I Need To Find My Way Back To The Start

“Hi, did you want anything to drink, Miss?”

“Oh, uh, I’m good for now. I’m waiting for somebody, but thank you anyway,” I replied to the young, blonde waitress. She nodded once and gave me a striking smile before disappearing to another table. I bothered to check the time on the wall just as she walked by my table again.

12:02

Why the hell was I even here? Why didn’t I just close the phone right when I found out that it was John that texted me? Why, instead, did I feebly reply with an agreement to his random demand? Why did John even want me here? Why?

Because I’m crazy. That was why. Well, that was the only logical explanation. I’ve been pretty clear with my insanity and myself for a while now.

12:04

Was this a joke or something? Did he want me to look like a lonely moron? I definitely felt like one right now, that’s for sure. However, it wasn’t all because of the fact that I was sitting in this little deli-like/café-like place by myself with no food or drink. The main reason was because I actually said yes to this. I let him talk me into this. But the truth was, was that he didn’t even have to charm me into coming here! He just instructed me to come and so, I agreed. Every time I thought about it and the more I dwelled on this, the angrier I got with myself.

12:06

If John doesn’t get here by the time it’s 12:10, then I’m leaving and I won’t even look back as I walk out.

Why were the minutes seeming like they were ticking past by two’s? It was annoying. This was annoying. He was annoying. Then why the heck didn’t I make that clear to him?

“Hey.” I looked up and saw John just taking his black sunglasses off and sitting down, and—ugh—he was wearing a white shirt…

“Hi,” I mumbled. I fumbled with the corner of the square table. I tried to stop, but something about the pointy corner of the table was appealing to my fingers, I guess. I took a breath and pointed out, “It’s 12:08. You’re late.”

Something danced in John’s light eyes as he smugly replied with, “So?”

“So,” I emphasized, “That’s every minute that I could’ve possibly just walked right out of here and not even turn back.”

“Nah,” he responded as he leaned back in his chair a little, stretching his left, very long leg out. “You wouldn’t have left.”

My eyes involuntarily narrowed at not only his words, but his tone as well. “And what is that supposed to mean?”

John smiled wickedly, like he knew something that I didn’t, and it was oh so very clear. Like he was smart and I was dumb. “If there was any chance that you’d leave, then you wouldn’t have decided to come in the first place—but guess what? You did, Cara. You wouldn’t be going anywhere,” he stated, the cockiness evident in his voice. “So does it even matter that I was a few minutes late?”

His words made me so mad that I didn’t even have a proper, sharp retort to any of that. The only thing that could come in a murmur was, “Now you’re making me wish that I never came.”

He let out a little laugh. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry and I’m here now, so calm down. Stop fuming in your seat over there.”

I shook my head and just as I was about to ask why I was even brought here in the first place, the same waitress from earlier came back, her smiling looking like it wasn’t going anywhere any time soon. Probably because of John, I’d imagine. “Hi there! I’m Taylor. Can I get you anything?” I noticed how when she asked me earlier, she never gave me her name. Of course, she told John it.

“I’ll have some water, thanks,” he blankly replied, his eyes still boring into mine.

“Aw, that’s it?” Her deep pink lips were swayed into a pout. “We have all these new flavor lattes and smoothies. They’re so yummy! You should try my favorite, it’s called Pink Strawberry De-”

“Just water’s fine. Thank you,” John cut her off. Taylor blinked her honey brown eyes, the pout still on her face, and left.

“You’re so nice, John.”

He shrugged carelessly. “Oh well. She had it coming.”

I threw him a rather wild, contemptuous look and said, “Okay then… Why did you tell me to come here? We’re in public after all, so you can’t spontaneously kiss me like you seem to love to do so often.”

John smiled. It was a very, very proud smile. Almost too proud. “I wanted to see you. I missed you, after all.”

“Why?”

His eyes widened a little. “What do you mean ‘why?’ I just missed you! We went to Europe for a bit, if you don’t remember. I’m sure you do though. I could tell when you gave everybody but me a hug when we came over.”

“I didn’t give Peter a hug,” I stated lowly, remembering the strange person quite clearly.

“Of course you didn’t! You don’t know him and he’s weird, so he doesn’t count. But the point is that it hurt when I was excluded from everybody else. Besides, you might as well put a big arrow pointing in this direction to show that things are going on between us.”

“There’s nothing going on between us,” I retorted.

“Wow. That’s a big, fat lie right there, Cara. You can lie to yourself about wanting me all you want, but don’t lie to me about it, especially when I have proof. I know you like me.”

Taylor came back and placed John’s water near his arm. When she went away, I stated, “Stop it! I-I have a boyfriend! And he’s your friend and he’s in the same band you are!”

