I Find Myself in You

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Jesse asked Joe as we stood on his doorsteps when he opened the door for us. Anger was written all over his face. I really hoped this did not turn violent. I would not be able to deal with that.

I took a deep breath. “You wanted to talk?” I asked him, trying to keep my voice from wavering.

“To you, not your Disney bitch,” he spat.

Joe took a step forward. “What did you say?”

“You heard me,” Jesse stepped forward as well.

“Please,” I interjected. Panic crossed my face. “Please guys don’t fight. Can we please just talk Jesse? Joe just came with me, that’s it. It doesn’t mean anything. Please?”

He looked at me for a second, his expression softening for a second before anger took its place again. He stepped back in, walking into his house, leaving the door open for us. We followed him into his living room where we all sat down.

Joe sat close next to me. Jesse was looking back and forth between us. “What the fuck was that Lainey? How the fuck did you just have Miley do that shit? You’re going to ruin me.”

“Kind of like you threatened to ruin me if I didn’t stay with you?” I asked him quietly.

“That was different,” he said slowly.

“How the hell was that—“ Joe started, but I stopped him. I knew Jesse would not tolerate Joe talking.

“It wasn’t different Jesse,” I said. “You were locking me in a cage and I did what I had to do to get out.”

“Being me with was that fucking bad?” he asked, bitterly. “So fucking horrible that you ran into the arms of the Disney faggot here?”

“Excuse me?” Joe asked, getting heated now.

“Please,” I put my hand on his arm. I turned to Jesse. “Don’t talk about Joe like that. You don’t know him, just like you obviously don’t know me anymore. It wasn’t being with you. It was living with everything you did. You really expected me to be with you after you cheated on me with my best friend?”

“I told you it was an accident,” he roared.

“And I gave you another chance,” I reminded him. “You blew that one too.’

“You know what,” he said, fuming. “You want this to be over so badly? Fine. Just remember that you didn’t even know who you were when I met you. And when we were going out, I had to take so much care of you. What the fuck are you going to do without me?”

I cringed. It was true. I had relied on him so much when we were together. I had relied on our false relationship to make it seem like I was happy. I relied on our acting to make it seem like everything was okay. He helped me before concerts. He helped me write my music. He helped me do basically everything. And then, just like that, that was all gone. And I had to fend for myself, just as I did now. “I’ll survive,” I said quietly. “If I’ve learned anything in this business, it’s how to adapt. And I can adapt to being without you. In fact, I already have.”

“Have you?” he laughed. “It seems like the only thing you’ve adapted to is Joe here.” He smirked at me and Joe. I flinched but kept my gaze on Jesse. Next to me, I felt Joe tense. “You think you’re so strong, but in fact, you’ve just gone from one pair of strong arms to a weaker but seemingly strong pair.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Joe said coldly. “Lainey can do it on her own.”

I didn’t say anything. Was that true? Was I just hanging onto Joe now? Depending on him? No I refused to believe that. I was finding myself again, standing on my own two feet. Yes, Joe had helped me get here again, but it was all me now. Wasn’t it?

Jesse laughed now. “If you say so,” he said.

“Obviously you need reinsurance since you needed her to pretend to be your girlfriend so you wouldn’t be on your own,” Joe said bitterly. “It sounds to me like you’re trying to make up for something.”

Jesse stopped laughing at once. “You don’t even know what you’re talking about. You don’t know me or why I did anything.”

“Why don’t you enlighten us then?” Joe smirked.

“Actually, I think it’s time you both left,” Jesse stood up.

Joe and I followed suit. No way was I dying to stay here any longer. I grabbed Joe’s hand and led him to the door. I stopped in front of the door, and turned around to speak to Jesse one more time. “I’m sorry this is how it turned out,” I said quietly. “Whether you take my word for it or not, I truly never meant to hurt you. I really loved you Jesse. And that never completely goes away. But you hurt me too deeply, and maybe you did throw me off balance for a bit, but I am back. And I don’t need you anymore. I hope that we can be friends one day.” By his face, I could tell that it was probably unlikely. I sighed, turned and left.

Joe hugged me as soon as we were outside. “You did great,” he said against my hair.

I shivered at his touch, something that had never happened to me before. “I’m just glad it’s over,” I said.

He nodded and pulled away, leading me to the car. “So fifty bucks says that that little picture ends up on perezhilton with some headline like teen sensation leaves cheating bastard for hot hunk.”

I laughed, getting in the car. “Right and let me guess, you’re the sensation in that scenario, cause you’re sure as hell not the other two.”

He rolled his eyes. “Funny.”

I laughed, and put my head back, closing my eyes for a little bit as Joe drove us home. But I opened them right away. Not because anything happened or I didn’t want to sleep or anything. It was because when I closed my eyes, I only saw one thing, one face, one person. I saw a person I never imagined to see like that, someone I had tried hard not to think so excessively about. I sighed, realizing that of course I would see that person. They had practically become my whole life. And that thought scared me, because the person I saw was Joe.