Secret
Chapter 15
-Chapter 15-
The next day I called Ryan to see when we could hang out again. He sounded gloomy as he told me, “My dad got laid off last night and I need to get a job to help out with the bills and such.”
“Oh,” I said, sad that his dad got laid off and sad that this meant we couldn’t spend as much time together. “I guess that mean’s your dad will be home more often.”
“Yeah, but he still has that other job so he’s gone during the day.”
“Well, where are you thinking of getting a job?”
“I heard that Hot Topic was hiring.”
“Score! Discounts!”
He laughed. “We’ll see. I’m scheduled for an interview tomorrow.”
“Cool. Call me afterwards, okay?”
“Okay.” We said our goodbyes and a few days after the interview he called me.
“Hello?”
“I got the job!”
“Awesome. When do you start?”
“Tomorrow!”
“I would come visit you but I don’t want to get you fired on your first day.”
“I doubt you would do that.”
“Of course I would… not…” We chatted for a few minutes and he said he’d come over to my house later on that night. The doorbell rang a few hours later. “I GOT IT!” I yelled throughout the house. I let Ryan in and my eyes were instantly drawn to the huge bruise on his face. “What happened?”
“Nothing. I’m just clumsy.” He kissed my cheek. I didn’t believe him and he knew it.
My mother walked in the living room. “Hello, Ryan.”
“Hi.”
“How have you been?”
“Fine and you?”
“Great.” She walked closer. “What happened to you honey?” He had grown on my mom a little considering the countless hours he spent at our house.
“My clumsiness.”
Mom nodded and looked at me. She didn’t believe him either. My God he sucked at lying. She left and Ryan and I headed to my room. I cracked the door ‘cause Mom didn’t allow doors closed, especially when boys are in the room. He sat down on my bed and turned on the TV. “What happened for real?” I asked. My voice was apprehensive.
“Nothing. Stop asking about it.”
“No.” I turned off the TV. “Tell me now,” I ordered.
He sighed. “Look, my dad has had more time on his hands and he picked up drinking again. It’s not his fault though. He’s just stressed out.”
“He hit you?”
Ryan gave me a look that said yes. I was about to say something but Ryan said, “It was my mistake. I did something stupid. I deserved it.”
“No, you don’t deserve it. I don’t care what you did.”
“It’s not a big deal. He doesn’t do it a lot.”
“He’s done this before?!”
“A few years back but like I said, it’s not a big deal.”
“How can you say that?”
“’Cause it’s true.” I didn’t say anything; I just looked into his eyes. “I’ve dealt with it before I can deal with it again.”
“If anything ever gets too bad you can always come here.”
“Okay.” He said softly. I gently touched the bruise, which was the size of a large fist might I add, and he winced a little. Why? I asked myself. Why would anyone want to harm this beautiful face? He took hold of both of my hands in his and said, “I’m okay. Trust me.” I nodded. We got comfortable and watched TV for awhile. We must’ve dozed off because when I woke up it was 10:00, two hours later. Ryan was still asleep. I would’ve woken him up but he looked so peaceful. His hair hung in his face covering most of the discoloration. His body rose and fell with each breath. I smiled and stroked his hair affectionately. I got up quietly, put a cover over him, and kissed his cheek. I turned off the light and went to the living room to sleep because Mom would’ve gone crazy if she found us sleeping in the same bed. In the same room, for that matter.
In the morning, I got up early to fix breakfast. Mom was up exercising. “I see your little boyfriend slept over last night.”
“We fell asleep and I didn’t want to wake him up.”
“Uh-huh.”
“At least I moved to the living room.”
“I see that.”
I just walked away. Why was she harassing me this early in the morning? I looked in the fridge to see what I could cook. “Hmm… eggs, bacon, where the eff are the waffles?” I searched and decided to settle for toast. I started two pans on the stove so I could cook the eggs and bacon at the same time. A few minutes later, my brother and sister came in the kitchen.
“Ooh, eggs.” John said.
“What are you doing?” Jae asked.
“What does it look like?”
“It looks as if the world has turned completely upside down.”
“I can cook and you know it.”
“But you choose not to.”
“Whatever.”
Mom walked in and smelled the air. “Smells good. Whatcha cooking?”
“Bacon, eggs, and toast.”
“I see,” she said inspecting the way I was going about making breakfast. “Looks good.”
