Fever

Saturday morning arrived with hesitation and second thoughts. I was lying in bed when my alarm went off, listening to the hum of the radio as I tried to ease the nauseating feeling from the pit of my stomach. This wasn’t how I had envisioned today being at all. I expected my stomach to be tied into knots, and my heart soaring with giggles. But rather than elation, I felt a sense of dread. My experience the other night had my hopes deflated, and especially had my mother’s nagging voice taking premise over my thoughts.

“This is a bad idea,” I whispered to myself.

Of course I knew this was a bad idea. I had deemed it that from the moment I met him, with stars in my eyes and a colony of butterflies in my stomach. Growing up with my mother’s hand in everything, I felt scared. I hated the thought of betraying someone I loved, let alone my mother. I knew she had my best interests at heart, she always did. But even though Jacob was what I wanted, I didn’t want him at the cost of my mother’s trust. How could she trust me, after all this scheming I had dwelled on?

I had to tell her. It was the only way I could redeem myself. Would she yell at me? Would she ground me? I didn’t know what she would do, but I knew she would be livid. In the end, she would forgive me, but at this moment in time, Seattle and Port Angeles were off limits. Actually, I think my life, in itself, was off limits.

Was I really going to jeopardise the rest of my life just because I felt guilty - just because I lied to my mother? I knew that I was never good at keeping secrets, let alone giant ones, but what if she found out on her own? What if she discovered that I was keeping something from her? Livid wasn’t even an option if it happened that way; she would never speak to me again. No matter how much I wanted my mother to go on an extended vacation, I loved her. I would always love her.

I looked over at my alarm clock, and reached up to turn it off. My mother would be awake, sitting at the kitchen table doing a crossword. Every weekend she was at the same place, with the same book. It would be easier to tell her when she was calm and content. If it had been later in the day, I would be doomed.

I tossed the covers aside and got out of bed, straightening my pyjamas and combing through my hair. This was it, the end of my life. It was also the end of my guilty conscience, and the uneasy feeling in my stomach. I would be free from sin, and even if my mother didn’t forgive me, I would get over it. I would be fine; I would be-

“Why aren’t you ready yet?” Jasmine asked, her eyes wide and disbelieving as she burst through my door.

I paused in my approach, looking at my friend with a guilty expression on my face.

“Kay,” she asked suspiciously. “You’re not bailing out, are you?”

“Jaz, listen,” I whispered nervously, “I don’t think I can do this...”

“Oh no you don’t!” she laughed, closing my door behind her. “You are not backing out on this. I had to listen to you go on and on about Jacob, there is no way I am letting you close the door on this opportunity.”

“But Jasmine, my mom,” I pleaded.

“Doesn’t know, therefore, she doesn’t care,” she sighed. “Maybe if you tell her later, when you and Jacob are happily married with four kids. I’m sure she can’t say no after that.”

My face flushed crimson at the thought of being married to Jacob, let alone producing children, “I can’t.”

“You can,” she retorted. “Now get dressed!”

I shook my head, “I can’t! I can’t do this to my mom! I feel so guilty, so bad. How did I even think I could get away with this? She’ll find out!”

“No, she won’t.”

“But she will! I’m her only daughter, her only child! If I keep disappearing, if I keep acting strange, then she’ll figure it out! She’s not stupid!”

“Kayla! Listen to yourself?” Jasmine laughed. “Where is this crazy, dangerous girl that was there a few days ago?”

My voice fell as I whispered back my reply, “Lost in the woods leading to La Push.”

She stare at me for a moment, the smile creeping onto her face slowly. Although I thought it was more of a serious matter, I couldn’t but help let the small smile creep to the corner of my mouth. Jasmine probably wouldn’t understand what I had experienced, but the least she could do was spare me some sympathy.

“You took the path?” she snickered lightly. “Really?”

“Barely, I made it in twenty minutes and turned around,” I lied.

“I didn’t think you had it in you,” she smiled wider. “This is great – that is proof enough that you’re serious about this guy!”

