I Find Myself in You

I was scared to talk to Joe. I wasn’t afraid to admit that. In fact, I was so scared that I had come all the way back to my house in Wyckoff alone just to hide from him. No one but Flannery knew I was here and she had sworn she wouldn’t tell anyone. The countless text messages, voice mails and missed calls on my phone from him were just proof that my sister had actually kept her word.

It wasn’t just him that I was scared of. I was scared of the direction the conversation would take. I mean, obviously I had feelings for him. And I knew how he felt about me. He loved me. And though I wasn’t sure if it was love I was feeling yet, it sure was something, and that terrified me. Sure Joe was amazing and perfect for me. But I didn’t know if I could return that favor. I didn’t want to take the chance of waking up one day to find out he had realized he had bitten off more than he could chew. I had issues, I knew that. And I knew he would always help me. But I also knew that if he ever left me, I would break again. And I didn’t know how much more of that I could take. I honestly felt like I was being held by one string alone right now, and that string was Joe. I only knew who I was because he was with me every step of the way. If we ever broke up, I knew I would lose my hold on the ground completely. And that just wasn’t a chance I knew if I was willing to take.

I was sitting in my living room, my sheets of music sprawled out on the coffee table in front of me. I was deciding which songs I wanted in the new album. So far I had a few of my newest ones, but I wasn’t sure which other ones and in which order. I knew they would have to tell a story, a story of my transformation. It was a difficult feat.

The doorbell rang, breaking me from my concentration. I wondered who it was as I got up to get the door. No one knew I was here, and I thought that was how I had kept it. Imagine my surprise as I opened the door to reveal none other than my ‘savior’ himself, Joe Jonas. “Hi,” I said awkwardly, moving aside to let him in.

He removed the glasses and hat that he had been disguising himself in. “Hey,” he said. He followed me into the living room and sat down beside me.

I sighed. “How’d you get Flannery to tell you where I was?”

“She didn’t,” Joe shrugged.

“Then how’d you know?” I asked, not sure if I believed him. But then, I knew Joe would never lie to me.

“I know you too well,” he smiled weakly.

I sighed. “Sorry for not returning your calls.”

“I’m sure you had your reasons,” he nodded it off.

“I really didn’t,” I groaned. I didn’t know why I was telling him the truth. Maybe it was the fact that he would never lie to me and because of that, I couldn’t lie to him either. And maybe it was because I couldn’t believe he had actually followed me here. “I just – didn’t call back. I needed to get away.”

He looked at me for a moment. “I thought you said it wasn’t bad anymore.”

“It’s not,” I insisted, looking away. “It’s just – I needed space.”

He sighed. “Lainey, you have to stop running.”

“I’m not running,” I tried to convince him. But the truth was that I was running. I was trying to get away from every problem I had. That was what I always did.

“Yes you are,” he said firmly. He took my chin in his hands and made me look at him in the face. “You always run when you think your walls are falling down.”

“What do you want me to say Joe?” I sighed. “You want me to tell you I love you? I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

“That’s not what I want goddamn it,” he said, angry now. “Lainey, that’s not what I want at all. I love you. I know you know that I do. And I want you. But I don’t want you to just say it back. I’d rather you never said it at all then say it without truly meaning it. I just want you to talk to me. I just want you to tell me what you want.”

“I don’t know what I want Joe,” I cried. “I don’t know if I want to be with you, or stay away from you. I don’t know if I love you, or am just infatuated. I don’t know anything.”

“You have to know what you want,” he said confidently, locking his gaze on mine. “Everyone knows.”

“I do like you Joe,” I sighed. “And I feel like me again when I’m with you, but then I look at our path and I don’t see how we can work. I need you more than I need air. That’s not – it’s not right. I should want you to be my sun, to be the one who brought light into my life, not my only means of survival. And I see that I need you so much. I’m not me without you. I’m nothing without you.”

He stroked my cheek softly. “Lainey, sweetheart, I really wish you should see how wonderful you are. No, you’re more than wonderful. You’re beautiful, and so talented, and intelligent, and strong. You aren’t perfect, I’ll admit that, but then who of us are? What I’m trying to say Lainey is that you don’t need me. You only think you do. You’re using me as your safety net, your walking cane. But you don’t see for some reason that even if you stood alone, you would shine just as brightly.”

His words were mesmerizing me. “Nobody believes in me Joe. Not my mom, not my friends, not my manager, not even me all the time. But you, you believe in me. You have believed in me all along.” There were tears in my eyes now.

“And I’ll believe in you till my last breath,” he promised.

I didn’t know what the future held anymore. I didn’t know if there would be heartache, or failure, or complete bliss. But I did know that I wanted to see where my life would lead me with Joe. “Am I going to get hurt if I’m with you?” I asked quietly.

“No,” he said simply, but even that one word was so full of emotion. There was no way I couldn’t believe him. Except for the gnawing at my stomach.

“Are you lying?” I whispered, closing my eyes.

“Never,” he promised.

“Can I trust you?”

“With your life,” he said quietly.

“Joe?” I opened my eyes and looked him right in the eyes. I had made my decision. He looked at me questioningly. “Can you kiss me?”

He smiled lovingly. “I thought you’d never ask,” he said before leaning forward.

His lips met mine softly at first before pressing more firmly against them. I felt myself smiling into the kiss. This felt so right. This felt like bliss. I just really wished the gnawing in my stomach would go away.