The Bird and the Worm

((Brian’s POV))

“Brian, what are you still up for? It’s nearly one in the morning.” Jimmy scratched his head and yawned as he settled into a seat across from me, and I offered a tired smile, running my thumb along the handle of the coffee mug I held between my hands. “Are you okay, Bri? Nothing happened with Heather, right? I mean, she’s okay and all?”

“I don’t know,” I sighed. “She wanted some time alone, so I think she’s thinking over the way things have been going with her mom lately. She seemed okay when I left her, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to go check on her.” My eyes flickered up to meet his concerned gaze. “I don’t know what I’d do if I found her crying.” I bit my lip, and Jimmy nodded, understanding.

“Do you want me to go talk to her? Crying girls are kind of my specialty, you know. I like making people feel better.” He offered a smile, though it looked tired.

“You don’t have to, but I really don’t like the thought of her being all depressed.”

Jimmy winked. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll go talk to her, and then I’ll come let you know when she’s ready for some Brian Haner lovin’, alright?” I nodded slightly, drinking from my coffee. He rose, patting my shoulder as he passed me, and then meandered to the bunks. I heard his soft voice say her name, almost as if he were questioning if she wanted company at all. Her shaking voice told him he could join her if he wanted, and then I heard him speaking gently to her, like a father comforting his daughter. I bit my lip and ran my hand through my disheveled hair. I felt terrible, even though I knew this sudden ire of emotion wasn’t my fault.

In an attempt to distract myself, I thought about what we’d done together just a little while ago, while the band played Guitar Hero at top volume, masking any noise we’d made. I thought it was ridiculous that Heather was so devoted to me that she had just shared herself with me like that. At least she’d have a story to tell her friends when she got home. That was what mattered, right? Giving her everything she wanted, just as I’d promised her? Didn’t a request for sex count, even when unspoken?

I moved the coffee cup away, resting my elbows on the table and holding my face in my hands, groaning softly. I felt like the jerk that had just stolen the virtue of the girl that was supposed to mean everything to him, and I hated that she didn’t want to cry in front of me. I wouldn’t have minded holding her close and rubbing her back as she let it all out of her system, but because Heather wanted to make sure the last day we had together was perfect, she didn’t want me to see her cry.

Intimidated by her selflessness, I closed my eyes and wallowed in the memory of what had transpired in the dark enclosure of my bunk.

((Heather’s POV))

Jimmy held me to his side, his hand running up and down along my arm, unfazed by the arm I’d draped over him and unfazed by the fact that my arm was tight on his waist, holding a reliable support system close. Above us, Matt’s snoring filled the abstract silence, and across the aisle from us, Johnny was silent, his reading light on, and I could see the shadow of him becoming deeply enthralled with a book in his hands.

“Brian told me something about your mother and how your relationship with her has gotten a little rocky.” I glanced up at him, sniffling a little, and I quickly wiped away my tears. “Do you want to talk about it? I mean…if it hurts you too much, you can go ahead and cry until whatever, but I’m willing to listen.” I bit my lip. “Okay so I’m not Brian and I can’t exactly kiss it better, but I think talking it through might help.”

When would the charity end? “You really want to help?” He nodded. I sighed, fishing through my thoughts for a moment, trying to think of a good place to start. When it dawned on me, I sighed, leaning against him again, feeling a little guilty for soaking his perfectly good shirt with my tears. “I don’t know…my mother just doesn’t approve of a lot of the things I do. She doesn’t like the fact that I listen to your music, she doesn’t like the fact that my wardrobe has consisted of black and red since I was thirteen, and she certainly doesn’t approve of the fact that I’m spending three days on a tour bus with you guys.”

Jimmy was silent, letting me vent. I was thankful for that. He was right. He wasn’t Brian, but talking about it was helping.

“Have you ever felt like…like what you do isn’t up to snuff?”

“Up to snuff?” he questioned.

“Yeah. Like nothing you do is good enough.”

