I Need To Find My Way Back To The Start

I couldn’t sleep that night. I hadn’t gotten one lick of sleep. Not at all. And every time I was just thinking that I could feel Sleep gracing me with her wonderful presence—caressing my eyelids and mind with her antique magic—I would realize that I was still staring across my dark room, into nothingness since my eyes couldn’t quite interpret what they were looking at. I was only dozing off…

You would think that tonight was the night before a super huge event, like the first day of high school, or the day before a competition or game, or something. Anything huge, great, immense like that.

It was for me, though. It really was. Tomorrow wouldn’t be something dramatic like my birthday, (thank God), and it wasn’t the night before going on a tropical vacation or anything. They were coming home. And since in England it was eight hours ahead of Arizona that meant that they would leave from the airport at a reasonable hour and arrive at home at some ridiculous hour in the morning. So that also meant that at every little creak of the walls or floor, shiver of wind, rapping of the tree outside the window, I would jump a little and tune my hearing in big time, to its fullest. But that tiny little sound or noise that would alert me originally would never be followed by a series of more sounds. Garrett wasn’t walking through the door yet…

I flipped over to the right side of my body, to check the clock and to try to find a better position to get comfortable and possibly rest in. The clock’s bright numbers—so bright that they seemed like they were screaming at me, as if yelling at me to just fall asleep already—read 1:24 A.M. The time disappointed me, as well as the fact that this new way my body was positioned at wasn’t calling the slumber to my mind and body any faster.

“Where are they?” A plane, maybe, over the ocean. Or they could possibly be in a car, each member getting dropped off to a dark, sleeping house. I wished for the second possibility as hard as possible. Maybe if life was nice to me, that’ll be the case.

Ha.

The fatigue was quickly catching up with my body as I started wondering about the most random, absurd things, such as what color shirts each of the boys were wearing at the moment. I started at one band member and then worked my way all around the group, thinking of a color and pondering the explanation as to why I would pick that color. I chose Kennedy wearing either purple or white with a large logo or design on the front. Purple because it was his favorite color by far, and the other simply because it seemed that Kenny often wore something beneath that portrayal. Next came Jared. I was thinking green for Jared, possibly blue. There was no reason for my choices. I think it was because those two soft, tranquil colors represented the wonderful Jared in one way or another. My brother followed Jared. I imagined him gray, because he wore gray a lot. Or perhaps black—like his soul. Just kidding! Anyway, Pat’s beautiful, boyish face floated to my mind subsequently. The first thing I thought was definitely green—fun, loving, calm but spontaneous, caring, and helpful. Green suited him. Finishing with Pat, I knew that I couldn’t let myself skip off with John. Not that I could help myself think about him and his color anyhow…

White. When I thought about John and his beautiful bright, striking eyes, I always pictured him in a white shirt. It was a given, it seemed. The especially bright, flawless color made his eyes brighter and made his skin glow a little more. He truly looked like an angel. If only for the moment, when you’re only looking at him. Just wait until he opens his mouth for the first time.

I couldn’t help but let a small, drowsy, lazy laugh slip out. I could still feel a dozy, lethargic smile pulling at my lips. I felt like that was the only thing I could feel.

White. White was a good color on John. Especially when he wears those white v-necks. His collarbone is profound since the boy is so tall and skinny. But don’t let that fool you. That may make him sound like some awkward, lanky, nerdy dork, but really… In a white, thin t-shirt, you could see his torso pretty clearly, and let me tell you… There was nothing nerdy about it. The white fabric clung and hung in all the right places, starting in his chest and going down towards his belly button and-

“Shit,” I hissed as I heard a more evident, obvious noise compared to the petty little sound of the house. I sat up a little and my head spun a little with dizziness and exhaustion. When I heard the hollow, stiff noise again, I shot right up out of bed and out my room. The excitement built up inside of me and made every fleck of tiredness cower in the corner of my brain. I really, really hoped that these noises weren’t just my mom going to get some water or something.

As I trotted silently down the hallway, I kept my gaze on the entranceway of the staircase. It felt like I wasn’t going fast enough, or I wasn’t moving at all, or even the stairs were moving themselves. It reminded me of that dream I once had in the summer, where I couldn’t move at all and there was absolute darkness.

