Kill All Your Friends
Two
Gerard’s P.O.V
The girl did accept him! Fuck that! Although I really meant there was 95% chance, it’s still hard to accept the truth. And the worst part is that I bloody hell encouraged Frank to date her! Egh!!! Just kindly kill me would you? Seeing him holding his ‘girlfriend’ in his arms everyday, hearing him brag about how good is his girlfriend and how unbelievable it is that the girl actually does love him back in front of me everyday is a total torture. Torture! You wouldn’t be able to feel that horrible life threatening feeling until you really got into such situations which pretty suck I can tell you. But there’s one good thing if you had me think positively. Is that he still spends time with me like he used to before dating that bitch, oops. Which surprised me though. I once asked him why didn’t he spend more time with his girlfriend. And his answer was love doesn’t mean restraining you time and companion. Well, nothing to say. To be honest, I really wasn’t that serious about this crush. I see it as a summer crush that will simply fade away when we start a new school year. Like all the crushes I had before. I said I’m a bi, but seriously, I never thought of actually dating guys. I just feel attracted to them and maybe have a few more thoughts about them at night and that’s all. So, as you heard me, I really wasn’t planning to tell him anything about my feelings or do something offensive to his girlfriend. Of course I’ve told him that I didn’t like his girlfriend openly, but that actually meant nothing to him, to my opinion.
But as time flew by, I started to get more and more serious about my feelings for him. This wasn’t what I planned. What I planned was to keep my shallow feelings for him to myself and forget about him in the next school year. But what actually happened was my feelings for him aren’t ‘shallow’ anymore and I hadn’t kept it to myself. I can’t control it. I told him that I liked him once. It is when he asked me if I had someone I liked or planning to date. I fake thought for a while then said ‘you’ bluntly, which was very true. But he seemed not to put any special attention to it. Maybe he thought that I was probably just messing around, which is normal to think that way. Who would expect your best friend really mean it when he says ‘I like you’? I felt hurt more and more each day. The best days of school are the days that he’s sick and didn’t come to school. So that I can stop looking at his direction and find him holding his girlfriend in his arms. To be frank, those are the worst days too. I feel horrible if I don’t see him everyday, which makes weekends suck.
I tried hard to control my feelings. I figured it out that I really don’t want this. He’s horribly straight and there’s not a single chance for us to be together.
*Weeks later*
Oh great, fuck.
I am having dreams of Frank and me again. Is it the second or the third time? Kissing him, feeling so good that it wouldn’t even matter when the sky just suddenly fell down. Fuck. I can’t believe that I’m thinking of such disgusting things. I feel like all the stupid pathetic stories’ main character. In love with someone that had same sex with you, and he already has a girlfriend. They seem to like each other very much. I just stand there every day, just fucking be there when or wherever he needed me. I can no longer stand this, it’s making me insane. But I can’t tell him. I really fucking can’t. This is not some kind of cheesy stories when the main character tells the girl that he liked her and she say yeah I like you too and start making out, this is me. Fucking reality.
Maybe I can calm down for a while, and maybe those feelings are just gonna fade away, and I will simply think that I don’t like him anymore. This happens all the time. That was just a dream it’s because it’s weekend, you feel lonely, and, fuck. I really don’t know am I ‘in love’ with him or not. I always feel so madly, or maybe not really madly, just like. And sometimes, I thought I never liked him, it’s just some fucking hormones. Yeah, it is because of the dreams. Think to the reality, you don’t really like him that way, it’s THAT way. You two can never be together. He’s a guy and you are too. To his reputation, sexuality, his feelings for his girlfriend, me, everything. Everything, everything makes him say no to me. And I’m not sure if I can stand that.
The girl did accept him! Fuck that! Although I really meant there was 95% chance, it’s still hard to accept the truth. And the worst part is that I bloody hell encouraged Frank to date her! Egh!!! Just kindly kill me would you? Seeing him holding his ‘girlfriend’ in his arms everyday, hearing him brag about how good is his girlfriend and how unbelievable it is that the girl actually does love him back in front of me everyday is a total torture. Torture! You wouldn’t be able to feel that horrible life threatening feeling until you really got into such situations which pretty suck I can tell you. But there’s one good thing if you had me think positively. Is that he still spends time with me like he used to before dating that bitch, oops. Which surprised me though. I once asked him why didn’t he spend more time with his girlfriend. And his answer was love doesn’t mean restraining you time and companion. Well, nothing to say. To be honest, I really wasn’t that serious about this crush. I see it as a summer crush that will simply fade away when we start a new school year. Like all the crushes I had before. I said I’m a bi, but seriously, I never thought of actually dating guys. I just feel attracted to them and maybe have a few more thoughts about them at night and that’s all. So, as you heard me, I really wasn’t planning to tell him anything about my feelings or do something offensive to his girlfriend. Of course I’ve told him that I didn’t like his girlfriend openly, but that actually meant nothing to him, to my opinion.
But as time flew by, I started to get more and more serious about my feelings for him. This wasn’t what I planned. What I planned was to keep my shallow feelings for him to myself and forget about him in the next school year. But what actually happened was my feelings for him aren’t ‘shallow’ anymore and I hadn’t kept it to myself. I can’t control it. I told him that I liked him once. It is when he asked me if I had someone I liked or planning to date. I fake thought for a while then said ‘you’ bluntly, which was very true. But he seemed not to put any special attention to it. Maybe he thought that I was probably just messing around, which is normal to think that way. Who would expect your best friend really mean it when he says ‘I like you’? I felt hurt more and more each day. The best days of school are the days that he’s sick and didn’t come to school. So that I can stop looking at his direction and find him holding his girlfriend in his arms. To be frank, those are the worst days too. I feel horrible if I don’t see him everyday, which makes weekends suck.
I tried hard to control my feelings. I figured it out that I really don’t want this. He’s horribly straight and there’s not a single chance for us to be together.
*Weeks later*
Oh great, fuck.
I am having dreams of Frank and me again. Is it the second or the third time? Kissing him, feeling so good that it wouldn’t even matter when the sky just suddenly fell down. Fuck. I can’t believe that I’m thinking of such disgusting things. I feel like all the stupid pathetic stories’ main character. In love with someone that had same sex with you, and he already has a girlfriend. They seem to like each other very much. I just stand there every day, just fucking be there when or wherever he needed me. I can no longer stand this, it’s making me insane. But I can’t tell him. I really fucking can’t. This is not some kind of cheesy stories when the main character tells the girl that he liked her and she say yeah I like you too and start making out, this is me. Fucking reality.
Maybe I can calm down for a while, and maybe those feelings are just gonna fade away, and I will simply think that I don’t like him anymore. This happens all the time. That was just a dream it’s because it’s weekend, you feel lonely, and, fuck. I really don’t know am I ‘in love’ with him or not. I always feel so madly, or maybe not really madly, just like. And sometimes, I thought I never liked him, it’s just some fucking hormones. Yeah, it is because of the dreams. Think to the reality, you don’t really like him that way, it’s THAT way. You two can never be together. He’s a guy and you are too. To his reputation, sexuality, his feelings for his girlfriend, me, everything. Everything, everything makes him say no to me. And I’m not sure if I can stand that.