He scoffed. “I haven’t felt like that since this band started. It’s hard to not have a good sense of your accomplishments when thousands of your loyal fans are screaming for more.” He half-smiled. “But I remember how not feeling up to snuff beats on your self-esteem, yeah.”

“My mother makes me feel that way every time I’m around her.”

“So why haven’t you gotten a house for yourself?”

“I don’t have enough money. I live in a dorm during the semester, and then I go home during breaks. It’s the only choice I have. But when I’m there, I pretty much close myself off in my room. The things my mother could say to me if she knew what I’ve done with Brian…”

This piqued his interest. Since I could feel curiosity emanating from his skinny yet fairly warm frame, I glanced up at him, and he met my gaze with a questioning eyebrow. “What have you done with Brian?” he asked me, and I blushed, biting my lip. “Oh.” He chuckled. “That doesn’t mean it’s something random, you know.”

“Yeah, I know, but I feel bad for sucking him into this…he’s been giving me everything I ask him for, and I feel a little guilty for asking so much of him.”

Jimmy hugged me tight to his chest, and I sighed, accepting this hug with relief. “Heather, I think you should know something.” I grunted against his chest, not really willing to keep lifting my head. “The thing with Brian is that he cares for you…a lot, actually. It’s almost border line ‘I wanna be your boyfriend’ love, really. But he’s still pretty bashed up about what Michelle did to him, and the fact that Val, one of his best friends, is her sister is really hard for him. So he’s kind of scared of opening up to you.” I was silent, processing this information. I already knew Brian cared for me, but I had no idea how hard it was for him to smile with me. “And the only reason I know is because he told me about the pier while you took a nap.” He paused again, and I was thankful that his chest hid my ridiculous blush. “None of the girls he’s tried to be with since Michelle have been that nonchalant about her constantly calling him to get him back.”

I felt a twisting pain of remorse in my chest. Jeez. Brian was just as tortured as I was.

“You really love him, don’t you.”

“Is it dumb that I do, even if I’ve only really known him for two days?”

“Nah. Sometimes, one second is all it takes.” My memory flashed to the café with my mother. He rubbed my back, and he was silent for a couple of minutes, letting me make sure that I wasn’t going to break down again. I didn’t like being this vulnerable when around the toughest guys I knew. When he finally spoke, it was obvious that he was working on cheering me up. “So you two actually got down to it, huh?” he asked, quietly enough so that even Johnny couldn’t hear him.

“Yeah.” I pulled myself from his arms, wiping away any leftover tears. My bawl fest was over, at least for the moment.

He flashed a smile. “You okay now?”

“Yeah.” I drew in a deep breath, and he slid out of the bunk. “I think I’m gonna go out to him, you know, make sure he knows how very dearly I appreciate what he’s done for me.” Jimmy seemed pleased by this, and he helped me out of the bunk. I was fairly certain that Johnny turned his head in my direction, probably smiling about the fact that I was feeling much better about myself, but I didn’t spend much time thinking about that. I walked out to the common area of the bus, where Brian was, and I bit my lip when I saw him.

His body was shaking slightly, and I heard soft sobs escaping his heavenly lips. I glanced back at Jimmy, but he only flashed a smile and winked, assuming I knew how to cheer up the man I’d been with constantly for the last fifty-ish hours. I turned my attention back to Brian, and I walked up behind him, touching my hand to his back. Because I was closer, I could see that he’d buried his face in his hands, and I knelt beside him, reaching out and stroking his face.

“Brian? Why are you crying?” My voice was surprisingly steady, and it was soft, like Jimmy’s had been just a few minutes ago. “Hey.” He turned his head to look at me, and his eyes were red. His lips were trembling slightly, and I touched my fingers to them, trying to understand. “Is it because of me?” He shook his head, and I bit my lip, staring into his chocolate eyes in order to find answers. I was kind of worried. The Synyster Gates I’d watched on stage countless times was not supposed to be broken like this. I was supposed to be able to make it better.