Wait. Could I possibly be dreaming?

I faltered in my movements as I quietly debated this within my head. I was just about to come to a complete stop at the top of the stairs, when I know that I saw a dark figure standing and leaning over in front of the door. The silhouette even cursed a couple muted times!

It’s Garrett, it’s Garrett!

I bounded down the stairs, practically feeling like I just flew over them, and skidded across the hardwood floor, and into the dark, cursing, shadow—also known as Garrett. My arms instantly wrapped around his frame until the point where I felt like a tick clinging onto a dog for dear life.

“Shit! What the—Cara?”

“Garrett, Garrett! Oh my God, Garrett, it’s you!”

I felt my brother stiffly move under me, (stiff, because I was most likely cutting his circulation off), and bend over to put down another one of his bags. “Uh, yeah,” he whispered, but loud enough for me to still hear him over my excitement and rapid breathing. “Er, hi, Cara.”

“I missed you so much!” I tried to whisper, but it more sounded like when you’re trying to get a little kid to whisper and it’s still loud.

He laughed a little and tried to pry me off him. He was wearing a dark leather-looking jacket and it smelled funny—different. It smelled… British?

Heh.

“You smell weird,” I mumbled. It was quieter than my whispering voice.

“Airport?” I gave a small nod. “Why aren’t you in bed? Wait. You weren’t waiting up for me, were you?”

“I washed your sheets and bedspread yesterday,” I stated in a rather childish, small voice. I wasn’t paying attention too much at what he was saying—only the fact that he was finally here. They were finally here.

“Uh, thank you, Cara. That was nice. Now answer me and release me. Now,” he ordered, as if I were some combination of dog and preschooler.

I obeyed and looked up at him before answering, “I couldn’t sleep and I heard big noises down here. It was you.” I smiled a little towards the end.

Garrett sighed and pulled me away from him. He stared down at me for a moment—almost awkwardly but that’s how Garrett always acts—and then handed me two of the lighter bags. I turned around without words, Garrett a few steps behind me, and carried them back up to his clean room and then came back down for more.

As I was leaning over to retrieve a pillow and another bag, this one heavier, Garrett stated bluntly, “You cleaned my room.”

“Aren’t I nice? I definitely am the best sister ever, Garrett. You should appreciate me more.”

“I feel like I should be pissed that you went in there and probably snooped around-”

“I did not!”

“-but I’m just going to hold off and say thank you, Cara.”

“Welcome, Garrett!”

“Keep your voice down, ass clown!” Ah. The true Garrett returns.

“Hey,” I started. “Um… So the other day…”

“Oh God,” he muttered, running a hand through his hair. “What?”

“Mom… she said I could drop out. I was so ecstatic!”

“Did she really?” I nodded quickly, anxiously. “Damn. I’m surprised…”

“Really?” My voice held a tone that not even I could recognize. It was something that had to do with disappointment and surprise.

“Yeah, sort of. I don’t know why…”

***

Eyes slowly but surely opening and blinking vigorously to get the previous slumber away, and stiff muscles coursing throughout my body. When I was awake enough to see around me without my vision being blurry, I yawned. Then I noticed something—I wasn’t in my room…

The walls were white in here. Mine were not white. On the walls were a few posters and pictures, but none of them belonged to me. Around the room lay bags and an instrument bag in the shape of a guitar. However, the carpet—which I was currently lounging about upon—was the same as mine.

I was in Garrett’s room, apparently.

I shuffled a little bit, an unfamiliar material brushing up against my arms and the rest of my torso. When I looked down, it happened to be my brother’s jacket that he was wearing from last night. When I bent my head down and sniffed it, it still smelled the same. Along with this jacket were two blankets. They were two spares we kept in the hall closet for guests or whomever else wanted or needed them. I then looked down at the floor in front of me and saw Garrett’s pillow. Had I fallen asleep in here?

“Garrett?” I whispered, still a little perplexed. “Garrett? Are you awake?”

