Secret
Chapter 20
-Chapter 20-
“I’m so stupid,” I muttered walking to the car. I sat on the hood when I noticed something moist in my hand. “Shit.” I was bleeding profusely from my palms. “Not again.” I had done it without even noticing. I wiped the blood on my pants and thought. Are we officially broken up? Did he mean what he said? Did I mean what I said? Would he continue to live with us? How will we both ride home in the same car when we’re at each other’s necks? So many questions and thoughts filled m mind that I could scarcely think straight.
“Yeah, I’ll see you later,” I heard. I looked up and saw Ryan leaving the house. My heart pounded hard again. What to say? What to say? I pulled out a stick of gum and began chewing. He walked over with his head down and sat next to me. Nothing but crickets and the flicker of the broken streetlight was to be heard for at least three minutes. “I…,” Ryan started. He paused for a few seconds. “I’ll still love you.” A knot began to form in my throat. “I’ll move back in with my dad and we can still talk. I’ll drive you home and get my stuff.”
Silence choked us once more. I broke it. “Why are we fighting?”
“Because we’re both stubborn.”
I wanted to tell him that I forgave him, that I was sorry, but I didn’t know how to phrase it. “I don’t want this.”
“What?”
“I don’t want to be away from you.” It took a lot of guts to say that. He was right. I was stubborn. My pride wouldn’t even let me express my love for someone that I truly cared about.
“I don’t want to be away from you either but…”
“But what?”
“I think we need a break.”
I sighed. As much as I hated to admit it, I think he was right. “I don’t want you to go back to your dad.”
“Well, I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
“You can still stay with us.”
“Wouldn’t that be a bit awkward?”
“I’m sure we’d get used to it.” The words were flowing more freely now.
“Okay,” he said softly and unsure. We were quiet for awhile when he grabbed my hand suddenly, making me jump. “What the fuck?!” Damn, I thought. He had seen my hands. “This is exactly what I mean by unstable.”
“I didn’t mean too. It just happened. I didn’t even realize I had done it.”
He scoffed. “Fuck.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“You act as if I don’t care about you. I care if you hurt yourself. I don’t like it. It’s my fault.”
“It’s not your fault. It’s mine ‘cause I’m a fucking idiot.”
“You’re not and you know it.”
“Whatever.”
He sighed and said, “Let’s go now.” We got in the car and ride home was hushed except for The Used playing softly in the stereo.
We went inside and went straight to sleep after saying our goodnights. I had been sleeping on the sofa since Ryan moved in and I had gotten quite used to it. But I couldn’t sleep. I just lay awake staring at the ceiling. I turned to my side and started to sob. I was so weak and pathetic that I sickened myself. Just then I heard shuffling of feet and fumbling. I figured it was mom up for her midnight snack or something so I faked like I was sleeping. I felt someone sit beside me. “I’m so sorry,” I heard Ryan say. What was he doing awake at fricking two in the morning? I kept my eyes shut. “I can’t sleep.” He sighed and rubbed my hair.
I wonder if he was faking when I talked to him while he was sleeping? I thought.
“I love you and don’t want to hurt you but…” He drifted off. “I don’t know what to say or how to say it.” I wanted to cry so badly. He kissed my forehead. “I love you.” And with that he got up and left.
“I’m so stupid,” I muttered walking to the car. I sat on the hood when I noticed something moist in my hand. “Shit.” I was bleeding profusely from my palms. “Not again.” I had done it without even noticing. I wiped the blood on my pants and thought. Are we officially broken up? Did he mean what he said? Did I mean what I said? Would he continue to live with us? How will we both ride home in the same car when we’re at each other’s necks? So many questions and thoughts filled m mind that I could scarcely think straight.
“Yeah, I’ll see you later,” I heard. I looked up and saw Ryan leaving the house. My heart pounded hard again. What to say? What to say? I pulled out a stick of gum and began chewing. He walked over with his head down and sat next to me. Nothing but crickets and the flicker of the broken streetlight was to be heard for at least three minutes. “I…,” Ryan started. He paused for a few seconds. “I’ll still love you.” A knot began to form in my throat. “I’ll move back in with my dad and we can still talk. I’ll drive you home and get my stuff.”
Silence choked us once more. I broke it. “Why are we fighting?”
“Because we’re both stubborn.”
I wanted to tell him that I forgave him, that I was sorry, but I didn’t know how to phrase it. “I don’t want this.”
“What?”
“I don’t want to be away from you.” It took a lot of guts to say that. He was right. I was stubborn. My pride wouldn’t even let me express my love for someone that I truly cared about.
“I don’t want to be away from you either but…”
“But what?”
“I think we need a break.”
I sighed. As much as I hated to admit it, I think he was right. “I don’t want you to go back to your dad.”
“Well, I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
“You can still stay with us.”
“Wouldn’t that be a bit awkward?”
“I’m sure we’d get used to it.” The words were flowing more freely now.
“Okay,” he said softly and unsure. We were quiet for awhile when he grabbed my hand suddenly, making me jump. “What the fuck?!” Damn, I thought. He had seen my hands. “This is exactly what I mean by unstable.”
“I didn’t mean too. It just happened. I didn’t even realize I had done it.”
He scoffed. “Fuck.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“You act as if I don’t care about you. I care if you hurt yourself. I don’t like it. It’s my fault.”
“It’s not your fault. It’s mine ‘cause I’m a fucking idiot.”
“You’re not and you know it.”
“Whatever.”
He sighed and said, “Let’s go now.” We got in the car and ride home was hushed except for The Used playing softly in the stereo.
We went inside and went straight to sleep after saying our goodnights. I had been sleeping on the sofa since Ryan moved in and I had gotten quite used to it. But I couldn’t sleep. I just lay awake staring at the ceiling. I turned to my side and started to sob. I was so weak and pathetic that I sickened myself. Just then I heard shuffling of feet and fumbling. I figured it was mom up for her midnight snack or something so I faked like I was sleeping. I felt someone sit beside me. “I’m so sorry,” I heard Ryan say. What was he doing awake at fricking two in the morning? I kept my eyes shut. “I can’t sleep.” He sighed and rubbed my hair.
I wonder if he was faking when I talked to him while he was sleeping? I thought.
“I love you and don’t want to hurt you but…” He drifted off. “I don’t know what to say or how to say it.” I wanted to cry so badly. He kissed my forehead. “I love you.” And with that he got up and left.