“No. It’s because I love you, and I’ve broken you, changed you…”

Wait a second. “You…you love me?”

He smiled a little. “Yeah, I guess so. It’s actually kind of hard not to, considering how welcoming you are.”

“Well then, if you love me, why are you crying about it?” I raised an eyebrow at him, and he sighed, dragging his hand through his hair. “I mean…love is supposed to make people happy, not sad.” He nodded slightly in agreement, and I gently wiped his eyes for him, smiling as he closed his hand around mine, touching his lips to the ring I still wore. I had to admit, I was kind of curious about that. “How come you’re still letting me wear that?”

“Because. I wouldn’t mind an incentive to come back for you, once the tour is over. And you holding a ring that happens to be high on my list of valuables hostage is a perfectly good excuse.” I smiled. I’d distracted him, and he wasn’t sniffling anymore. I was kind of proud of myself. Distraction had always been my strong point. “And when I come back for you, well, if you want, you won’t have to live with the woman that has hurt you so much.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t tell me you’re going to pass on an opportunity to live with your favorite rock star.” His lips spread into my favorite crooked smile, and I rose from my kneeling position, pulling him up with me. “That would be just plain stupid. And you’re not stupid, right Heather Byrd?” He winked, back to his old self, thanks to my presence…which I didn’t understand, but that didn’t matter.

“Right.” I touched my lips to his, and then I wrapped my arms around him, leaning my head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me as well, and he held me close in the sincerest hug I’d ever been given. I closed my eyes, absorbing his peppermint scent, and sighed contentedly as he swayed side to side ever so slightly, singing softly in my ear. I followed his lead, too tired to object to a dance, and so at one in the morning on my last day with him, I danced with him to a song only the two of us could hear.

Of course I didn’t know that Jimmy had watched us from the doorway, keeping a protective eye on the man that he loved like a brother, making sure that both of us were alright. I’m sure that there had been a proud smile on his face, and maybe he’d experienced the same thing that I had when Brian had said that he loved me- surprise and acceptance all at once.
I felt warm and safe in Brian’s arms, and it would have been a lie for me to say that I didn’t want to stay like this forever. I didn’t feel up to boarding a plane and flying three thousand miles to be so far away from these safe arms. Maybe it was dumb that over the course of two days, I’d kissed, fallen in love with, pretended to be engaged to, and had sex with a rock star, but he’d fallen for me too, so I wasn’t committing any of the seven deadly sins here.
I was pretty much half-asleep when the singing softly in my ear stopped, and when we stopped moving, Brian gently picked me up into his arms, carrying me bridal style to his bunk and laying me down, removing his shirt before settling beside me, pulling the blanket over us and waiting for me to cuddle close to his chest.

“Can you say it again?” I murmured tiredly, my voice kind of muffled by his chest, but I didn’t have the energy to move my head to look up at him.

“Say what?” he asked softly, stroking my hair.

I sighed tiredly. “You know what.” He chuckled, and I felt his lips touch the top of my head.

His voice was soft when he spoke. “I love you.” I smiled, and I would have said the words back, but I didn’t have the energy. I was sure he understood. In response to my silence, he murmured, “I love you, Heather Byrd.” My eyelids relaxed, and I cozied up to him a little more before I pretty much conked out.

In my dreams, I heard his words over and over again.

“I love you, and I’ve broken you…”

“When I come back for you, well, if you want, you won’t have to live with the woman that has hurt you so much…”

“I love you, Heather Byrd…”

I don’t really know when he fell asleep, but I only hoped that it was shortly after I had, only because seeing him feel so guilty just once had made a twisting feeling pop up right in my gut. I wasn’t so sure if he would feel better so easily without me awake to comfort him and kiss it better. But I was sure he was okay- he’d said he loved me, which meant he was one step closer.

One step closer to the happiness that the Brian Haner I couldn’t stand to leave truly deserved.