I Find Myself in You

“I was thinking maybe we could check out the shopping scene,” Demi said, thumbing through one of the magazines on my bed as I strummed my guitar. I didn’t really know what I was playing but my fingers were just moving. “And what is with you? This song is definitely OD depressing status.”

I sighed, and held the strings with my palm. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I’m just feeling – weird.”

“Does this have to do with Joe? Or Jesse? Or both?” she asked, sitting up to look at me eagerly.

“Both I guess,” I shrugged. She already knew me too well. “I mean, Jesse said something and it kind of just threw me off, you know?”

“What did he say?” she asked.

“He basically said that I relied on him so much and now I’m doing the same to Joe,” I sighed. He had made me sound like I couldn’t stand on my own. But I didn’t add that.

Miley watched me thoughtfully for a second. “I wouldn’t worry about it too much,” she said. “Jesse was obviously trying to throw you off and confuse you. I guess it worked, huh?”

I could hear the but in her voice. “But…,” I prompted her.

She looked away. “You do spend a lot of time with Joe,” she said finally.

“That’s because we’re really close,” I reasoned.

“You guys just met recently,” she reminded me.

“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked, putting the guitar down to cross my arms.

“Well the only reason you’d be with him so much so soon,” she said, “is that you either like him, love him, or are too attached to him.”

“Those are the only options?” I rolled my eyes. “What about door number 4?”

“What’s behind door number 4?” she asked.

“Me and Joe are just friends and we’re just best friends,” I said. “I mean honestly, I like being with him. There’s a difference between that and liking him.”

“Which you do,” she smirked.

“I do not,” I rolled my eyes.

“Oh can you just admit it,” she said.

“There’s nothing to admit,” I said.

Why did everyone always try to make me admit this? Maybe I just really liked Joe as a friend. Maybe we were just close. It didn’t have to go further than that.

Demi stared at me thoughtfully. After a moment, she said, “You know he’s in love with you.”

I didn’t meet her eye. I had known this of course, from when I heard him and Nick in his room in New Jersey. It was the main reason I had come back to California in the first place. I had to distance myself from him because of how he felt and how I did. I didn’t feel the same way and it was almost cruel to let it go on as it was. But wasn’t that what I was doing again? Putting myself and him in that position? But what was I supposed to do? Leave again? I didn’t think I could this time. Besides, I needed him. He had helped me find me again, and had become such a big part of me. “Is he?” I said, staring at the ground.

Demi nodded. “He’s been in love with you for as long as anyone can remember.”

“He didn’t know me,” I said quietly. “He didn’t know me till recently.”

“Remember how I told you I knew you through your songs?” she asked. I nodded. “He knew you through your acting first and then your music and then he met you.” She sighed and shook her head. “Lainey, I don’t get how you don’t like him. He’s perfect for you. He’s shaped himself to be your perfect guy. That’s how long he’s loved you.”

“I didn’t ask him too!” I half shouted. “I never told him to do anything for me. I can’t help it if he feels that way for me. It’s not how I feel.” I knew I was being unnecessarily cold. But I didn’t know what I felt, and everyone had basically been pushing him on me. It was like I would never have time to be just me. I would always be someone’s girl. I would never just be Lainey Peters when I was with someone, and now that I had found myself again, I wasn’t sure I was ready to give myself up.

Demi looked at me sadly. “Lainey, what is this about really? I mean Joe’s a great guy, and I know you see that. Why does this all upset you so much?”

I sighed, and tried to smile. It didn’t come as easily as I would have liked. “I love Joe, don’t get me wrong. He is so amazing. I just don’t know if he’s the right guy for me.” She started to speak to correct me, but I cut her off. “I know he’s perfect for me. But I don’t know if that’s what I want. I just got out of a very dysfunctional relationship. I’m just not ready to jump onto the relationship wagon just yet.”

She nodded, but didn’t say anything. She shook her head and turned back to the magazine in her hand. “So should we hit up Pinkberry too?” she asked.

I smiled, grateful she had sensed I wouldn’t want to talk about this anymore. “Definitely,” I said, picking up my guitar again.

There was a knock on the door. Joe came in. He looked perfectly at ease so I didn’t think he had heard our conversation thankfully. But then he was an entertainer. He could just be acting. I was truly hoping it was the latter. “Hey,” I said.

“Hey guys,” he grinned.

“What’s up?” Demi asked.

“Nothing,” he shrugged. “Just came over to invite you guys to our house tonight. We’re having a barbeque. Everyone’s coming.”

“Sounds cool,” Demi and I agreed.

“You know you could have called instead of coming all the way here,” Demi smirked. “They have these new things called telephones. All the rage let me tell you, and worth every cent.”

Joe grinned and said, “That’s what those things are called? I was trying to send you a signal with smoke from a fire. It didn’t seem to reach you so I thought I’d come over.”

I laughed. “You guys are dorks.”

They grinned at me. “Anyways, so why are you here?” Demi asked, still smirking at him.

Joe flushed slightly. “Oh you know, no reason. I was in the neighborhood.”

“In the neighborhood,” Demi repeated.

“Um yeah,” he said.

“Right,” she laughed. I glared at her. What was she trying to do? “Okay well barbeque tonight, sounds fun,” she said, changing the subject.

He nodded, and turned to me. “Hey that’s good, is it new?” he asked.

I jumped a little, holding the guitar strings with my hand. I hadn’t even realized I had started to strum them again. “Oh um yeah,” I said. “Just something I’m messing around with still.”

“It’s good,” he grinned at me.

I flushed slightly, mumbling my gratitude. It was a different sound than I had played recently. But it was something that was really supposed to mean a lot to me. And I had just realized how much his appraisal meant to me too. I didn’t know what I found more disfiguring, the fact that I had realized that, or my realization that I didn’t mind.