“Jaz,” I pressed, trying not to let her words get to me, “It’s not great. I realised that this-this infatuation with Jacob is getting out of control. I am getting all tongue tied over a boy I know nothing about. And as well, I am willing to throw away my relationship and trust with my own mother, just to see him? And if this turns out horribly, what am I left with? A broken heart and a mother who won’t help mend it?”

I felt the back of my eyes prick with emotion, but I repressed them and moved to sit on the edge of my bed. Perhaps Jasmine couldn’t understand the way I felt, at least at this given moment. As much as I loved her, she wasn’t big on understanding emotions. She did things for the sake of doing things, and she never cared about consequences. I was raised by consequences, to only consider the worst of those before I even thought about the action.

“Jacob is a boy tha-that I like, I don’t know why, but I do. But he is a boy that can tear my family apart with one bad decision on my part. Is he worth it?” I asked her quietly, looking up at her face.

She seemed to have dropped the smile, a sight that was rare with Jasmine. I wanted her to understand – I wanted her to take a step in my shoes and to consider it from my point of view.

“Jaz?”

She broke from her reverie and peered down at me, “Well if you don’t want to do this, I guess you’ll have to call Jacob and break the news to him.”

The idea, as it seemed, hadn’t been considered before I made my decision, and at the thought of it, I lost my voice. How could I call him, and not fall into his palm? I couldn’t. There was something about the soft, yet rugged tone of his voice that I couldn’t focus with. If he opened his mouth, I was sure to make a fool of myself. I couldn’t do it; it was impossible.

“I sure as hell won’t be the one telling him. Imagine how that would look for you?” she scoffed, looking around my room casually.

Emotional circumstances just never bothered her, no matter who was on the receiving end of it.

“I can’t,” I said slowly. “I can’t tell him. It would crush him.”

“Well I’m not telling him,” she scoffed again, trying to crush her urge to laugh. “We all know that a friend breaking up for someone else is shallow.”

“I can’t do it, Jaz,” I shook my head in disbelief. “I physically can’t.”

“Well if I won’t do it, and you can’t do it, then I guess you’ll just have to go,” she sighed, cracking a smile and plopping down next to me.

“I-“

“Listen,” Jasmine cut me off quickly, “how about we go just today, and you tell him how you feel and that you never want to see him again? As far as your mom thinks, you’re going out with me and Kennedy.”

I opened my mouth, trying to deny her request, but I didn’t know if I could. The longer she pushed the thought of Jacob into my mind, the more I began to smother the guilt. Could I really do this? I didn’t want to wake up every morning, wanting to tell my mother of my misbehaviour. I couldn’t, could I?

“Just go and tell him that you can’t,” she shrugged. “Come on, it’s not that hard. You’re used to saying “no” anyway.”

As much as I wanted to disagree with Jasmine, I knew she had a point. I didn’t have the heart to break Jacob’s heart, yet I was willing to break my own mother’s. I wasn’t born to be a risk taker, my mother made sure of that, and at this fork in the road, I didn’t know whose heart was worth it. From the outside, it was an easy case. But with all the emotions tangled inside my chest, I didn’t know if the decision was possible. I thought I could hide it from my mother, but I wasn’t made to keep secrets.

“Kay? You still with me?” Jasmine nudged my shoulder.

I sighed, leaning my head onto her shoulder; “This is the biggest decision I have ever had to make in my life.”

“What about in sixth grade at Annie’s party, when you were supposed to go into the closet with Ryan Micks for seven minutes in heaven?” she recalled. “If I remember correctly, you ran all the way home.”

I chuckled, “That was a big decision, but I think it was more embarrassing if anything. Poor Ryan.”

“Hey, he turned out pretty nice,” she grinned, wrapping her arm around my shoulders. “Chin up, babe, it could be worse.”

“What? I could have turned out to be an amazing kisser?” I laughed.

“And you would have been kissed, at least.”

My cheeks tinged pink, and I drew my lips in to keep myself from saying something even more embarrassing. I had thought that Jasmine had forgotten about the fact that I had never been kissed before. And the topic brought so many shades of red to my face, as Jacob’s puckered lips formed in my mind.

“You’re not making this easy,” I groaned, closing my eyes.

“What’ll it be, butter cup?”

“Jacob or my mom?” I sighed, pulling away to look her in the eyes. “I have no idea.”