Kill All Your Friends
Three
Gerard’s P.O.V
Sorry god.
I believe in you but I really can’t take it. Hurting myself is the worst thing I would do, I promise. Sometimes, I really feel so madly in love with him. Just like yesterday, when we were taking the bus with some other friends. He was too busy working on the PSP or something like that so he wouldn’t have a spare hand to hold on the posts as we were standing. I held his waist and shoulder, clench him tightly to me. I just stood there and held him in my arms for like, ten to fifteen minutes. I told him it was because his two hands were on the PSP thing, then he wouldn’t have an extra hand to hold on the posts of the bus. I said I hold him tightly is because I didn’t want him to fall. That is when his PSP had been stolen by some of our other friends. His hands were then totally free to hold on to anything, so I thought I should ask.
“Do you want me to hold you or you wanna hold the posts by yourself?” I saw him thought for a while before speaking again.
“You choose.” Simple answer.
“Of course I wanna hold you.” I said in a flirting way.
He just giggled and leaned further on to me. He smiled in my embrace, I think, he always smiles. He smiled and clenched his two arms around me too, and we both stand there, watching the others played the PSP, I was actually staring into space. The others didn’t act uncomfortable around us, maybe because they’re used to it. We always stayed that close. That meant everything to me, but it meant nothing to him. Well, he never told me but that’s what I think. He turned his head to face me and asked me something, I forgot what it was, just knew that his cheek was so close to me. I could barely breath at that moment. I wanted so madly to kiss him, but of course I managed to throw that though out of my mind in seconds.
I really don’t know do I love him, or like him that way you may say. Sometimes I got really mad at myself of liking a person that unstable. But who could you blame!? I always convince myself that I don’t really ‘liked’ him, it’s probably some teenage feelings. But sometimes… Ah!!! I really don’t fucking know anything! I am so useless. Can’t even identify myself from liking a person or not. I don’t want to cut myself but I just can’t resist the temptation. I know you all know how it feels, you all know that it feels good. But I don’t want the reason to be just because me being bisexual or homosexual. I can tell all of you, being different from others like being bisexual is NOT FUCKING COOL. It sucks. So don’t think you act like a bisexual or something is really cool or hot. It sucks, really fucking sucks.
Maybe I’ll watch it for a while. Seriously. See if I really liked him that way. Just to make sure where my heart goes. I can’t promise what will I do when I find out that I really liked him, we’ll just have to wait and see.
*Weeks later again*
I just can’t, I can’t stop hurting myself. The first two times, I had reasons, but this time, it’s that I felt that if I don’t have it on my wrist. I like to feel the wound on my wrist every time I touch it. I’ll felt imperfect, don’t ask me why, I just did. Every time it starts healing, I want to cut it again.
It’s too tempting.
It looks so perfect.
It makes me perfect.
Sorry god.
I believe in you but I really can’t take it. Hurting myself is the worst thing I would do, I promise. Sometimes, I really feel so madly in love with him. Just like yesterday, when we were taking the bus with some other friends. He was too busy working on the PSP or something like that so he wouldn’t have a spare hand to hold on the posts as we were standing. I held his waist and shoulder, clench him tightly to me. I just stood there and held him in my arms for like, ten to fifteen minutes. I told him it was because his two hands were on the PSP thing, then he wouldn’t have an extra hand to hold on the posts of the bus. I said I hold him tightly is because I didn’t want him to fall. That is when his PSP had been stolen by some of our other friends. His hands were then totally free to hold on to anything, so I thought I should ask.
“Do you want me to hold you or you wanna hold the posts by yourself?” I saw him thought for a while before speaking again.
“You choose.” Simple answer.
“Of course I wanna hold you.” I said in a flirting way.
He just giggled and leaned further on to me. He smiled in my embrace, I think, he always smiles. He smiled and clenched his two arms around me too, and we both stand there, watching the others played the PSP, I was actually staring into space. The others didn’t act uncomfortable around us, maybe because they’re used to it. We always stayed that close. That meant everything to me, but it meant nothing to him. Well, he never told me but that’s what I think. He turned his head to face me and asked me something, I forgot what it was, just knew that his cheek was so close to me. I could barely breath at that moment. I wanted so madly to kiss him, but of course I managed to throw that though out of my mind in seconds.
I really don’t know do I love him, or like him that way you may say. Sometimes I got really mad at myself of liking a person that unstable. But who could you blame!? I always convince myself that I don’t really ‘liked’ him, it’s probably some teenage feelings. But sometimes… Ah!!! I really don’t fucking know anything! I am so useless. Can’t even identify myself from liking a person or not. I don’t want to cut myself but I just can’t resist the temptation. I know you all know how it feels, you all know that it feels good. But I don’t want the reason to be just because me being bisexual or homosexual. I can tell all of you, being different from others like being bisexual is NOT FUCKING COOL. It sucks. So don’t think you act like a bisexual or something is really cool or hot. It sucks, really fucking sucks.
Maybe I’ll watch it for a while. Seriously. See if I really liked him that way. Just to make sure where my heart goes. I can’t promise what will I do when I find out that I really liked him, we’ll just have to wait and see.
*Weeks later again*
I just can’t, I can’t stop hurting myself. The first two times, I had reasons, but this time, it’s that I felt that if I don’t have it on my wrist. I like to feel the wound on my wrist every time I touch it. I’ll felt imperfect, don’t ask me why, I just did. Every time it starts healing, I want to cut it again.
It’s too tempting.
It looks so perfect.
It makes me perfect.