That’s when Ryan walked in. He was rubbing his eyes and his hair was a hot mess. I laughed a little under my breath. How adorable was he? “What am I still doing here?” He sounded groggy.
“Well you fell asleep last night and I didn’t want to wake you.”
“My dad’s gonna kill me.”
CRAP! I hadn’t thought of that. I didn’t want my mom to know the situation so I acted as if it were a joke. “No he’s not.” I turned to Jae. “Tend the food for a second.” Ryan and I walked back to my room. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t think of that,” I said once we were out of earshot.
“Don’t worry about it. I didn’t mean literally. He’ll just get a little pissed off.”
“I don’t want to get you hurt. Plus today is you first day on the job.”
“Wow… I totally forgot. I don’t have to be there for another three hours though.”
“Great. So can you stay for breakfast?”
“Yeah but I need to brush my teeth.”
I led him to the bathroom. I looked in the drawer and found nothing. “Crap! We’re out of extra toothbrushes.”
“I can just use yours.”
“Normally, I’m picky about stuff like that but I guess since we kiss and stuff.” He grinned. “Now brush up Stinky Breath so you can come eat.”
“Okay.”
I went back into the kitchen and took over again. The eggs were about done and I only had a few pieces of bacon left. That’s when I put in the toast. Good thing we had a toaster that held four pieces of bread. I asked Jae to set up the table. She mumbled and grumbled but did it anyway. Ryan came in just as everyone was taking a seat. He had brushed his hair and washed up. He offered to help me serve the food but I said no. Finally everyone was seated and eating. “This is pretty good honey,” my mom said.
I smiled. “Thanks.”
“Now, if only you would cook when Ryan wasn’t around.”
I rolled my eyes and sighed. Ryan giggled a little. “Yeah,” John added. “You’re only cooking ‘cause your boyfriend is here.”
“Shut up,” I said and smacked the back of his head. Ryan giggled again. Must they embarrass me always and forever? Note to self- Tell them all to sleep with one eye open. After breakfast Ryan offered to help clean up but of course I said no. “You have to go back home and get changed for your first day at work.”
“Fine.” I accompanied him to the door. “Breakfast was good babe.”
“You’re just saying that ‘cause you don’t want to hurt my feelings.”
“No, ‘cause if it tasted like crap I would’ve said ‘Damn, this taste like crap’.”
“Thanks for the demonstration.”
“No problem.”
“What time do you get off?”
“Seven.”
“I’m gonna come over after you get off, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.” We gave each other a light peck on the lips and he left.
I came back inside and cleaned up. I was so bored. What was I going to so do until seven? I decided to exercise and then take a nap. When I woke up it was three. I sighed and watched TV until seven. “Mom, I’m going to Ryan’s place.”
“What time will you be back?”
“Around ten or eleven.”
“Okay.”
I slipped on my shoes and headed out. Even though we both lived far from school we didn’t live too far from each other. Walking only took 15 to 20 minutes. Halfway there I remembered that I had left my cell phone. “Crap,” I mumbled. When I got there it was 7:30. I saw his car in the driveway so I knocked on the door. He opened the door and let me in. “Hey babe,” I said. “How was your first day at work?”
“Great. I love working there.”
“Already?”
“Already.” He kissed me tenderly and pulled away seductively. “C’mon, check out my new snake.” We went to his room and he showed off his three foot long pet. That’s when we heard a knock on the door. My heart started pounding. Ryan’s eyes got wide. “Fuck! He’s not supposed to be here for another hour or so!” I went with him to get the door.
Ryan’s dad walked in right passed us and stopped a few feet later. He turned around and looked at me. “Who the hell is this?”
“Dad this is Jess.”
“Hmm… Sounds familiar.”
“I told you about her.”
“Not ringing any bells.”
“You were probably drunk.”
“Fuck you.”
Ryan sighed and his dad went to his room and slammed the door. “Fuck you.” Ryan murmured.
“Wow,” was all I could say.
“He’s such an asshole. Forget him.” We sat on the couch and cuddled when his dad came in a little while later.
“It’s time for your little lady friend to go home.”
“But she just got here.”
“I’ll go home Ryan. It’s not a problem.” I didn’t want Ryan to get in a fight with his dad.
“Yes. It is a problem. She just got here and she’s not leaving yet.” Dammit. Why did Ryan always have to be so stubborn?
