Secret
Chapter 10
-Chapter 10-
For the next few days no one heard from Ryan. He wasn’t at school and none of his guitar buddies had talked to him. Mauricio didn’t even know what was going on. He didn’t call me, and I didn’t expect him to, and when I called him he didn’t answer. A week later he showed up at school during lunch on the day Mauricio wasn’t there. I spotted him sitting by himself on the side of the cafeteria. I approached him slowly, not sure what his reaction would be when he saw me. He glanced at me and turned away. I sat next to him and we sat in hush for awhile. “Where have you been?” I asked in calmly in a soft voice.
“Around.”
Another awkward silence. Finally, I couldn’t take it any more. “I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have read your journal but you shouldn’t have kept that secret from me.”
“You’re a-fucking-mazing. Do you know that?” His sarcasm was pissing me off.
“What do you mean?”
“Have you taken a look at your palms lately? You think I can’t tell what nail marks look like? You hurt yourself just as much and me but mine is suddenly worse because I use a razor?”
“I’ve stopped doing that.”
“But the scars are still there. Couldn’t have been too long ago. So get off your high horse ‘cause you’re no better than me.”
“I never said I was.”
“You act like it.” He stood up and so did I.
“How?!”
“Why do we always have to go to your house for projects? You wanna show off that’s why!”
“What?! You never offered to go to your house so I didn’t ask.”
“Right. You want to shove it in my face that you have a perfect house, a perfect dog, a perfect family, a perfect life.”
“I would never do that and my life is nowhere near perfect.”
“Well, it’s not to far from it.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about!” I screamed. A knot in my throat was forming. “My mother worked hard to get us where we are today! We used to be homeless! That’s right! HOMELESS! My father gambled away our life in Texas and we had to move where family was because we didn’t have any money! Here in Florida! I lived in a hotel for two years! One room with four people! Lemonheads candy for Christmas and M&Ms for birthdays! We came from nothing! And now we have something! So don’t you tell me that my life is perfect because it’s not! It’s a miracle that we have what we have now!” I was crying hysterically by the end of my rant.
Ryan was just standing there. I wanted him to comfort me but I didn’t think that that was going to happen. To my surprise, he came over and pulled me into a hug. “I’m so sorry.”
“No. I’m sorry. You didn’t know.”
“Shh…” He tried to ease my pain but so many memories had flooded in that I couldn’t stop. A few people were looking at us like we were crazy. “Fuck off!” he yelled. All who were staring left. My head was in the crook of his neck and our arms were wrapped around each other. “I promise, I’ll try to stop cutting. It may take awhile but I’ll try.” I sniffled. “I forget what I said before about not needing you. I need you more than anything right now. Will you still help me?”
“Of course. I’d never turn my back on you.”
For the next few days no one heard from Ryan. He wasn’t at school and none of his guitar buddies had talked to him. Mauricio didn’t even know what was going on. He didn’t call me, and I didn’t expect him to, and when I called him he didn’t answer. A week later he showed up at school during lunch on the day Mauricio wasn’t there. I spotted him sitting by himself on the side of the cafeteria. I approached him slowly, not sure what his reaction would be when he saw me. He glanced at me and turned away. I sat next to him and we sat in hush for awhile. “Where have you been?” I asked in calmly in a soft voice.
“Around.”
Another awkward silence. Finally, I couldn’t take it any more. “I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have read your journal but you shouldn’t have kept that secret from me.”
“You’re a-fucking-mazing. Do you know that?” His sarcasm was pissing me off.
“What do you mean?”
“Have you taken a look at your palms lately? You think I can’t tell what nail marks look like? You hurt yourself just as much and me but mine is suddenly worse because I use a razor?”
“I’ve stopped doing that.”
“But the scars are still there. Couldn’t have been too long ago. So get off your high horse ‘cause you’re no better than me.”
“I never said I was.”
“You act like it.” He stood up and so did I.
“How?!”
“Why do we always have to go to your house for projects? You wanna show off that’s why!”
“What?! You never offered to go to your house so I didn’t ask.”
“Right. You want to shove it in my face that you have a perfect house, a perfect dog, a perfect family, a perfect life.”
“I would never do that and my life is nowhere near perfect.”
“Well, it’s not to far from it.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about!” I screamed. A knot in my throat was forming. “My mother worked hard to get us where we are today! We used to be homeless! That’s right! HOMELESS! My father gambled away our life in Texas and we had to move where family was because we didn’t have any money! Here in Florida! I lived in a hotel for two years! One room with four people! Lemonheads candy for Christmas and M&Ms for birthdays! We came from nothing! And now we have something! So don’t you tell me that my life is perfect because it’s not! It’s a miracle that we have what we have now!” I was crying hysterically by the end of my rant.
Ryan was just standing there. I wanted him to comfort me but I didn’t think that that was going to happen. To my surprise, he came over and pulled me into a hug. “I’m so sorry.”
“No. I’m sorry. You didn’t know.”
“Shh…” He tried to ease my pain but so many memories had flooded in that I couldn’t stop. A few people were looking at us like we were crazy. “Fuck off!” he yelled. All who were staring left. My head was in the crook of his neck and our arms were wrapped around each other. “I promise, I’ll try to stop cutting. It may take awhile but I’ll try.” I sniffled. “I forget what I said before about not needing you. I need you more than anything right now. Will you still help me?”
“Of course. I’d never turn my back on you.”