I Find Myself in You

"They seem really nice," Flannery observed as we started watching T.V. after Joe, Nick, and Kevin left.

"Yeah," I said warily. Her tone seemed a bit off. "They haven't been messed up by the Hollywood crap yet."

"Yet," she asked quietly.

I shrugged. "You know it's going to happen."

She sighed, shaking her head. "You really like them."

I shrugged again, growing more wary of her tone. There was obviously a double meaning to her words. "They're cool."

She nodded, but didn't say anything. She just looked at me with a questioning look.

I sighed. "Just ask me whatever it is you want to ask me."

"I don't have to ask you anything," she said. I rolled my eyes, knowing that wasn't true. After a deep breath, she said, "I haven't seen you like this since you were with Jesse."

"Flannery," I warned. She knew this was a dangerous territory. She knew not to bring it up.

"I'm just saying," she held up her hands defensively. "He called today, you know."

"He called the house," I asked, surprised. I knew he had called my phone about a zillion times. That was one of the main reasons I kept my phone on silent. My phone was always ringing nonstop, because of the 50 missed calls and messages a day which I deleted without listening, because I didn't want to talk to him, because I couldn't talk to him.

"Yeah," Flannery said. "He said you haven't been picking up your phone. That's not very attractive Lain."

I rolled my eyes. "That was kind of the point Flan."

"Well maybe you should pick up once," she commented. "He seemed really sad, like he missed you. He is deeply in love with you, you know. And he seems more than willing to take you back. He could obviously see the mistake in breaking up."

"Willing," I laughed. "For the last time, Flannery, he did not breath up with me. I broke up with him."

"And yet you won't tell me why," she said, shaking her head. "It seems too fishy Lainey, to tell you the truth."

"Well to tell you the truth, I don't care," I stood up and headed to the door.

"What happened to you Lainey," Flannery asked quietly.

"I grew up," I replied, just as quietly before running up to my room and falling onto my bed as the tears rolled down my cheeks.

I don't want another pretty face. I don't want just anyone to hold. I don't want my love to go to waste. I just want—.

I couldn't believe I had left my phone on the ringer. That ring tone was set to only one person, the person that wrote that song for me. I picked it up before he could sing the full lies.

"Hello," I said into the phone. My voice was barely over a whisper.

"Lainey, baby, I'm so glad you finally picked up," Jesse's voice rang in my ears. I felt my heart break in two again. Even his voice caused me so much pain. "I've been calling you every five minutes."

"My phone was on silent," I said.

"Yeah, Flannery told me," he said. "Listen Lainey, I am so sorry. You know I would never mean to hurt you baby."

Baby. I cringed at that word.

"You said we could give it another shot," he said. "Please baby, come home. Come back to L.A. This is where you belong, with me."

I winced at his tone. He did sound sad. But I was still hurt. "Jesse, I said I'd think about it. I just – need some space right now, okay?"

He sighed in resignation after a silent minute. "Okay Lain. I can wait for you. You're worth that. Just remember that I lov--."

"Bye Jesse," I cut him off, hanging up before he could say anything else. I couldn't hear those words. I couldn't hear the lies. I turned my phone back on silent and wept into my pillow until sleep finally came over me.

---

Running every morning when I woke up was something I had done since I was twelve years old. It was great exercise. It really helped to build up stamina or whatever for when I was on stage. And it meant that I could eat whatever I want. But more than that, it was the time when I could just think and relax. I could listen to my iPod if I wanted, blocking out the world. Or I could think of new ideas for songs. Or I could just try to put my hectic life into perspective. The last one wasn't really something I liked to do, not since last month anyway. But running every morning was just something that had become a habit of mine.

Jesse was in my thoughts this morning. He had been since the phone call last night. I couldn't stop thinking about him. His voice, his lips, his face, his smile, his words, his-- I was so distracted that I completely ran into someone. I felt a strong pair of arms catch me before I fell. "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry—Joe?"

Joe grinned at me, still holding me. "Morning," he said.

"Morning," I pulled back. "What are you doing here?"

"Running," he said. "It's something I do every morning. Helps me think and all that."

"Me too," I grinned. "Finally someone that understands!"

"Want to run together," he asked.

"Sure," I said as we started running again.

"Running to anywhere particular," he asked. I shook my head. I wasn't trying to head anywhere. I was just trying to get away. "I kind of was. Want to come with me?"

I shrugged. "Sure."

I ran next to him, letting him lead us to wherever he was headed to. We didn't really say much. We ran longer than I usually did. My legs started to hurt. Joe still seemed at ease. So I kept my mouth shut about the pain. If he could run, so could I.

Finally, when I thought I was going to die, he slowed to a stop. I looked around. We were in front of my old school. "What are we doing here?" I followed him as he sat down on top of a bench, staring at the school.

He shrugged. "I like to come here a lot when I run," he said. "Some amazing memories."

"Really," I laughed. "This place was hell. You went here too?"

He nodded. "You wouldn't have known me though. I was surprisingly quiet."

"No, you," I gasped dramatically, laughing.

"Funny," he laughed, running his eyes. "But yeah, I wasn't exactly known here. I knew you though."

"What," I said, surprised.

He nodded. "You were in every school production," he said. "And you were really hot." He laughed nervously, seeming to have said too much.

I laughed, showing him it was okay. "Wow, you really did know me, huh?"

He shrugged. "I didn't know you. But I remember thinking you felt so out of place here. Even when you were in the middle of all your friends, in the middle of everyone, you still seemed too good to be here."

"You're wrong," I said quietly. "I wasn't good enough to be here."

"Good enough o be here," he asked, finally looking at me. "Lainey, you're a star. You're one of the biggest names in Hollywood right now. You're an amazing singer and actress. And—"

"I know, I know," I groaned. "And any girl would kill to be me. I've heard that one too many times."

He chuckled. "I was going to say, and you're an amazing person. You were destined for more than this school or this town could give you."

"So are you guys," I said quietly, not believing him. Destined for more? For what?? For this emptiness? "You talk about being too good for this place. The whole town isn't big enough for you guys. Your dreams aren't here, and yet—"

"And yet we came back," he finished for me, smiling. "Yeah we did. New Jersey will always be our home. It will always be where our heart is. Maybe our dreams are too big for this town. But we'll never forget that this is where our dreams began. Just like yours. The big ones, the little ones, the dreams everyone said would never come true. And now look at you. Your dreams have come true. Sure they came true somewhere else. But this, this place, this town, it will always be the place where you had those dreams."

I just stared up at the school quietly. "So much has happened since Wyckoff High," I said, my voice barely over a whisper. "I'm not that same girl anymore."

"Why not," he asked bluntly.

"What," I asked, a bit taken back by his abruptness.

"What happened that made you lose all those dreams you had?"

And for the first time, I truly started to think about it what had happened? Oh yeah, life.