Ryan’s dad looked as if he was hanging on to his last strand of sanity. “Look, I’m glad to see you’re not the faggot I thought you were but you need to tell her to leave.”
I grabbed my hoodie and was about to head out of the door when Ryan grasped my arm and pulled me back. “Let go, Ryan,” I said, a little scared. I tried to pull away but he was too strong. I sat back down.
“She’s not fucking leaving so you can hit me.”
“Watch your tone.”
“Watch your drinking.”
He slapped Ryan hard across the face. “I said watch your fucking tone.”
I stood up and held onto Ryan. “Leave him alone.”
“Get out of my house.”
I turned back to Ryan and whispered, “Come home with me.”
He looked at me with tears in his eyes. “I can’t.”
That’s when Ryan’s dad ripped him away from me and pushed him into his room. He went into the room too and before I could react he had locked Ryan and himself inside. “What did I fucking tell you about the way you talk to me?” I heard a fist hit something. Somewhere on Ryan’s body.
I pounded on the door. “Let me in you fucking asshole! Don’t you hurt him anymore!” I was crying and I could hardly breathe. “Ryan! I’m right here!”
“Shut the fuck up!” his dad yelled. I couldn’t hear Ryan at all. All I could hear was kicks and punches and his dad yelling “This will teach you!” and “You’re a worthless piece of shit!” and other things like that.
My arms were getting tired and my throat was hurting. Then there was silence. I heard him whisper something and then spit. “You dirty son of a bitch!” I yelled.
He opened the door and since I was leaning against it I fell in. I lay on the ground in fear. He stooped down and said in a low and threatening voice, “If only I could beat the shit out of you too.” He walked away and I heard the front door open and slam.
I saw Ryan less than a few feet away curled up on the floor. I inched next to him and put his head in my lap. He was bruised badly with minor cuts and scratches. His piercing was ripped out. He was conscious but barely. His breathing was slow and his hair was tangled. I brushed it out of his face and caressed his cheek ever so lightly. He was weeping softly and his makeup was smeared. “I wish that I could take it away. Take away all of your pain.” A tear rolled down his cheek and I wiped it away.
“I hate for you to see me like this.”
I started to quietly sing to him the first song that came to mind.
“I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That’s why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you”
The next day I called Ryan to see when we could hang out again. He sounded gloomy as he told me, “My dad got laid off last night and I need to get a job to help out with the bills and such.”
“Oh,” I said, sad that his dad got laid off and sad that this meant we couldn’t spend as much time together. “I guess that mean’s your dad will be home more often.”
“Yeah, but he still has that other job so he’s gone during the day.”
“Well, where are you thinking of getting a job?”
“I heard that Hot Topic was hiring.”
“Score! Discounts!”
He laughed. “We’ll see. I’m scheduled for an interview tomorrow.”
“Cool. Call me afterwards, okay?”
“Okay.” We said our goodbyes and a few days after the interview he called me.
“Hello?”
“I got the job!”
“Awesome. When do you start?”
“Tomorrow!”
“I would come visit you but I don’t want to get you fired on your first day.”
“I doubt you would do that.”
“Of course I would… not…” We chatted for a few minutes and he said he’d come over to my house later on that night. The doorbell rang a few hours later. “I GOT IT!” I yelled throughout the house. I let Ryan in and my eyes were instantly drawn to the huge bruise on his face. “What happened?”
“Nothing. I’m just clumsy.” He kissed my cheek. I didn’t believe him and he knew it.
My mother walked in the living room. “Hello, Ryan.”
“Hi.”
“How have you been?”
“Fine and you?”
“Great.” She walked closer. “What happened to you honey?” He had grown on my mom a little considering the countless hours he spent at our house.
“My clumsiness.”
Mom nodded and looked at me. She didn’t believe him either. My God he sucked at lying. She left and Ryan and I headed to my room. I cracked the door ‘cause Mom didn’t allow doors closed, especially when boys are in the room. He sat down on my bed and turned on the TV. “What happened for real?” I asked. My voice was apprehensive.
“Nothing. Stop asking about it.”
“No.” I turned off the TV. “Tell me now,” I ordered.
He sighed. “Look, my dad has had more time on his hands and he picked up drinking again. It’s not his fault though. He’s just stressed out.”
“He hit you?”
Ryan gave me a look that said yes. I was about to say something but Ryan said, “It was my mistake. I did something stupid. I deserved it.”
