I Find Myself in You

“What if we change the third song to Hey Baby?” Nick asked, working on our line-up for our upcoming tour.

“I guess,” I shrugged, not really caring as I tossed a ball back and forth with Kevin.

“And maybe Paranoid after that,” Kevin suggested.

“Hmm yeah that could work,” Nick said. “What do you think Joe?”

“Whatever,” I said, distanced.

Nick sighed. “Joe seriously, just call her.”

“Yeah man,” Kevin said. “Stop mopping around. It’s kind of depressing.”

“I’m not mopping,” I said defensively. “And I don’t know who you’re talking about.”

“Right,” Nick rolled his eyes. “It’s been weeks Joe. Just call her. We haven’t seen you like this since you broke up with Mandy.”

“I’m not like anything,” I said.

Kevin threw me my phone. “Call,” he insisted.

I took the phone but rolled my eyes. No way was I going to call – that person. I wasn’t even going to think about – that person. She had left without a word and then went back to that cheating--. I stopped myself from thinking about it. No way was I going to call her. Truth was, I loved her. I loved her more than anyone I had ever met, and she had deserted me. I wasn’t mad that she didn’t return my feelings, for many years my love had been unrequited. But she hadn’t trusted me enough to be able to handle that, and that just --, I sighed. No, I wouldn’t think about it again.

“Call her,” Kevin repeated.

“I’m not calling her,” I said firmly.

“Joe, just give,” Nick started.

But I cut him off. “No,” I said. “I’m not calling her.”

My brothers exchanged a glance and sighed, shaking their heads, but not saying anything. Nick picked up the song sheet paper again. My phone starting ringing. Lainey. I sighed, and turned my phone around on the table. She could call as many times as she wanted, I was not going to pick up.

“Dude, you’re killing her,” Nick said, knowing who it was without me even saying.

“At least pick it up,” Kevin said.

“Can you guys mind your own business?” I rolled my eyes.

“We’re just trying to help,” Nick put his hands up defensively.

“Yeah, I mean not talking to her is kill you too,” Kevin said.

The phone stopped ringing. I sighed, relieved. She had called many times, but I just couldn’t pick up. I had tried once, and hung up before even she could even say anything.

“You miss her,” Nick said.

“She’s in California,” I said, shrugging. “It doesn’t matter.”

“But, we’re going to California this week,” he said. “To get ready for the tour.”

“So you’ll see her then,’ Kevin said. “Besides, dad’s trying to get us to record a song with her.”

Wait, what? Since when? It didn’t matter anyway, though .”She’s still with Jesse.”

“For now,” Nick shrugged.

“Yeah, I mean the guy cheated on her,” Kevin said. “She’s not going to be with him for long.”

“Why is she even with him?” Nick inquired.

I didn’t say anything, wondering exactly that. Why was she with him? After everything he had done to her? I couldn’t believe it, no matter what songs she wrote now. Yeah I had heard her song, but still. I didn’t understand this. I couldn’t.

“Oh he probably has something on her,” Kevin suggested.

“What?” Nick and I asked.

“Think about it,” Kevin grinned. “He’s still in love with her, so what does he do? He blackmails her.”

Nick and I exchanged a look. “Even if that was true,” Nick said. “What is he blackmailing her with?”

---

“Hey baby,” Jesse kissed my cheek from behind as he sat in the chair across from me at the small outdoor restaurant he had asked me to meet him. Personal appearances and all, damn him. “Sorry I’m late. I was laying down some tracks.”

“How’s the album coming?” I asked, feigning interest as I smiled. Even from here I could hear the clicks from the multiple cameras shooting in our directions.

“Pretty good,” he sighed. “It would be better if you recorded a song with me though.”

I almost gagged on my lemonade as I leaned in close to my boyfriend, a flirty smile still plastered on my face. “I wouldn’t record a song with you if you were the last performer on earth,” I told him.

I saw his smile falter briefly before his return expression was devious. “Ah ah ah,” he wagged his finger at me. “Such tones go against our deal.”

“What deal?” I laughed quietly. “It would only be a deal if I had voluntarily agreed to it. Forcing me to put on this show makes it blackmail.”

He laughed. “You are too adorable,” he said loudly. “How did I ever become so lucky as to be able to call myself your boyfriend?” He leaned in to kiss me.

My expression was unreadable when he finally pulled away. “Putting on shows doesn’t change the fact that this is still just that, a show,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t know what you’re trying to get out of this, but it’s sick, and you’re pathetic.”

“And yet your Jersey lover is the one not returning your calls,” he smirked at him.

I gapped at him. “How did you—“

“Know?” he finished. “You really shouldn’t leave your phone attended if you don’t want people to search it.”

“I will now,” I promised.

He laughed. “So sassy, I like it.”

“Bite me,” I rolled my eyes.

“Oh gladly,” he winked at me.

“Gross.”

He smirked. “Speaking of,” he said. “I heard the little tween boys are coming into town.”

“What?” I asked, taken back. “They’re coming to L.A.?”

He shrugged. “Doesn’t change anything,” he said. “You know our deal. You cannot be alone with Joe in public, ever. Any rumors and I swear I’ll out you both.”

“Your idle threats don’t scare me,” I said quietly.

“And yet you’re succumbing to my every demand,” he called my bluff. He kissed my cheek again before he got up. “See you later dollface. I have an appointment with the label in 5.”

I didn’t say anything as I watched him leave. Joe was coming back here? Maybe then we could finally talk again, though he still hadn’t returned any of my calls. God only knew the things he could come up with to avoid me here.