable.”

I groaned. “Mom, for one second think of this as your daughter’s problem, not your client’s.”

“I am honey,” she said. “But I have to do both. As your mother, I know what’s best for you mentally and physically. As your agent, I know what’s best for your career, and cutting yourself off from everything is not the way to go.”

“Mom, maybe—“ Flannery started, but she was cut off.

“Flannery, hush,” my mom said before looking at me. She put her sunglasses on and stood up. “Now I have to go. But you will be at that audition. You will do your best. And you will stop acting like the world revolves around you. Because honestly, you’re nothing without any of the stuff we do here.”

Flannery and I watched silently as she left, slamming the door behind her. Flannery looked at me sympathetically. I knew she was regretting everything she said before now. That was how it always was though. Flannery would be like mom’s right hand girl, pitching her ideas and thoughts. But when it didn’t work, my mom would show up, order me around, and leave. And Flannery would immediately regret all of it. I was sick of it. I stood up and headed towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Flannery asked from behind me.

“To Joe’s,” I said, wanting to go to the one place I wouldn’t have to think about this, the one place I felt like me. I turned and looked at her. “I'm still not doing it," I turned on me heel and left, slamming the door behind me.