“No, you don’t deserve it. I don’t care what you did.”
“It’s not a big deal. He doesn’t do it a lot.”
“He’s done this before?!”
“A few years back but like I said, it’s not a big deal.”
“How can you say that?”
“’Cause it’s true.” I didn’t say anything; I just looked into his eyes. “I’ve dealt with it before I can deal with it again.”
“If anything ever gets too bad you can always come here.”
“Okay.” He said softly. I gently touched the bruise, which was the size of a large fist might I add, and he winced a little. Why? I asked myself. Why would anyone want to harm this beautiful face? He took hold of both of my hands in his and said, “I’m okay. Trust me.” I nodded. We got comfortable and watched TV for awhile. We must’ve dozed off because when I woke up it was 10:00, two hours later. Ryan was still asleep. I would’ve woken him up but he looked so peaceful. His hair hung in his face covering most of the discoloration. His body rose and fell with each breath. I smiled and stroked his hair affectionately. I got up quietly, put a cover over him, and kissed his cheek. I turned off the light and went to the living room to sleep because Mom would’ve gone crazy if she found us sleeping in the same bed. In the same room, for that matter.
In the morning, I got up early to fix breakfast. Mom was up exercising. “I see your little boyfriend slept over last night.”
“We fell asleep and I didn’t want to wake him up.”
“Uh-huh.”
“At least I moved to the living room.”
“I see that.”
I just walked away. Why was she harassing me this early in the morning? I looked in the fridge to see what I could cook. “Hmm… eggs, bacon, where the eff are the waffles?” I searched and decided to settle for toast. I started two pans on the stove so I could cook the eggs and bacon at the same time. A few minutes later, my brother and sister came in the kitchen.
“Ooh, eggs.” John said.
“What are you doing?” Jae asked.
“What does it look like?”
“It looks as if the world has turned completely upside down.”
“I can cook and you know it.”
“But you choose not to.”
“Whatever.”
Mom walked in and smelled the air. “Smells good. Whatcha cooking?”
“Bacon, eggs, and toast.”
“I see,” she said inspecting the way I was going about making breakfast. “Looks good.”
That’s when Ryan walked in. He was rubbing his eyes and his hair was a hot mess. I laughed a little under my breath. How adorable was he? “What am I still doing here?” He sounded groggy.
“Well you fell asleep last night and I didn’t want to wake you.”
“My dad’s gonna kill me.”
CRAP! I hadn’t thought of that. I didn’t want my mom to know the situation so I acted as if it were a joke. “No he’s not.” I turned to Jae. “Tend the food for a second.” Ryan and I walked back to my room. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t think of that,” I said once we were out of earshot.
“Don’t worry about it. I didn’t mean literally. He’ll just get a little pissed off.”
“I don’t want to get you hurt. Plus today is you first day on the job.”
“Wow… I totally forgot. I don’t have to be there for another three hours though.”
“Great. So can you stay for breakfast?”
“Yeah but I need to brush my teeth.”
I led him to the bathroom. I looked in the drawer and found nothing. “Crap! We’re out of extra toothbrushes.”
“I can just use yours.”
“Normally, I’m picky about stuff like that but I guess since we kiss and stuff.” He grinned. “Now brush up Stinky Breath so you can come eat.”
“Okay.”
I went back into the kitchen and took over again. The eggs were about done and I only had a few pieces of bacon left. That’s when I put in the toast. Good thing we had a toaster that held four pieces of bread. I asked Jae to set up the table. She mumbled and grumbled but did it anyway. Ryan came in just as everyone was taking a seat. He had brushed his hair and washed up. He offered to help me serve the food but I said no. Finally everyone was seated and eating. “This is pretty good honey,” my mom said.
I smiled. “Thanks.”
“Now, if only you would cook when Ryan wasn’t around.”
I rolled my eyes and sighed. Ryan giggled a little. “Yeah,” John added. “You’re only cooking ‘cause your boyfriend is here.”
“Shut up,” I said and smacked the back of his head. Ryan giggled again. Must they embarrass me always and forever? Note to self- Tell them all to sleep with one eye open. After breakfast Ryan offered to help clean up but of course I said no. “You have to go back home and get changed for your first day at work.”
“Fine.” I accompanied him to the door. “Breakfast was good babe.”
“You’re just saying that ‘cause you don’t want to hurt my feelings.”
