Let Me Know, Is Your Heart Still Beating?

It always ended like that; I'd advance toward her and then it would all vanish. This would happen every time I had this dream, and to be honest, it was getting really old.

Number one reason I hated dreaming so much.

In my own opinion, dreams are places where you let your deepest secrets run free, though you only want them to remain unrecognized and never remembered. People are always deceived by dreams, always thinking of things you can never have or people that will never love you back, no matter how many times you wish.

Kate Martin was a prime example of that, really. She is probably the most intriguing girl I have ever met. She wasn't smart, she wasn't good at sports, she didn't have a creative bone in her body at all either. She was just so insightful on any issue that was mentioned. She was like a wise person that didn't have any common sense in the education system. If it were world affairs, you definitely could count on her. If it were her own philosophy on life, it'd be like Socrates was speaking to you himself. If you needed the answers to a trig problem, you'd be better off asking a stone.

I never let anyone know how much I knew about her. I never let any of my friends know about my infatuation with her either. To them, she was just some pot smoking hippie who liked to save the whales. Which, she kind of was.

The weird thing that nobody understood was that she was friends with everybody else. She was friends with the band and art kids, the smart kids, all those cool kids, and some of the "sports enthusiasts". Not to mention the close-knit group of the peace kids she was involved with. She was nice to everybody, and just to be civil, everyone was nice to her. I always thought the reason everyone liked her was because she could get them pot, but after talking to her myself, she was just a genuinely nice person.

"Ben, I'm seriously going to kick your ass if you don't stop daydreaming," my thoughts were interrupted by an obnoxious voice I've come to know well over fifteen years. I looked over to the thorn in my side and slowly walked away from her and toward the car outside.

"What's the matter?" Amri looked over to me as she got into the passenger seat of the car.

I ducked my head and got into the driver's side and started the car. "I'm just thinking, that's all,"

"About Kate," Amri's eyes stayed on the road just like mine but she knew she was right about her guess.

"Yup," I verified her guess with a simple answer, hoping to end the conversation.

Unfortunately, nothing good ever comes my way.

"If you like her so much, ask her out,"

"Don't be stupid, Amri," I always snapped at my sister when she was being stupid.

I snapped at her a lot.

"How in the hell is that a stupid suggestion?" She shifted her gaze toward me and gave me an incredulous look.

"You just don't get it," I fiddled with the radio button in the old Subaru for a while until I landed on The River. An old Death Cab song filled the car and Amri still was looking at me as we passed the old church we used to go to.

"Please enlighten me then, oh great Relationship Master." She rolled her eyes at me and looked out the window.

"Asking her out would ruin my chances," I felt like an ass saying this, but it was true.

"At what?"

"At everything I've been working toward,"

"Elaborate, ass face,"

"All Kate does is smoke pot. If anyone ever knew I had even a little bit of interest in her, word would soon go to the lax coach and he would automatically think I was too," I looked over to her and she playing with the broken volume knob. "That means I would lose the scholarship I've been working toward for almost seven years."

Amri scoffed at me and looked out the window. "Kate's a wonderful person with a good heart. You can't see that though because you don't have any sense at all,"

"You don't get it, Amri,"

"What don't I get?"

"You know Mom and Dad can't afford our college," I looked over to her and then back at the road. "That's why I have my lacrosse scholarship and you have your art scholarship."

She was still looking out the window and I sighed, "Plus, she wouldn't even consider me,"

Amri warmed up to my lie and gave me a pat on my shoulder.

We pulled up to the school and I took a quick left into the senior's parking lot. Coincidentally, we parked right next to a white beat-up Toyota with random bumper stickers all over the back of the car. The driver's door opened and a girl with dark hair and pale grayish skin got out of the car slowly as my chest tightened. She kicked the back of her car and she began walking toward the school's entrance.

"Hi, Kate!" Amri jumped out of the car and Kate turned around and smiled. Her eyes lingered over to me and she lifted her hand in a small wave. I nodded at her and Amri ran up to her.

"Be at the car after school," I called out to her and she rose her arm to wave at me as she and Kate advanced toward the front doors.

I let out a breath and grabbed my books from the back seat of my old car. I slammed the door and slowly walked to the front door to be greeted by one of my oldest friends.

"You missed a crazy party, Ben," Dave walked in step with me as we passed a group of boys on the freshmen lacrosse team. They all nodded at us and to be civil, we nodded back.

"How was it?" I stopped at my locker and put my calculus book in the top shelf. We stood at my locker like we did every morning to just talk and relax before we had to go to our first class.

"You know that hot chick from Hanover?" He leaned against a locker and I followed his direction as groups of different kids passed us.

"That one with the face?"

"Don't be a dick,"

I laughed as he pushed me into some short unknown girl. I quickly recovered before apologizing and went back to Dave's side.

"I work with what you give me,"

"Well, anyway, I hooked up with her at Matt's party,"

"Do you want a medal or something?" Dave was about to say something until Danica Smith walked by us. Also known as Dave's girlfriend of two and a half years.

"Hey Ben," she greeted me and gave Dave a quick peck on the cheek. Dave looked uninterested and stared off as Danica started talking to us.

"Hey Danny, can you go get me a water?" Dave broke our conversation and handed her a dollar. Danica looked at the money as if it were a foreign object and looked back up at him. She smiled and walked off to the vending machines.

"Let's go," he started to walk away from our usual spot.

"Are you sick of Danica now?" I caught up with his speed and walked down the English hall.

"You want her?" Dave laughed and I shuddered.

We passed a few classrooms with kids already filling inside. I looked at the time on my phone. Forty-five minutes until class started; these were obviously ninth and tenth grade classes if kids were in there already. I always thought it was funny that they were so punctual in their first two years of high school and then they got sick of it the day they became a junior.

"I don't know, she's just so, needy."

"Break up with her then,"

"You're so goddamn logical,"

I cracked a smile at him as I saw Kate pass by us. "That's what I'm here for,"

We stopped at our class with ten minutes to spare and sat in our seats like every other day. There were some kids I had few conversations with sitting in their own seats. I really doubted if they worth anymore of my time. I turned to face Dave but he was off in his own world, ogling some girl.

I really never knew why I bothered with him.

"Do you know anything about dreams?"

He turned back to face me and gave a small shrug. "I guess if you have a dream about lions, you're about to get laid."

"That was really helpful,"

"We all know you need it," he laughed and returned to his own fantasies.

I sat there for another ten minutes, thinking about what the reoccurring dream could mean. Was there any hidden messages in it? Was something going to happen to me now?

"This one book said that sometimes dreams are portals from the future, showing you what can happen," a girl behind me spoke quietly and I turned around to look at her.

"Do you believe that it's true?" I was desperate, now. If she was right, I would be beyond ecstatic.

"I do believe in dreams, and I do think that whatever you dreamed of will happen,"

I smiled at the nameless girl, "I'm taking your word for it."