I Find Myself in You

“Lainey, hey,” Kevin hugged me as he opened the door.

I smiled. “Don’t worry, the big bad monster is gone.”

He smiled timidly. “Your mom was definitely—.” He seemed at a loss of words.

“Evil?” I smiled. “Yeah I know. But luckily she’s gone.”

“Is she really making you do that part?” he asked as he closed the door behind me.

I sighed. “She’ll try. But I don’t care. I’m not doing it.” He nodded understandingly. “So where’s the Joester?”

“In his room I think,” he said, walking to the living room.

“Thanks,” I said, and walked up the stairs. I sighed. What was I going to do? I didn’t want to do this part. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know why. But this part – it wasn’t for me. I didn’t know why. But I had a feeling Joe would. I knew he would be able to tell me what I was feeling and why. He always did. I opened his door, but no one was in there. I sighed, and went in, sitting on his bed. I looked around the room. It was kind of cozy. Everything was a clutter. There were clothes everywhere, and a lot of hair products. I was guessing he had more of them than I did. The thought made me smile slightly. I froze as my eyes wandered to the nightstand. I saw a picture there, a picture that I never expected. I saw me from years back. Recognition hit me hard. It was my final show back at school before I moved to California. I picked up the picture and almost dropped it. Joe was in the picture too. His arm was around me. The picture – we were taking it together? I didn’t even remember this part. I just remembered the show, and listening to my mom go on about our full schedule afterwards. When had we taken this picture? I didn’t even remember Joe from before.

I sighed. Maybe there was more to these feelings of Joe’s than I thought. This was getting too dangerous. My mom was actually right for once. I was getting too attached. I got up quietly, hoping I could leave without attracting any attention. I needed to get out of here, and quickly. I needed to think. I needed to figure out what was going on in my head. But then I heard them. I froze as I passed Nick’s room, the door slightly ajar. I heard Joe’s voice in there too. I knew eavesdropping was wrong. But I did it anyway.

“What the hell’s wrong with me?” I heard Joe ask.

Nick took a deep breath. “Nothing’s wrong with you dude. You’re just retarded.”

“Thanks bro, really helpful,” Joe said, his voice thick with sarcasm. I knew he was probably rolling his eyes. “Seriously though, I mean, I should just come out and tell her, but she didn’t kiss me back, which means rejection is like ten fold now, and with the movie, she’s probably going to leave, and fall in love with Chace fucking Crawford, and that’ll be the end of my one sided love story.”

I swallowed hard. One sided love story? As in he did have feelings for me? As in I was getting way too attached to a guy who I didn’t return those feelings for? Was I leading him on? I hadn’t meant to. But then, that picture in his room – it was from so long ago that I didn’t even remember taking it, and yet he had it on his nightstand. Maybe he was the one getting too attached.

Nick was quiet for a moment. “I don’t think she’s going to take that part,” he said finally.

“Why the hell wouldn’t she?” Joe asked. “It’s perfect. And you saw her mom. She’s sadistic and ballistic and basically every kind of ic there is, including just ick. How the hell is she going to not take that part?”

“Cause she doesn’t want it,” Nick suggested.

Joe took a deep breath. “You don’t know her man.” Like he knew me? “She says she doesn’t, and maybe she doesn’t. But she sure as hell doesn’t know what she wants. She’s so lost. It’s like she fucking drowning at sea.”

He was right. I was drowning. I had lost all hope of rescue. I didn’t know what I wanted, or needed, or even who the hell I was. I didn’t know anything anymore. I was lost at sea.

“And you’re going to be the one to save her?” Nick asked, his tone sympathetic.

“I didn’t say that,” Joe said quietly.

“But you meant it,” Nick said. He took a sharp breath. “Joe, Lainey’s amazing. She is. But you’re too obsessed with her. She’s like a drug for you. She’s all you see.”

I felt a tear rolling down my cheek. I was doing this to him. I was screwing him up.

“That’s not true,” Joe said defensively. “I see other things.”

“Right,” Nick said. “Look Joe, you’ve been crushing on this girl since we actually went to high school. Maybe you should just accept that nothing may happen.”

“I don’t think anything’s going to happen,” Joe countered. Nothing was going to happen. It couldn’t. I loved Joe as a best friend, as he had become to me in the fast week or so. But that was it. I wasn’t harboring deeper feelings for him, even if I wished I was right now. Joe was an amazing guy, an amazing guy I didn’t even deserve right now.

“So you aren’t completely in love with her?” Nick asked. I could tell from his voice that it didn’t matter what Joe said.

I stepped back, not even wanting to hear Joe’s answer. I couldn’t. I was hurting him too much. I ran down the stairs as quietly as I could and headed for the door.

“Leaving so soon?” Kevin asked from the doorway to the living room.

“Um yeah,” I said. “I have to go um – rehearse.”

“Rehearse for--?” He voice was slow.

“The part,” I said unwillingly. “Turns out I’m going to go for it after all.”

“Did Joe convince you of that?” Kevin asked, his eyes wandering up the stairs briefly.

“No,” I said quickly, too quickly. “I think that the distance, I mean, um – change might be good, you know? For everyone.”

He didn’t say anything as I gave him one last smile before leaving and closing the door behind me. Yes, change. Change was good. I needed change. I needed to give Joe a chance for change. And the only way that was going to happen if I was far away – far, far away. I didn’t know what I wanted, but I knew I didn’t want to stay here anymore. I walked in the house and walked to Flannery’s room. “Are you coming with me for the audition?” I asked.

She looked confused. “You’re going to do it?”

“That’s what everyone wanted, isn’t it?” I asked, my voice monotone. I was an actress, yes. And I would act when the time called upon me. I would make sure I got that part. But I didn’t have to act now, and that meant I didn’t have to act like I was happy.