I heard a long, grumbling groan sound from the center of the bed above me and then a definite, “No.”

“Okay. But why am I in your room?”

I heard the blankets that were keeping my brother warm shuffle and rustle about. I sat up a little more so I could just see Garrett slumping forward in a sitting position. He yawned and then answered, “You fell asleep almost immediately after we climb the stairs, pretty much. I didn’t want to carry your ass down the hall into your room so I left you here on the floor.”

“At least you covered me up,” I mumbled, trying to convince myself more than him.

Garrett let out a laugh. “Yeah. You’re not the only sibling that deserves a reward.”

I sighed and got up, my body stiff and rigid. I wiggled around and stretched a little bit to get some kinks and knots out. They loosened, but didn’t disappear. “What’s today?”

“Monday.”

I nodded calmly, the answer still sinking in. As I started to comprehend what day it was, my nodding became more and more sporadic. “Oh crap, Garrett! I had school today!”

Garrett gave a one-shoulder shrug. “Oh well. Nothing we can do about it now,” he said evenly. “Want me to call in and say you’re not feeling well? I’ll even use my man voice to make it sound more like Dad,” he continued, his voice dropping down as low as possible when saying ‘man.’

I laughed lightly. “Sure. Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it,” he replied, reaching for the phone. As he was dialing and putting the phone to his ear, he said, “Seriously. Don’t mention it.”

***

“CARA!”

“KENNEDY!” I threw my whole body at the lean, slim boy in my front doorway. His arms encircled my back and crushed me against his frame. “I missed you!”

“I freaking missed you, too!”

“Uh, can you two take this whole reunion thing into the house a little more, ‘cause you’re letting the air out,” disciplined Garrett, flipping through the channels idly.

I sighed and let go of Kennedy, only to get excited once again when I saw Jared. “JARED!” Again, I flung my body at him and enveloped him in a hug.

Laughing, he responded, “Cara!” He patted my back a couple times before releasing me and making his way to the couch. I stood in the open doorway, bouncing on my toes until I saw another vehicle pull up. Inside were John and some other guy.

John was the first to get out of the white, small truck, slamming the door shut behind him and stuffing the jingling keys into his pocket as he approached my house, the stranger not far behind. John was wearing a black shirt— I’m disgusted with myself to admit this, but I was disappointed he wasn’t wearing white; not that the black didn’t look fine on him or anything…

Then I realized that I must have looked stupid just standing there in the doorway, waiting for these two people to enter my home, but just seeing John coming closer was just sort of… surreal.

“Hey, Cara,” John greeted in his normal, smooth voice.

I attempted to smile, but the slight wince was rather evident as his silky voice reached my ears. “Hello,” I replied, stepping aside so he and the stranger could come in. John’s wink didn’t make my knees go weak like it did last time, but the bottom of my spine still tingled a little as he passed by and I caught a whiff of his heavenly cologne.

However, the new guy stopped in front of me, his eyes darting from my face, to my clothes, to my feet, and back up to meet my eyes again. His eyes were rather piercing and his features were thin and pointed. His hand was scratching a part of his shorthaired head. “You’re pretty much exactly what I pictured.”

I could feel my eyebrow lift and my head angle to the side. His voice sounded familiar and his lack of shyness was ringing a bell. Then I remembered it. “Are you Peter?”

“Oh, you’re a bright one!” The stranger, now known as Peter commented as he passed me to sit on the couch.

I shook my head back and forth and started closing the door, only for it to be stopped midway. “Aren’t I invited, too?”

My heart skipped two beats; once when his voice met my ears, and the second time when I gazed up at his face. “Pat! Oh my God, Pat!” My hands instantly went around his neck and pulled him to me.

“What the hell! Like everyone but John and I got hugs! What gives?”

I adjusted my head so that I could see Peter on the couch. I was still hugging Pat. “I don’t even know you, Peter.”

“Uh, yeah, you do! We had fucking phone sex,” he loudly retorted, pointing a bony finger in my direction.

“Um… Alright then. Whatever you say,” I answered back nonchalantly.

Peter replied, “No, whatever you say.”

…What kind of things was this kid snorting?