I Find Myself in You

“Hey guys,” I said as I walked into the boys’ kitchen. I had just come back to LA yesterday, and Joe had been back since the day before.

“Hey you’re back,” Nick hugged me.

“Yeah just got back last night,” I said as I hugged Kevin.

“Had fun back in – where were you again?” Kevin asked.

“New Jersey,” I shrugged.

They gapped at me, and Joe smirked. “You went back there?” Nick asked. “We thought you hated that place.”

“Au contraire,” I grinned. “I hated it before.” I smiled at Joe. “I recently found it’s one of my favorite places in the world.”

Nick smirked, and looked from me to Joe. “Joe was in Jersey too,” he said, putting things together. “Did you see him there?”

“For a bit,” I shrugged, trying not to laugh. Truth was that Joe and I had spent the better part of the week together, just me and him, hidden in my home. We had already decided that our relationship had to be a secret from the media and pretty much everyone else besides the people we knew and trusted.

“Was he the reason you came back?” Kevin smirked as well.

I laughed as Joe wrapped his arm around my waist, planting a lightly kiss on my hair. “Kind of,” I said.

Nick smirked, looking smug. Kevin looked pissed. “Wow Kevin, I didn’t know you’d be that mad,” Joe said laughing, “especially since you have a fiancé.”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “Please, we already knew you and Lainey were going to end up together.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He handed Nick a twenty dollar bill. “I was just really hoping you guys weren’t togetheryet. You guys owe me 20 bucks,” he grumbled.

Nick laughed and pocketed the money. “40 actually. You bet against Frankie too.”

“You shouldn’t have bet against him man,” Joe clapped Kevin on the back, his other arm still holding me. “You know Nick never loses.”

“Yeah well I was kind of counting on you to help me out,” Kevin rolled his eyes.

“You should have told us before,” I laughed. “We so would have been on your side.”

“So how did this happen?” Nick asked.

Joe and I exchanged a smile before turning back to his brothers. “Pretty much the traditional way man,” Joe said. “I asked her to be mine and she said yes.”

“Obviously,” Nick rolled his eyes. “We want details.”

“You want details on how he had his tongue in my mouth?” I said innocently.

Nick covered his ears. “Okay nevermind.”

We all laughed. “So I’m guessing this is going to a secret?” Kevin asked.

Joe nodded.”You know how the media is. Besides, Lainey is worried about what Jesse will do,” he rolled his eyes at this. I sighed. I knew Joe wasn’t scared of Jesse, and I didn’t know why I was either. But I knew Jesse would be pissed and start something. And honestly, I didn’t want to go through that. I didn’t think I could handle that.

“Do you ever think about what would have happened if neither of us were famous?” Joe asked as we lay on his bed. He had his arm under me, reaching around me to hold my hand. With his other hand, he was drawing circles lightly on my palm. “Like if we had never even left Wyckoff New Jersey?”

“Sometimes,” I admitted.

“What do you think it would be like?” he asked.

“Cold,” I said firmly. There was no doubt in my mind. New Jersey had been my home but it was not where my heart had ever been.

“You really hated it that much?” he asked quietly.

“I hated my life in Wyckoff,” I corrected. “You say you remember me, right? So you know how I was pretty popular? Ever feel like you’re in a sea of people, and yet you’re still so alone? That was how every day of my life was like there.”

“I don’t believe you hated it all,” he said. “Otherwise, you wouldn’t have gone there last week.” I sighed. I knew he was right, as always. But that didn’t mean I voiced my agreement. “Besides, if you weren’t heading out to be famous, your life would have been different.”

“Do you think we would have ended up together anyway?” I asked, resting my head on his chest.

“Yes,” he said firmly. There was no question in his voice.

I wish I could be as sure. “How can you say that with so much conviction?”

“I would have done whatever I had to do get close to you,” he shrugged.

“That's kind of creepy,” I smirked at him.

He rolled his eyes. “Funny. But no, I told you Lainey, I knew you even back then. And I knew I had to meet you. It was fate.”

I didn’t believe in fate. I believed that we got what we earned, and nothing more. There was no prewritten book of what would happen. It just didn’t seem pliable to me. But I played along. “And what if we're not destined to be together?” I asked. “What if we're just destined to make an appearance in each other's lives?”

“I don’t believe that,” he said quietly.

“How can you be so sure?” I wished I shared his faith in us, in me.

He took a deep breath and turned his head to look at me. “Lainey, you say that in a sea of people you were alone right? I believe that even in that sea, even with every person in the world, sometimes, all you need is one. And I know I can’t be a hundred percent positive. But I also know how I feel about you, and I know that our lives were headed towards each other from the beginning. I know that I want this to be forever, me and you.”

“We don’t always get what we want,” I reminded him quietly. Why was I fighting this? Why couldn’t I just believe like he did? I knew I was pushing him away, just like I always did. But with Joe, I didn’t want to. I wanted him, and I wanted it forever. So why was I doing this?

He looked at me for a long time, as if he knew what I was thinking. “We can get anything we want if we work hard enough, and I plan to make sure this works.”

“Why?” I asked. God, I really just needed to shut up now.

He sighed and kissed my temple. “Because I love you and I need you in my life.”

“I'm not good for you,” I reminded him.

“Didn’t we already have this discussion?” he smiled at me. “Lainey, you’re perfect for me. I wouldn’t want you any other way.”

He leaned his head down and kissed me firmly. I smiled into the kiss. This, this I could believe. I knew he loved me, truly and completely. I just didn’t get why. “It’s cause you’re crazy,” I mumbled against his lips. He laughed and kissed me again.