“No, ‘cause if it tasted like crap I would’ve said ‘Damn, this taste like crap’.”
“Thanks for the demonstration.”
“No problem.”
“What time do you get off?”
“Seven.”
“I’m gonna come over after you get off, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.” We gave each other a light peck on the lips and he left.
I came back inside and cleaned up. I was so bored. What was I going to so do until seven? I decided to exercise and then take a nap. When I woke up it was three. I sighed and watched TV until seven. “Mom, I’m going to Ryan’s place.”
“What time will you be back?”
“Around ten or eleven.”
“Okay.”
I slipped on my shoes and headed out. Even though we both lived far from school we didn’t live too far from each other. Walking only took 15 to 20 minutes. Halfway there I remembered that I had left my cell phone. “Crap,” I mumbled. When I got there it was 7:30. I saw his car in the driveway so I knocked on the door. He opened the door and let me in. “Hey babe,” I said. “How was your first day at work?”
“Great. I love working there.”
“Already?”
“Already.” He kissed me tenderly and pulled away seductively. “C’mon, check out my new snake.” We went to his room and he showed off his three foot long pet. That’s when we heard a knock on the door. My heart started pounding. Ryan’s eyes got wide. “Fuck! He’s not supposed to be here for another hour or so!” I went with him to get the door.
Ryan’s dad walked in right passed us and stopped a few feet later. He turned around and looked at me. “Who the hell is this?”
“Dad this is Jess.”
“Hmm… Sounds familiar.”
“I told you about her.”
“Not ringing any bells.”
“You were probably drunk.”
“Fuck you.”
Ryan sighed and his dad went to his room and slammed the door. “Fuck you.” Ryan murmured.
“Wow,” was all I could say.
“He’s such an asshole. Forget him.” We sat on the couch and cuddled when his dad came in a little while later.
“It’s time for your little lady friend to go home.”
“But she just got here.”
“I’ll go home Ryan. It’s not a problem.” I didn’t want Ryan to get in a fight with his dad.
“Yes. It is a problem. She just got here and she’s not leaving yet.” Dammit. Why did Ryan always have to be so stubborn?
Ryan’s dad looked as if he was hanging on to his last strand of sanity. “Look, I’m glad to see you’re not the faggot I thought you were but you need to tell her to leave.”
I grabbed my hoodie and was about to head out of the door when Ryan grasped my arm and pulled me back. “Let go, Ryan,” I said, a little scared. I tried to pull away but he was too strong. I sat back down.
“She’s not fucking leaving so you can hit me.”
“Watch your tone.”
“Watch your drinking.”
He slapped Ryan hard across the face. “I said watch your fucking tone.”
I stood up and held onto Ryan. “Leave him alone.”
“Get out of my house.”
I turned back to Ryan and whispered, “Come home with me.”
He looked at me with tears in his eyes. “I can’t.”
That’s when Ryan’s dad ripped him away from me and pushed him into his room. He went into the room too and before I could react he had locked Ryan and himself inside. “What did I fucking tell you about the way you talk to me?” I heard a fist hit something. Somewhere on Ryan’s body.
I pounded on the door. “Let me in you fucking asshole! Don’t you hurt him anymore!” I was crying and I could hardly breathe. “Ryan! I’m right here!”
“Shut the fuck up!” his dad yelled. I couldn’t hear Ryan at all. All I could hear was kicks and punches and his dad yelling “This will teach you!” and “You’re a worthless piece of shit!” and other things like that.
My arms were getting tired and my throat was hurting. Then there was silence. I heard him whisper something and then spit. “You dirty son of a bitch!” I yelled.
He opened the door and since I was leaning against it I fell in. I lay on the ground in fear. He stooped down and said in a low and threatening voice, “If only I could beat the shit out of you too.” He walked away and I heard the front door open and slam.
I saw Ryan less than a few feet away curled up on the floor. I inched next to him and put his head in my lap. He was bruised badly with minor cuts and scratches. His piercing was ripped out. He was conscious but barely. His breathing was slow and his hair was tangled. I brushed it out of his face and caressed his cheek ever so lightly. He was weeping softly and his makeup was smeared. “I wish that I could take it away. Take away all of your pain.” A tear rolled down his cheek and I wiped it away.
“I hate for you to see me like this.”
I started to quietly sing to him the first song that came to mind.
“I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That’s why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you”