John sighed and ran a hand in his hair. “So? Juliet was totally and completely off limits to Romeo and they-”

“Ended in an unnecessary death due to hate. Do not compare us to Romeo and Juliet because this is nothing like that! It’s not even a love story anyway. It’s a h-”

“A hate story. I get it. But, Cara… You don’t even give me a chance. It’s like, from the start, you’ve rejected me. I tell you that I like you and-”

“No, that’s not true, John! You never say anything just straight up and simple. It’s always complicated, and has double-meanings, and it’s all mind games. It’s scary and hard. Maybe that’s why I stay away from you. Everything is intimidating.”

“Then how the hell do you expect to work for us and to tour with us if I’m going to be around you 24/7?”

“I…” I didn’t know. I don’t know. I’ve never even thought about it…

“You don’t even know,” he called me out on it. “You haven’t thought this through completely.”

“I have,” I defended. I wasn’t going to let him get to me that easy. “But, like we’ve already established, I try to stay away from you, so yeah… I try not to think about you.” The last part of my explanation was said softer, since not only did I not want to admit it to John, but also to myself.

“Ah ha… Now we’re getting somewhere.” His beautiful face held a small smirk. I could tell that he was trying not to smirk full on though.

I didn’t say anything. I’ve just about been defeated. I’ve almost lost the battle. John’s nearly won. “Alright,” I whispered. “You’re right, okay?”

“About what, dear?” He took a sip of water, seemingly innocent, but the big, fat smirk that I could see through the clear glass of water gave it away.

“I…” I sighed. How was I going to put this? I didn’t want to say anything out loud, or even think it, but I was trapped. John tricked me, pretty much. “I guess that I… sort of… in a way, have… feelings for you…”

John scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Now you had to make it sound so difficult and complicated?”

It was my turn to roll my eyes back at him now. “You… You should have been a lawyer or something.” He just smiled. I smiled back as my stomach lurched forward a little bit. “So… Is this it? You just… wanted to see me? That’s it? That’s why you told me to come here?”

He shrugged. “I was gonna make a move, of course, but you know. I just got you to admit that you like me, so I’m not about to push my luck too much.”

“Uh…Right. Good choice.”

“But still,” he started back up, already making a stupid decision and pushing things. I knew that it’d be too good to be true. John wouldn’t let things off that easy. “When Pat let you know that he liked you, back in the summer, you were nice and okay with it. Then when I tell you-”

I licked my lips and pulled some hair behind my ear. I was frustrated and a little jumpy at the sudden turn this already-odd conversation went into. Then I remembered when Pat first told me he had feelings for me—during the game of hide-and-go-seek behind that large hotel bush. “You don’t even know what went on between Pat and I anyhow. So stop talking like you do know.”

“You’re right,” John admitted calmly, messing with the glass of water in front of him. “I don’t know for sure what happened the day or night that Pat told you, but I’m sure I have a general idea.”

“Oh?” I asked, my tone beyond aggravated now and somewhat taunting. “So you know that when Pat confessed his feelings for me, I told him that something was holding me back? Did you know that part of the conversation, John?”

John didn’t say anything for a moment, and it was then that my confidence level started to slowly increase. It was then that my hope seemed to get brighter with the possible victory that could come from this.

Then, with not as much self-assurance as John normally speaks with, he responded, “Garrett obviously doesn-”

“I wasn’t even thinking about Garrett when that happened, so if it’s my brother that you think was keeping me from Pat in the summer, then you’re wrong, John,” I interrupted surely.

Finally, it clicked in John’s mind—I could tell that he knew from the look in his eyes and the slow pride that spread across his face. He knew it was him that was holding me back from becoming Pat’s girlfriend right then behind that bush in the dirt during the pitch black summer night. But John didn’t say anything for more than a few moments, like I figured he would do. It was pretty obvious what he was thinking. He was most likely thinking about the sort of hold—control—he had on and over me back then in the summer. John was probably wondering if now—the month of September now coming to an end— whether or not he had that sort of power over my mind and myself.

However, he still didn’t say anything. So to break the silence, I decided to let him know that I actually knew what he was thinking. “Quit wondering if I’m still under your control, because I’m not.”

“Well, yeah, of course you’re not. We haven’t been around each other for… a while. I probably don’t have as much of an effect on you now because you’ve been kept away from me.”

He says it like someone’s been locking me away from him or something. I made sure not that say that out loud though, in fear of starting a whole different thing here. Then I decided to suggest something. It was something so simple, that I had never really even thought about it before this second. “John?”

“Yeah?”

“Instead of it being… strange like this—this relationship as people, I mean—maybe we should… try to be friends. Instead of random kisses in the isolated kitchen, we could talk and get to know each other. You know,” I encouraged with half of a shrug.

Something flickered across John’s gray eyes. It was clearly amusement, but his face didn’t go along with his eyes and mock me. “Would that make things less scary for you?”

Okay, so his words were a little teasing… “Uh,” I said gently. “Yeah. It would make us on better terms and I’d have some more respect for you, honestly.”

“So I’d be on your good list… Okay, I’ll buy it,” he agreed, a large smile on his flawless face.

“Good,” I mumbled, slumping in the chair. I nearly felt like I had just had a workout.

And this was sort of Day 1 of me and John’s new relationship…